John Humphrys interviews Tory Minister Tarquin Bluesuit on Today: a transcript

HUMPHRYS: The Government has just announced measures that could result in the loss of up to 30 million public sector jobs, all children from disadvantaged families starving to death, everyone who works for a bank receiving a £5 million bonus paid for by the taxpayer, school-leavers having to kill their parents in order to pay tuition fees...

...everyone with a social conscience being executed by special Coalition death-squads, and 98% of all species on the planet becoming extinct within two years because of UK carbon emissions.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has called on God to wreak furious vengeance on all members of the government, while normally supportive commentators, including  Polly Toynbee, Bob Crowe and the leader of the politically-neutral “Kill All Tory Bastards” campaign have urged all workers, public sector employees and “community leaders” to rise up and butcher anyone caught wearing a Poppy or a tie or speaking grammatically.

I’m joined by government minister, Tarquin Bluesuit, who’s in our Westminster studio.  Mr. Bluesuit, earlier in the programme, Ed Miliband described David Cameron as, and I quote, “even more evil than Margaret Thatcher.” He’s right, isn’t he?

BLUESUIT: Well, no. First, regarding Mrs. Thatcher…

HUMPHRYS: If you could just stick to the point.

BLUESUIT: I’m trying to, John. Mrs. Thatcher may not have been everyone’s cup of tea…

HUMPHRYS: So are you prepared to apologise for what she did to the country? And for what Cameron is doing now?

BLUESUIT: No, I’m just saying…

HUMPHRYS: Not exactly a ringing endorsement of your leader, is it? I mean, you haven’t mentioned David Cameron’s name once during the whole of this interview, and now you tell us you’re not prepared to apologise on his behalf.

BLUESUIT:  Look, you brought up Mrs. Thatcher…

HUMPHRYS: I’m only asking those questions the public wants answered, Mr. Bluesuit.

BLUESUIT: But you asked me if Mrs. Thatcher…

HUMPHRYS: I think most people would prefer to hear you at least try to rebut these very serious and - on the face of it - reasonable charges against David Cameron rather than going on  about past Tory leaders.

BLUESUIT: But…(sound of a door slamming) Now I’m in the dark.

HUMPHRYS: You mean Cameron didn’t even bother telling you about his plans to commit mass murder?

BLUESUIT: No, I mean, literally. The BBC producer who brought me to the studio just called me an obscene name, switched off the lights and slammed the door on her way out.  I’m sitting in pitch darkness.

HUMPHRYS: I think listeners would probably appreciate it if you’d just answer the question rather than resorting to attacks on the BBC. After all, this is a serious subject. Right. Back to you in a minute, Mr. Bluesuit. But first, let me bring in Ed Balls, who’s here with me in the studio. Ed, welcome!

BLUESUIT: Hang on, you agreed this would be just me and… (sound dips)

HUMPHRYS: We have to be even-handed, Mr. Bluesuit. Surely even you can appreciate that? After all, Ed Balls is a prominent member of the government...” (the sound of whispering off-mike). “…of the opposition. Well, at least until Labour’s re-elected. Sorry about that. Now, Ed, just how many innocent British electors are likely to die as a result of these ferocious Tory cuts?

BALLS: Thanks, John. Look, this vicious, divisive, regressive, racist Tory junta that - just a few months ago - inherited a thriving economy, a superb education system, though I say so myself…” (pauses to allow Humphreys to chuckle approvingly) ”… a health service that was the envy of the world, the best-armed military in history, and a police force to die for (literally) have deliberately set out to starve everyone earning less than £25,000 a year to death by a series of the most draconian cuts ever introduced by any government, anywhere in the world, ever. So that would be about 40 million people, John. It’s all based on greed and class-hatred, as it always is with Tories. And what’s so heartbreaking is that there was never any need for any of these ridiculous, destructive cuts. Everything was under control and the Labour government had created all the condition necessary for a sustainable recovery - not that we needed a  recovery in the first place, of course.

(Pause.)

HUMPHRYS: Have you finished, Ed?

BALLS: Yes, thanks, John.

HUMPHRYS: Are you sure you don’t want to carry on? After all, I wouldn’t want anyone accusing the Today Programme of anti-Labour bias.

BALLS: No, that’s fine, John. Thanks.

BLUESUIT: (in the background) Look, that is the most ridic…

HUMPHRYS: Sorry Mr. Bluesuit. We’ve run out of time...

BLUESUIT: Well your producer seems to have locked the door. Could you at least ask someone at this end to let me out? I have a department to run.

HUMPHRYS: (Joshingly) I thought all you Tories were keen on self-reliance! Many of our listeners might feel you should practice what you preach. You were privileged enough to attend a private school and an Oxbridge college. You figure it out. Besides, we’re all going out on strike in about… oh… twenty minutes,  to punish the voters who pay our grotesquely inflated salaries for having had the temerity to ignore our instructions to vote Labour.  Now, Thought for the Day with a cuddly Muslim who’ll be telling us why the Tory cuts represent yet another act of war against Islam. After that, we’ll be back with a panel of left-wingers who all reallyhate the Tories…

(On and on, for the next four and a half years, ad bloody nauseam.)