Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Ten reasons why conservatives should approve of Russell Brand spouting ludicrous piffle in public

The Guardian – that citadel of silliness – published a celebrity profile of Russell Brand at the weekend. In the unlikely event that you want to read it, you can find it here. The interview (somehow inevitably) took place in a pop-up café in  Shoreditch. Brand announced that he was “bleak with hunger” and ate an almond and latte toastie (whatever the fuck that is). The tone of the interview can be gleaned from the following: “He is talking so quietly, I can barely hear him. He doesn’t just seem bleak with hunger; he’s bleak with bleakness.” Which is pretty much how I felt after reading it.

It may not surprise you to hear that Russell Brand is not my favourite political thinker, mainly because I’m not sure that what takes place inside his cranium can be accurately described as thinking. On the whole, I’d agree with Johnny Rotten’s recent assessment of him as “a bum hole”. But, because as I grown older I increasing try to look for the positives in life, I set myself the task of identifying reasons why we should celebrate Russell Brand’s existence (obviously these didn’t include any of his appearances on film, radio or television, which have been uniformly execrable). I surprised myself by coming up with ten of them. Here they are:

1. He acts as a CAUCometer when it comes to identifying other people’s level of CAUCness. Russell Brand is the CAUCs’ CAUC. The reason is simple: it would be impossible to imagine a CAUCier CAUC than Russell Brand; he is the Platonic ideal of a CAUC. Ergo, anyone who likes him, thinks he’s funny, or agrees with a single word he says must also be a CAUC (e.g. Ian Katz, the editor of Newsnight, the prats who run the New Statesman, Guardian journalists etc.).

2. He might make other CAUCs realise how ridiculous they sound to sensible people. There's a chance (slim, admittedly) that reading a Russell brand interview might make Diane Abbott or Yasmin Alibhai Brown realise just how emarrassing it is to come across as an enormously stupid person who is wrong about literally everything. They might even be convinced to jettison some of their dafter views in order to sound less painfully stupid than Russell Brand. I won't be holding my breath - but you never know.

3. Brand reminds the rest of us just how vigorously using long words you don’t understand the meaning of is to be avoided if you don’t want to sound like a CAUC.

3. He stokes our infinitely justifiable loathing of metropolitan leftists – he is basically Owen Jones with half his brain removed and all the dials set to 11.

4. He gives all fools hope – after all, this King Idiot managed to snare a good-looking woman despite being a King Idiot (yes, she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer herself, but that's not the point.)

5. By being one of the architects of the Sachsgate scandal, Brand exposed the (to most of us obvious) fact that parts of the BBC were – and probably still are - run by brainless, nihilistic teenage onanists utterly ignorant of and even more uninterested in the sensibilities of the licence-fee payers’ who fund their lavish salaries.

6. He proves that being a talentless ex-heroin addict is no barrier to achieving fame and fortune – as long as you give up heroin. He should be a poster-boy for the current iteration of the War on Drugs.

7. He has demonstrated that so-called edgy radicals can seem vaguely dangerous one day – and then turn into figures of ridicule the next as the public realises how fabulously silly their “opinions” are (mind you, the Occupy movement has already achieved this).

8. Brand provides confirmation that continuing to make deliberate grammatical errors (e.g. “them rich toffs from Eton”) in order to make yourself sound as if you’re a bona fide street-fighting revolutionary rather than a rich, pampered luvvie who divides your  time between mansions in Los Angeles and Surrey is an insult to everyone who has ever striven to better themselves, and to those noble educationalists who have helped them to do so.

9. He offers definitive proof to life’s economic also-rans and career underachievers that having multiple homes, lucrative work, endless media attention, glamorous female admirers and the sort of body that enables you to dress like a dandy highwayman counts for nothing if every time you open your mouth something jaw-droppingly dumb pops out.

10. He acts as a poignant warning of the dangers of rampant Peter Panism – the desire never to grow old. We live in the age of the Man-Child, of perpetual adolescence, of kidulthood. Listening to the thoughts of Chairman Russy-Wuss might just convince any number of Big Babies that becoming a true adult might not be such a bad idea after all.

Russell Brand has been sent among so that we may know the error of our ways.


  1. "3. Brand reminds the rest of us just how vigorously using long words you don't understand the meaning of is to be avoided if you don't want to sound like a CAUC."
    This is true. It just takes one or two slips by a writer, for example, and your confidence in him starts eroding. Sports journalist fall into this category increasingly - and I am not even thinking about that clown Simon Barnes. And it is just any word - it doesnt have to be particularly long. Currently, the two major misused words seem to be "fulsome" and "jejune".
    There is also a class of person who constantly uses very long words and non-English words and phrases rather liberally which they understand perfectly, but which their interlocuter possibly does not. They also deserve the CAUC title because they are using the language not to inform or entertain but to show off. They include, amongst many others, Will Self, Frederic Raphael, Stephen Fry and Boris Johnson. A more accurate term for the former is "sesquipedalians". Strictly to be avoided. The latter you can tell a mile off. They are generally sporting unacceptable smirks and like to get unbearably close to your face if you meet them in the flesh.

    1. I agree entirely - lexiphanicism invariably leaves me pandiculating.