Monday, 12 December 2016

The Owen Jones Advent Calendar - a "guaranteed laugh behind every door" (courtesy of Gary Conway)

It's just beginning to dawn on me... horrendously, abysmally, awesomely shitty it must be to be a Labour supporter right now. One minute you're marching in the vanguard of History - the next, you're lying face down in the dirt, wondering where the hell it all went so spectacularly wrong. And when you do manage to pick yourself up and dust yourself down, you discover that History has disappeared over the horizon. All you can hear is its voice in the far distance - and it sounds like (oh my God!)... Nigel Farage! So you sink back to the ground, tears pouring down your face. Eventually, still sobbing, you look up, shake your fist at the sky, and bellow: "I WAS THE FUTURE ONCE!"

I'd better stop before I reduce myself to tears.

For some odd reason - despite being wrong all the time about absolutely everything - Owen Jones still gets asked to appear on television, and is still allowed to write for The Guardian (mind you, I suspect that everyone who writes for The Guardian has to sign a contract agreeing to be wrong all the time about absolutely everything). The headlines from Gary Conway's advent calendar are all quite old. Maybe Owen has learned something from the bitter experience of the past 18 months? Judging by his Guardian headlines since 1st November, evidently not:
Orgreave! Hillsborough! Class War! All together now: "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie - Out! Out! Out!" Ee, lad - but them were the days, eh? 
Ah, Podemos. Yes, that'll go down well with all those Northern working-class voters currently flocking to UKIP.
Yes - the country gets richer and happier.
Good Lord! Still banging on about austerity? Nobody's listening, you fool!
The only people seeking to drive "you" apart, old son, are you and everyone who thinks like you. You and your ilk have been shoving identity politics down the country's throat for years - and the country's just grown sick and bloody tired of all that ugly, whining, divisive nonsense (just as they have in America). You're losing your traditional working class voting base because of your determination to splinter the British people into as many self-obsessed victim group shards as possible. You dug this hole for yourself: might I suggest you stop digging?
Asians. Blacks. Gays. Are you incapable of viewing the world through any prism other than race, gender, religion or sexual preference? It just all sounds so tired. Just give it a bloody rest.
Yeah, oright Trump won because of racism. Brexit won because of racism. The Tories won because of zzzzzzzzzzzz... For fuck's sake, stop insulting the very people whose votes your infinitely nasty little party needs in order to survive, let alone actually win anything. Listen to yourself - you're pathetic.
Yeah, that's right. The hopeless twit who won three elections in a row for your party needs to shut his trap and listen to the likes of you and Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and Diane Abbott - because you've all got such great political track records.
Yes, "saboteurs" mustn't be allowed to sully the good name of an ugly, violent, anti-Semitic, anti-democratic movement like Momentum. The very idea!
Please - I'm going to start crying again. I think this next headline - the most recent - is going to push me right over the edge:
That may just be one of the saddest, most poignant headlines I've ever read. Why would anyone listen to anything this delusional little Islingtonian dweeb - the man who so brilliantly destroyed his own party - had to say about anything

Yes, I know - why waste time attacking Owen Jones. You're right - it's a bit like kicking a puppy. But he so perfectly embodies the left's seeming inability to grasp the reasons for its recent reversals, i.e. that people just aren't that enthused by the prospect of living under the political system whose myriad benefits are currently being enjoyed by the good people of Cuba and Venezuela (y arriba!), and they're ever so slightly browned off with a bunch of North London twassocks telling them how evil they are for not eagerly clambering aboard the Multiculti Express. Maybe if Owen and his unlovely chums were to spend a bit of time examining the beam in their own eyes rather than shrieking about the motes in everyone else's, he and his party might have a future. But, come to think of it, as I would rather eat a dead rat than ever see Labour back in power, he should feel free to carry on doing exactly what he's doing - and the very best of luck to him. 

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