Blimey. ‘Sall gone a bit tits up. I mean the ecomon… the ecnominy… the --- oh sod it! Doshwise, right? Way I see it, right? Is… is… well, it’s not our fault. No way. We’d of been quids in if them bankers – greedy bastards – hadn’t gorn and leant all that wedge to working class people to buy houses wot didn’t have a hope in hell of ever paying it back.
That and all them bonuses. Dis-gusting! Wouldn’t catch Labour politicians ripping off ordinary p… Well, let’s leave that to one side, okay?
Look, we did nuffink wrong. A government’s got to invest to borrow, er… spend to invest, er… take from the poor and give to…
Oh bugger! It’s a tough one, this eco… money malarkey, innit!
Listen, the Coalition, what a bunch of prats. I mean, just cos we’re paying a hundred and twenty fousand pounds a day in interest (an aide coughs)… million pounds a day in interest, don’t mean you need to stop spending. No, mate – spend your way out of a recession. That’s what that great Labour ecommunist Milton Keynes said, and he should know – I mean, built a whole town, didn’t he!
No, if I learned anything from me working class single-parent council estate left-school-before-I-even-went-to-one origins – ‘umble, that’s me – it’s that when you’re borassic and up to yer mince pies in debt to a bunch of loan-sharks, you keeps on spending (at least, until they stab you and torch yer flat). Fact is, people who lend you money, right? – well, they prefer it that way. No, straight up! They don’t want it back!
Why not, I hear you ask? Well, to be honest, I can’t remember. But that Ed Balls, he told me that – yeah, he’s a right wanker, I know, but he got some GCSEs and stuff, so he knows what he’s bleeding talking about, or my name ain’t... (consults papers) Alan Hansen – oh, hang on, forgot me reading glasses. Johnson. That’s it. Hansen Johnson.
So, listen up, comrades! When we get back in – and, believe me, it’s gonna happen, even if Ed, bless him, does look a bit care in the community – we’ll reverse all them Tory cuts which are nothing but a fragrant attack on ordinary, decent working class benefits recipients up and down the lenf and bredf of this great c… (adviser coughs beside him – consults papers again) …ordinary, decent middle class taxpayers up and down the lenf and bredf of this country – Blimey! That was a close one and no mistake! – Well, tell you what, we’re gonna borrow another shedload of ackers and double the size of the public sector and treble the salaries of every public sector worker in the country. Quangos? Ten times as many. We love ‘em – expensive, unaccountable, pointless and totally f… - bloody useless. What more could you ask for?
And anyone working in the financial sector – Oh sod it! Why not? – anyone working in the private sector will be paying tax at 120%. And we’re going to take over the private schools and fill ‘em with ordinary decent illiterate poor kids with Attention Deficit Whatsit, who won’t have to sit any of them stoopid exams, cos they’d only fail and start crying, poor little mites. And let me tell you this – If you talk all posh and lah-de-dah, you won’t be getting into university. Fink you’re better than us, do you? We’ll show you who’s better, Mr and Mrs Hoity-Bleeding-Toity! From now on, all postmen, railway workers, catering employees and refuse collection operatives will have to attend college for seven years, all expenses paid, just like doctors and them architect ponces. Course, when they’re edjumacated, you wouldn’t expect ‘em to any dirty work, so we’ll flood the place with more Bulgarians and Alabanians and Somalis - all fine, upstanding, hard-working people - and let them do all that Old Skool crap.
Pubs is open, so I’ll knock this on the ‘ead. I’ll get ‘ em in if some punter’s stupid enough to lend me the necessary. Mind you, as you’re Labour economists, shouldn’t be a problem.
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