My nerves are shot. Not only can't I play sport - I often can't summon up the courage to watch it!

Some way into Australia’s first innings at Old Trafford, it dawned on me that I really didn’t have to go on pretending to enjoy watching baggy-capped sheep-botherers humiliating England’s bowling attack. In fact, I barely watched any of the rest of the match, preferring to follow the BBC’s online text commentary or Test Match Special on the radio.

Every time it looked as though England might save the match and I plucked up the courage to switch to Sky’s TV coverage, another England batsman would instantly lose their wicket. And if I kept on watching, there’d invariably be another wicket within a few overs. So I’d stomp back upstairs to follow the text commentary between splayed fingers: I find reading about an unfolding disaster less overwhelming than watching one.

After the rain had played a better innings on Day 5 than any member of the England team,  and the Ashes had been retained no matter what happens in the next two matches, I began to realise that I’m finding it harder and harder to watch the sports competitions that really matter to me. Even though Murray beat Djokovic in straight sets at Wimbledon, I spent as much time walking around the block trying to control my nerves as I did watching the actual match. I watched a recording of the whole thing afterwards, but even then – ridiculously – I found myself tensing up on key points as if the outcome was still in the balance.

It’s years since I watched an England football match all the way through. Obviously, there’s some excuse for this – the team is rubbish. But, even though I’ve long ago given up hoping that "the lads" will achieve anything of note, it’s still painful to watch them fail so boringly and so predictably.

I’m not a great rugby fan, but I did try to watch the British Lions’ three tests against the Aussies. Nerves rapidly got the better of me during the first two – and I waited until half-way through the second half of the decider before tuning in. Luckily, England were so far ahead, I could relax and enjoy the rest of it without retreating like some damned scrimshanker.

I watch most Manchester United games during the footer season – but if they’re up against a team I genuinely dislike (Chelsea or Manchester City) and are not doing well, again, I tend to spend more time not watching than watching. And I’ll only watch Chelsea or Man City if it looks like they’re going to be defeated.

So, given I can no longer watch large swatches of the matches (or match-ups as they now seem to be called) that matter to me, what’s the point of an expensive Sky Sports subscription? Well, I do get to watch La Liga matches involving Barcelona and Real Madrid, and because I don’t really care whether either of them gets defeated by Atletico Jobless or Real Insolvent, I can simply enjoy the skills on display. The same goes for local derbies such as Arsenal v. Spurs or Liverpool v. Everrton – I don’t care that much who wins. And there’s the occasional snooker and darts matches to savour. And all the tennis matches involving players whose results aren’t a matter of life and death to me or who don’t bore me stiff (I never watch Ferrer or Nadal matches, for instance, unless I get wind of a possible loss).

Either old age is making me more cowardly than I used to be – or perhaps I’m now more a fan of sports results than of sport itself.