Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Standard list of BBC questions to EU politicians and bureaucrats

That report was from our Pro-EU correspondent, Tim Surrender-Monkey. To answer some of the issues it raised, I'm now joined on the phone by Schleswig-Holstein's Deputy Minister for Cultural Suicide, Hermann Jeering, who is an MP for the Liberal Democratic Socialist Christian Union Alliance Free Green Conservative Party of Schleswig-Holstein - the left-leaning, right-leaning, centrist, anarchist, far-right, nationalist, globalist, socialist, anarchist, communist LDSCUAFGCPSH...

Herr Jeering, thank you for honouring us with your God-like presence. We are not worthy. Let me start by asking you this. Just how pathetically disorganised is the British Tory government's Brexit negotiating team?

Just how big a clown is Boris Johnston - and how big a threat is he to world peace?

Isn't Donald Trump utterly frightful!

One or two deluded commentators in our sinister, racist, xenophobic, politically-biased (unlike us) right-wing press have suggested that the insistence by chief EU Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier, that Britain agrees to pay whatever the EU demands before negotiations on substantial issues can begin is somehow delaying any deal. They claim it's a bit like a car dealer insisting that a customer hands them a large sum of money without knowing which cars are for sale, or how much they'll cost, and then forcing to accept whichever car they're damn well given.  But what do they know, right?

Many Britons who wish to remain in the EU have reported that, while on holiday, people from other countries keep streaming up to them to ask whether the UK has gone mad. Surely we need to listen to what some random foreigners may or may not have remarked to drunken Remainers who were probably suffering from sunstroke and who probably started the conversation by slurring out "Brexit, eh? We're fucking mad, we are. I bet you think we're mad, don't you? Was that a yes? Too fucking right... Oh, have you got to go already? What a shame. Oi, you, waiter! Another magnum of this agreeable vintage, pronto, por favor! I'm a citizen of the world, I am!" Be honest - everyone in Europe thinks we've gone mad, don't they?

Britain depends for its safety on the military might of EU countries like Germany and Slovenia and Greece. How soon after Brexit do you think this powerless little island will be invaded by a foreign power - of course, I don't mean yours,  Herr Jeering. Oh dear me, no!

A terrifying prospect. When it comes to fighting terrorism, it's well known that Britain depends entirely on information from the French, German and Belgian intelligence services, who've done such a brilliant job preventing terrorist attacks in their own countries. Presumably, this sort of co-operation will cease post-Brexit. In your opinion, how many hundreds of thousands of Britons are likely to die as a result? Or could it be millions?

As all trade between the EU and the UK - the EU's biggest export market - will cease post-Brexit, as will all air traffic in and out of Britain, so we won't be able to travel abroad to negotiate trade deals with the rest of the world,  how long before Britons actually start dying of starvation?

It's well known that - unlike, say, your own country, with its long, proud, democratic tradition of guaranteeing the rights of individuals under the law - Britain will have no such tradition to fall back on when its citizens are no longer protected by enlightened, socially just EU laws. Do you think Britain will become a brutal dictatorship as soon as it leaves the EU - or could it take a few years?

That soon, eh? Tell me, Herr Jeering, does it surprise you that the UK state broadcaster, which is funded by a compulsory poll tax of those very citizens who last year voted in favour of Brexit, and which, under the terms of its charter, is meant to be politically neutral, is quite happy to ignore the democratically-expressed wishes of licence-payers by pumping out an endless flow of anti-Brexit propaganda designed to weaken Britain's negotiating position, thus ensuring that the UK ends up with a far worse deal than it might have got if we'd remained even vaguely neutral?

Why, thank you, Herr Jeering. We are indeed doing our bit for the glorious "European Project". What's that? Of course - resistance is futile, for we Britischer pigdogs the war is over, Deutschland über Alles!

Coming up later in the programme:

- How broadcasters can undermine good economic news headlines by adding the word "but", followed by a spurious qualifying statement for which there is absolutely no evidence.

- Abdul al Cuddlybum, head of the NothintodowithIslam Foundation, tells us why Brexit supporters represent a far greater terrorist threat to this country than Islamists.

- We examine Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn's proposal that Grenfell Tower fire survivors should be allowed to decide whether Brexit goes ahead or not.

-  Sir Lenny Henry on why black actors should be cast as Sherlock Holmes, Queen Victoria, Winston Churchill and Alice in Wonderland in forthcoming television productions.

But first, Polly Toynbee joins me on the phone from her delightful Tuscan hideaway to explain why Brexit will mean the end of the few remaining bits of the welfare state that this heartless Tory government hasn't already destroyed...

1 comment:

  1. Given the new BBC linguistic initiative , it is to be hoped that , mutatis mutandis, there exists to be interviewed, a Jacob Rees - Mogg equivalent.