I wish Marks & Spencer would stop fiddling with my underpants

Not M&S pants

M&S has received quite a bit of criticism in recent years for selling underpants which are, frankly, pants. Jeremy Paxman – a lifelong M&S underpants man - contacted their Chief Executive in 2008 to complain that the latest version of this vital piece of menswear no longer provided him with adequate support (much like the Newsnight production team, one suspects). Then a test pilot wrote to the store to complain that whenever he did a roll, the old chap popped out, which it didn’t used to.

At the time, I didn’t notice anything untoward. I don’t have much occasion to travel upside down in planes and I evidently don’t require nearly as much “support” as Paxo (I base this observation on Telegraph blogmeister Damien Thompson’s account of an alarming encounter with the University Challenge inquistor in the men’s changing room of a London gym, which ended, “And before you ask - yes it is. Very.”)

As my pants are currently on their last legs, I bought two sets of new XXLs at M&S last month (well, let's be honest - my wife did). The first lot must have been designed with the younger generation in mind, because the bottoms  were too high and the waistband was too low and tight. As for their effect on one’s private parts, I’m surprised they didn’t market the range as “Stranglers” and have done with it: I almost cried with relief when I got them them off.

I then opened the other packet – from the “Classic” range, which is what I normally wear. They were more generously cut, and they felt fine when I put them on. But I hadn’t got to the end of our street before I realised there was a distinct drawback: there wasn’t enough grip around the waist to keep them up. Thank God I was wearing trousers (not that I ever don’t, of course). I tried every pair in the packet just to make sure I hadn’t got a dud, but a series of test drives around the bedroom revealed that they were all utterly useless.

There can be few subjects on earth more boring than underpants. Most men – myself included – can’t be bothered thinking about clothes that are visible, let alone ones that aren’t. We don’t want to spend time online hunting down the latest styles, and we certainly don’t want to hang around clothing stores peering through cellophane wrappers at different types of gusset.

Anyway, I’m off to John Lewis. M&S today announced losses for the third year in a row. If they want to reverse this alarming trend, I suggest they stop fiddling with customers’ underwear.