A Disability Living Allowance claimant from the North-East asked why she claimed she was incapable of cleaning her own house when she was a full-time bus cleaner said: ''By the time I come in from work, I'm that knackered."
One of the few truly right-wing things this government has done was to toughen up the rules for claiming disability benefit. Within a year of the 2010 election, a million claimants had either been forcibly removed from the tax-payer’s nipple – or, as it dawned on them that the Labour gravy-train for liars, cheats and idlers had been shunted into a siding somewhere in Gordon Brown’s Kircaldy and Cowdenbeath constituency (no doubt temporarily), simply slunk away, Gollum-like, in search of new opportunities to steal from the rest of us.
Of course, you can barely turn on the BBC without some essentially able-bodied malcontent whining about the sufferings this inconceivably cruel new system has caused them – and when John Humphreys, formerly one of broadcasting’s most vocal champions of wasteful government spending, wrong-footed everyone by criticising our bloated welfare state, the BBC Trust administered the sort of public bollocking they would never dream of dishing out to anyone, for, say, insulting Christianity, the Monarchy or monogamy or phoning up an old man to make obscene comments about his granddaughter and then broadcasting a recording of the whole shameful incident.
Most Britons – even many of those who, either out of habit, peer pressure, hatred of their country, hatred of themselves, or sheer stupidity, who actually vote Labour – know that a benefits system designed to help those who through no fault of their own need a bit of help (many of whom have, in any case, been paying into the system for years and now need to draw some of that money out) has been successfully preyed on by hundreds of thousands – perhaps millions - of vile, conscienceless fraudsters for years. When I think of how much difficulty people I’m close to have encountered trying to secure state-funded home-help either for themselves after a major operation or elderly relatives unable to look after themselves towards the end of their lives, it leaves me a bit moody – and feeling even more contempt for the scum whose cheating has brought the whole rotten Ponzi scheme to the brink of collapse.
That’s why it’s almost a duty to laugh out loud when these blisters get caught. The following excuses proferred by twisters when caught are all taken from an excellent article in the Northern Echo – here – where you can find many more jaw-dopping examples:
A Bilston claimant questioned about a living together fraud: ''I don't know why you're interviewing me, I'm bisexual!''
Another claimant from Folkestone was interviewed regarding failing to declare her partner: ''He doesn't live here, he just comes every morning to collect his sandwiches and kiss me good morning before going to work.''
In an identity fraud trial, the alleged fraudster from London claimed she was a white female depicted in photos even though her skin colour was black and suggesting her face had changed shape following a car crash.
''You have me confused with my evil twin brother. He lives in Pakistan and visits the UK regularly.'' He had two Pakistani passports, one in his own name and the other in the identity of his 'twin'. Both passports listed all his own children. ''My brother has children born on the same dates with the same names,'' said a claimant from Glasgow.
"I didn't tell you about my private pension because it's private.''
Of course, a Guardian reader - in fact, just about any would probably accept all of the above excuses as perfectly valid.
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