33 types of film I never ever want to see again

I don’t visit the cinema more than once a year and our local DVD rental store closed down a while ago. This means that, ever since I gave up my BAFTA membership three years’ ago, I’ve been dependent on Sky Movies for my choice of films. Glancing at their listings would suggest a cornucopia of entertainment, but if you hit the “i” button for a brief description of the films on offer you soon realise that nine times out of ten watching back-to-back episodes of Allan Carr: Chatty Man might actually be preferable to sitting through 90 minutes of even more toxic, soul-shrivelling dreck. Here, in Sky’s own words, are some examples of what’s currently available:

A gang of ageing criminals reunite for one last crazy night in this gangster comedy. 

When three teens acquire superpowers, they have to learn how to handle the responsibility that comes with their gift.

A turtle and his best friend are captured and taken to an aquarium show, but meet a lively seahorse who promises to break them out.

Slacker Jackson Segal learns the meaning of life when mom Susan Sarandon sends him on an errand for wood glue.

Manhattan couple Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston get in touch with mother earth when they leave the rat race for a commune in rural Georgia.

A reformed con vows to act as a role model for his young nephew, but his hopes are dashed when he’s pulled back into a life of crime.

Smalltown divas Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton try to take their failing gospel choir all the way to the national championships.

A group of down-on-their-luck guys come up with the ultimate way to meet hot girls: cast a fake movie. Comedy. Contains strong language and some nudity. 

Well you wouldn’t, would you.

I don’t want to watch films that are about or involve any of the following themes, actors, situations or plot devices – i.e. well over 90% of everything produced by the American and British movie industries:

People being hooked up to machines that “read” their dreams – dreams are always boring, except to dreamers and therapists.

Body-swapping for dramatic or comic effect – this device hasn’t worked since Jamie Lee Curtis was surprisingly funny in Freaky Friday back in 2003.

Crappy sports teams full of fat kids and wimps being whipped into shape by a grizzled veteran or (worse) by a whacky, zany, life-embracing “fun” misfit.

Being asked to admire or sympathise with gangsters or thieves – they are all scum.

Torture porn masquerading as an exposé of the sins of slavery (which, mysteriously, is never modern-day slavery as practiced by Arabs or Africans, or about Africans selling their own people to traders in the past).

Anything involving a guardian angel: Frank Capra nailed this once and for all over half a century ago – leave well enough alone.

Sassy, foul-mouthed, ill-behaved American teenagers turning out to be wiser than Mom and Dad. (In fact, sassy, foul-mouthed, ill-behaved American teenagers - period.)

Sassy, cantankerous, foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed old coots who turn out to have hearts of gold and who forma deep bond with a sad grandchild whose uptight parents don’t understand them.

Being asked to believe that, beneath their sleazy veneer, prostitutes or drug-addicts are basically more decent and honest than supposedly respectable people.

Films where Christians turn out to be vicious, hypocritical, sexually incontinent and corrupt. Surely this particular seam has been mined out by now. (And yes, I know - don't call you Shirley.)

Any plot where a spate of murders turns out to be linked to the cover-up of a massacre of innocent Afghans or Iraqis by Western soldiers – ENOUGH ALREADY!

Transexuals or drag queens turning out to be lovable, sensitive, decent, misunderstood saints, as opposed to the moronic, blinkered straights who persecute the poor darlings.

Plots which rely on two strangers happening to look remarkably like each other.

Any film about “gangsta” youths on a British council estate which doesn't involve them being arrested and imprisoned for a very long time.

Any film about grown-up British gangsters made since Sexy Beast.

Any film featuring Alan Arkin, the Typhoid Mary of the movie business.

Lovable, zany, kookie, dysfunctional families somehow managing to muddle through a series of improbable challenges to prove that lurve is what really matters.

Plots where rogue members of Western intelligence agencies turn out to have been responsible for atrocities initially ascribed to terrorists.

I refuse ever again to watch a film set in an American high school – they seem to be spectacularly revolting places.

Gross-out, barf-tastic “comedies” in which groups of astonishingly stupid, socially inept male buddies commit chucklesome mayhem on holidays, stag-nights, or class reunions.

Any film involving superheroes banding together to defeat…whatever.

Comedies where the laughs depend on farting, vomiting or characters getting covered in excreta.

Anything involving soccer. It just never works.

Teen slasher movies.

Brooding, monosyllabic, violent heroes who attract women on a pre-verbal level: why would I want to spend two hours in the company of morons who can’t express themselves properly?

Any film involving fictional rock stars - their hair always looks ridiculous and the music always sucks.

Any film involving "slackers".

Inspirational teachers.

Movies where black stand-up comedians play cops or other authority figures who make supposedly hilarious racist comments about white people. Would this be acceptable the other way round?

Films involving love plots – e.g. the male lead devises a plan where the object of his lust is placed in danger so he can rescue her. Or something. Can we just grow up?

Film versions of American kiddie shows from the ‘60s, ‘70s or ‘80s: these are always and invariably dire.

Idiot savants – done to death.

People over 50 having sex. For God's sake, have some dignity.

Plucky "greens" saving the environment from evil, greedy corporations.


That list is, of course, just the tip of the ice-berg. This is a subject to which I will return.