The change.org petition demanding that J.K Rowling invites 18 immigrants to live with her is nearing the 50,000 mark!

Go on, you Deplorables, we can get there! Try to make this infinitely compassionate woman understand that giving money to lots of money to good causes and demanding that the government adopts policies that will impact on the rest of us - but not her - and sending out a stream of snarky and/or virtue-signalling tweets designed to make us feel jolly guilty about being so mean - well, she's missing out, isn't she? She has a big house (two knocked into one, actually) in Edinburgh, a country retreat in Perthshire, a house in Kensington - and God knows what else - so why doesn't she allow herself to experience the off-the-scale levels of self-righteousness that would result from inviting a mere handful of those refugees to share her home, and her life! Because she cares - oh boy, does she care!:

Yes I can, actually. And I can also imagine 18 of those desperate people living cheek-by-jowl with you and your family, J.K, rather than in some down-at-heel dump amongst resentful, uncompassionate, white, working-class racists who - quite unreasonably - wonder why it's always them who end up paying the price for the left-liberal elite's boundless generosity. I would have thought it would make a lot more sense if you could protect these immigrants - okay, refugees if you prefer - from the angry, unfriendly, possibly violent UKIP-supporting thugs who evidently await them here in xenophobic Britain. After all, you're reputed to be paying £150,000 a year for an ex-SAS bodyguard to protect you and your family - something that the people amongst whom these immigrants will actually end up living obviously can't afford. Why not kill two birds with one stone and get your bodyguard to protect you from the little kiddies, their mothers, and their doctor and astrophysicist husbands who (one gets the impression from BBC reports) are the only sort of people to be found on those boats. In the highly unlikely event that a young male jihadi has somehow managed to insinuate himself among all the genuine refugees, your bodyguard is almost certain to be able to keep you and your family safe from harm. With a bit of luck. (Maybe you'd better hire a few more bodyguards, just to be on the safe side.)

And, of course, your bodyguard will also be able to keep your long-term (maybe permanent?) guests safe from attack by stupid white locals who don't realise how badly this country needs more top-flight brain surgeons and rocket scientists. But you'll probably be all right - even if it turns out that your refugee contingent turns out to consist mostly of excitable, testosterone-charged young adult males whose attitude to women is ever-so-slightly - medieval? Well, prehistoric, to be honest. Still, you won't mind showing how incredibly culturally sensitive you are by covering your face in their presence - and, naturally, your daughter's. And not eating with the menfolk. And not speaking until you're given permission. And not going out unaccompanied by men. And not driving, of course. And being expected to meet their various needs without complaint.

It'll be fine. Honest. And if it turns out not to be fine, you can console yourself with the thought that you'll nevertheless be a beacon of tolerance and compassion in an ugly, intolerant, selfish world.

As for the rest of you - please sign the "Petition for J.K. Rowling to take in muslim refugees in her 18 spare bedrooms", and allow this noble, big-hearted woman to show us all what stinking, selfish, small-minded wretches we truly are. I'm feeling guilty already.

Just another 5,467 signatures needed to reach that conscience-prodding 50,000 mark...  Now, it's just 5,459. Go on, and remember - yes, we can!