Wednesday, 17 September 2014

BREAKING NEWS: world's leading poet willing to serve as Benjamin de First, King of Scotchland!

One of the things I've been brooding about regarding the possibility of the Scots voting for independence tomorrow is their seeming determination to keep the Queen. Personally, I'd prefer it if Brenda threw a complete wobbler, told the ungrateful ginger pillocks to get stuffed, and ordered the RAF to flatten Balmoral. But now Britain's dub poet laureate has presented us with an excitingly alternative left-field plan which would - at a stroke - confirm the SNP's determination to turn Scotland into a multicultural nirvana brimming with hard-working immigrants who, as BZZ so eloquently points out, would create a northern equivalent of sunny Venezuela. Arise (presumably with the aid of a spliff the size of a marrow and a twelve-pack of Tennents Extra) the new Monarch of de Glen!

Bruddas in Scotchland! Rise up an' t'ing!
Scottish Rastas can soon gwan be free to run
Barefoot neath de everlastin' warmth of de Glasgow sun,
Each an' every one
Celebratin' in liberty, for all eternity
An' fe to smoke de 'erb wid impunity
From persecushun an'prosecushun by de forces of represhun an' fe to not appear at de Court of Sesshun
On a trump up charge of possesshun
By 'er Majestee.
So bruddas, on de happy occasion of Scotchland's liberation  an' formation as a nation
Wid a positiv vibrashun
We gwan get on board de train of desegregation before it leave de station
An' get dem Scotch bruddas an some of dey less porky sistas out of dem armchair
To join us there,
In a new world which gwan be righteous an' fair
Once we lance de English boil
An' reward de Scottish workers' toil
For all de years of pain while dem sit on de arse an' do jack shit on de back of de North Sea Oil 
For bruddas, a vote that is Yes is the only way
To throw off the yolk and albumen of oppresshun dis very day
An' follow our liberator, de Glasgow Mandela,
As we gwan set up a socialist paradise like in Venezuela
An' turn we backs on years of economic failure
An' transport de English to de frozen wastes of Australia
An' den an' only den can we fe to establish a fair an' just liberal democracy
Wiv an end to de Tory cuts an' English self selectin' aristocracy
Which hav put us all into poverty thru dem autocracy
An' fe to put in place a hierarchy, which refleck de true make up of dis new society
Wiv a member of an effnik minority to head up de Scotch monarchy
Bludd claaat.
De battered Salmond need to have a long vacation
And Bruddas, who better to lead dis new nation
Than a victim of England fascististic colonial discriminisashun
Whose dreadlocks an' poems speak of a struggle widout cessation
For toleration an' opportunity creation
At de head of a valiant, diversity-sensitive an' religiously unblinkered Scottish population? 
So Rastas, de bird of liberashun is on de wing
An' de bagpipes of equality gwan sing
Songs of joy to de new born Scotchland King
Benjamin de First
Bruddas, it has a ring
An' t'ing.


  1. While BZZ would no doubt appreciate the sentiment and your rhyming skills, I'm sure he would condemn the decision to express yourself in Latin, a language known only to an educated elite. For God's sake, show some cultural sensitivity!

    1. You’re right I shouldn’a
      I'm such a meshugener

    2. I'm not surprised you feel
      Like a real schlemiel

  2. As we are on the subject of poetry, I see that you've sneaked in another Coventry Patmore at the bottom of the blog. I've had to warn you about this strange obsession before. You give poor Riley a hard time over a mild and youthful interest in Pickettywitch and then find space for the third or fourth time on the blog for the works of arch wimp Cov, a man who sends the Mawkometer off the scale whenever he puts pen to paper. If the subject of Departure decided not to give Cov a kiss goodbye, it could be because he had whacked the kids (Toys), tried to introduce her to his dead wife (Amelia) or let slip his views on women and their domestic duties ( Angel of the House). Good for her. He's lucky he didn't get a kick in the nuts.

    Can you seek counselling please? We don't want the problem to get any worse. I fear it's only a matter of time before the Sitwells make an appearance.

    1. Okay, you win - it'll be Carol Ann Duffy from now on!

      Mind you, I tend to think that Prefab Sprout fans should beware of throwing stones.

  3. Wha' you talking' bout me not know Latin, bluud claat? See dis couplet from me love poem 'Me bitchas is in me Britchas'.

    "Fiat justitia, ruat caelam
    When de sistas want me body, I never fail 'em"

    1. No, no, BZZ - obviously you know Latin. It's forbidden to attack the educated elite unless you're actually a member of it. As of course you are.
      I've just checked my edition of your collected poems and can find no reference to "Me Bitchas is in me Britchas". If you could possibly see your way to sending it to me, it would be an honour to post it on this blog. I've been somewhat aware recently of a paucity of pro-feminist sentiment on this website, and it would be good to redress the balance. I'm sure the "bitchas" who regularly visit The Grønmark Blog would appreciate the gesture of solidarity.

  4. A belated thank you for a great laugh, BZZ. Great stuff!