We salute Jo Swinson, the childless government minister who feels she has the right to tell us what to say to our kids

Parents should stop telling their children they look beautiful because it places too much emphasis on appearance and can lead to body confidence issues later in life, Jo Swinson, the women’s minister, has claimed.
Daily Telegraph, 28th May

Bring Bring! Bring Bring!

“Hello, Jo Swinson.”

“Oh, hi, Jo. We haven’t met, but I wanted to suggest that you eat fewer cream buns, cut back on the booze, sleep on the your left side, floss your teeth regularly, never skip breakfast, take up jogging, read the latest Booker prize winner, make more of an effort to keep in touch with your old friends and think about buying something really sexy to wear in bed…”

“Look, you grossly impertinent man – what makes you think how I live my life is any of your damned business?”

“Oh, sorry – I thought you were keen on obnoxious busybodies lecturing other people on what they should do in the privacy of their own homes. After all, haven’t you just ordered parents not to praise their children’s appearance in case it makes them too body-conscious?”

“That’s entirely different! After all, I am the Minister for Women…”

“And you imagine this gives you the right to tell them what they’re allowed to say to their children?”

“Well, yes, it does. As their minister, I’m in charge of women, in a caring, helpful sort of way, of course.”

“You’re not – you’re a meaningless, silly little Lib Dem politician who’s been given a meaningless, silly little job in order to fill up you’re party’s ministerial quota in the coalition government - and, of course, because you're a woman and you're young. Unless they’re actually breaking the law, how the people of this country conduct their personal lives is absolutely none of your concern.”

“I’m simply trying to help parents do a better job of raising their children.”

“Who are you to say what’s the best way of raising children? Parents have been managing this without your help for countless millennia.”

“Well, they could do it better. Don’t you want to help create a better society?”

“Better according to who? And what gives you – a childless woman – any insight into parenting?”

“I’m advised by experts who’ve done an awful lot of research in this field.”

“What field? Life? And what are these experts expert at?”

“Families. Relationships. Parenting…”

“You can’t be an expert at those things – we all just do them, and sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don’t.”

“Of course they’re experts – they have diplomas and PhDs and some of them are doctors and they sit on committees and have letters after their name…”

“But so do you – you have the letters M and P after your name. And you’re evidently utterly clueless. Look, you’re only 33, you’ve been married for just over two years, and you don’t have any kids. If you and your husband can manage it, given you’re both no doubt frightfully important and busy and ambitious, why not go away, produce four or five kids (if you don't know how to manage it, there are literally millions of experts you can consult), raise those children, and then come back and give us your thoughts on the subject of parenting. If you have anything vaguely interesting to tell us, we might listen. In the meantime, mind your own bloody business and sodding well leave us alone!”

“Gosh, I'd never thought of it that way. You’re right of course. I will resign immediately and keep my trap shut for the next twenty years.”

“Excellent. And remember what I said about the sexy nightwear.”

"No, I won't. Thank you so much. Would you like to be a key member of my department's new Family Relationships committee? You could be our expert on the bleeding obvious."