The New Left Dictionary - so conservatives can tell what the hell liberals are droning on about

It's become increasingly apparent to me that many of us get confused when listening to left-wingers on Question Time, Newsnight and the Today Programme, or when reading the New Statesman or Guardian, or when talking to acquaintances of a liberal disposition. The problem is that they use many of the same words we do, but they seem to mean something completely different by them. Therefore I'm proposing to produce a new dictionary to help us understand what these enlightened beings are talking about. Here are a few sample entries:

Access (see education, universities, class war, Nazis, equality, fairness, social justice, mental illness, blackmail, threats)
Making sure that ineducable young people receive a free university education, paid for by the parents of school-leavers who will be denied a place at a decent university as a result

Aspiration (see rich)
Something to be encouraged until the point where there is the remotest possibility of it being realised

Contribute (see national culture, benefits, crime, NHS, immigrants)
To grab everything you can and never show any gratitude

Costed (see proposals)
Uncosted by anyone with even a basic grasp of economic reality

Culture (don’t see Shakespeare, Keats, Wordsworth, Reynolds, Elgar, Wren or any other dead white guys)
Rap music, football, street theatre and witless doggerel written in patois

Cuts (see riots, criminal trespass, violence, students, demonstrations, lies and trade unions)
A negligibly lower increase in government spending compared to what would have been spent if we weren’t a trillion quid in debt

Education (see brainwashing, social engineering, job for life, Marxists, long holidays, strikes)
An activity carried out at enormous expense to the tax-payer designed solely to provide work for otherwise unemployable Labour Party activists

Fairness
Taking money away from people who worked for it and giving it to people who didn’t

Growth (see economy, jobs, profits, rich bastards, capitalist pigs, tax avoidance)
A sinister phenomenon, often associated with profits, and only achievable by the ruthless exploitation of vulnerable poor people - growth is only acceptable if it’s growth in the number of public sector jobs, the proportion of money spent by the state and the percentage of tax looted from the private sector, and if it leaves the country massively in debt

Hard-working 
Anyone who has a job, no matter how lazy or incompetent they are

Identity  
The means of distinguishing one undeserving victim group from another

Investment (see future, young people, infrastructure)
Spending money to hide the true extent of unemployment and to buy votes - must have no positive long-term benefits whatsoever

Justice
The process whereby criminals escape punishment on the grounds of ethnicity and/or social background

Middle-class
Anyone with a job; anyone who doesn’t live entirely on state benefits and/or the proceeds of petty crime

Mobility (see social):
Something which the state can impose, but which must be ruthlessly suppressed if it’s the result of individual talent, effort or ambition

Opportunity
Something to be forced by the state on people who don’t want or deserve it, while being denied to those who want and deserve it

Potential (see opportunity, fairness, access, fantasy)
A spurious, amorphous concept which can be arbitrarily applied to allow the undeserving to accrue advantages denied to the deserving

Prudence (obs.) (see Gordon Brown, Labour, socialists, LibDems)
Deranged recklessness with other people’s money

Quality (see education, public services):
Quantity

Racism (see Zephania, hate crime, unemployment, ineducable, criminality, single-parent families, entitlement, slavery, white guilt, victimhood, positive discrimination - do NOT see black-on-white crime)
Relying on experience and/or common sense to reach an adverse conclusion regarding any non-white person or non-white ethnic group

Rich (see Liberal Democrats, Cable, Clegg, bastards, toffs, cash-cow)
Depending on how much money a politician wants to steal from the taxpayer, this can mean anyone earning more than £42,000 per annum or over £2million

Sacrifice
Something ordinary people do so that the enlightened elite's goals can be achieved

Social (see justice, housing, fairness, equality)
Meaningless sound which enables liberals to achieve orgasm

Vibrant (see culture, inner city, racism, crime)
Dangerous