My Oscar acceptance speech in full

Oh my God! Wow! Thank you all so much. This is just...like, so incredible. Now, if I’d won this a few years back, I’d have spent my brief time up here reciting a list of every single person I’d ever met in life, and I’d have ended up by shaking this statuette in the air, staring vaguely upwards, and with tears streaming down my face and my voice shaking with emotion, I’d have said something like: “Scrumplebunny (i.e. a deceased person or maybe a dead pet), love you, man - this if for you,” and you'd have given me a standing ovation, because you’re all very empathetic people, and, of course, many of you are off your tits on drugs and/or alcohol.

But fashions change, and because this is 2015, I know the only way to truly win your respect is to make some sort of political statement, preferably related to the subject of the movie I’ve got this award for. But, as its title is Gross-Out Teen Barf Sex Comedy 8, that’d be a bit of a stretch. I could choose to go with some physical or psychological  illness that’s affected me or someone close to me – but that would be embarrassing, and somewhat selfish, given that there are thousands of other physical and psychological illnesses which cause just as much grief, and I don't see why they should get less publicity just because I have no experience of them. (Besides, I don't think genital warts are a suitable subject for this sort of occasion.)

So, as I don’t want to talk about an issue related to my film, or to raise a particular “lucky dip” medical problem, I suppose you’ll be expecting me to champion one of the supposed victim groups that rich, successful people like us routinely patronise because it helps us feel really, really good about ourselves – much as sniffing six lines of coke, swallowing 25 Mgs of valium, dropping acid and washing it down with half a bottle of Chivas Regal does.

But, to be honest, I couldn’t decide which cause I should talk about in order to prove how extraordinarily compassionate I am. I could, for instance, emote about equal pay for women – but we know the real reason women sometimes get slightly less than us men is that they tend to go off and have babies and then often work part-time afterwards because they don’t want to leave the raising of their kids to strangers. Besides, if you engage what passes for your brains and study the figures - you know, actual evidence -  you’ll find that, here in the West, there is no pay gap or glass ceiling whatsoever for women who haven’t taken career breaks. In most other parts of the world, it’s different – but then, because you sincerely believe your own country to be uniquely evil, you don’t want to hear about real injustice or hardship, just the pretend kind you can blame on wicked American conservatives.

I could pretend I gave a crap about the disproportionate number of blacks in the prison system, but let’s face it, the reason there are so many blacks in prison is that they commit more crimes than the members of other races. So unless you’re saying we should give black criminals a free pass because of their skin colour – which I actually think would be immoral – then I’m not going that route, even though I know you’d all cream yourselves in ecstasy if I were to do so.

I could take a pop at big business, but as a big business financed Gross-Out Teen Barf Sex Comedy 8, that would be hypocritical of me – and I know how much Hollywood despises hypocrisy.

There’s the environment, but anyone with quarter of a brain – so that’s at least 20% of you – understands that fracking and oil pipelines and suchlike are utterly vital to your economy, and that the sooner those asshole Democrats in Washington grow up, stop all their silly posturing, and give us access to all that non-renewable energy the better. As for Climate Change – it’s bullshit. I know it. You know it. Sure, go on driving your hybrid cars and contributing to organisations run by eco-charlatans if it gives you a self-righteous thrill. But we’re grown-ups. At least I am.

I could sneer at the Christian right. But given that I'm a Christian and a right-winger, and that films aimed at God-fearing Christian families do exponentially better at the box-office than the anti-American left-liberal garbage you prefer to spew out - presumably because it guarantees praise from your peers in this odd little bubble-world - I'm not going to do that.

There’s the Palestinians, of course. I could cry crocodile tears for their sufferings. But, first, there are a lot of Jews in this room, they’re not all the self-loathing kind, and I’d like to work in this town again because the pay is sensational – and, after all, who wants to end up like Mel Gibson? Besides, if the Palestinians want to improve their lives, they could stop voting for terrorists, not lob rockets at Israel, do something about running the corrupt leaders who’ve been bleeding them dry for decades out of town, stop teaching their kids that Jews are apes who have no souls, ditch the unhelpful rhetoric about  about driving all the Jews into the sea (which isn't going to happen any time soon, let's face it), and start seriously negotiating the two-state solution that everyone knows is the only way of bringing any hope of peace. So, it’s ixnay re the Alestinianspay.

I’m a foreigner, so I could launch an attack on the government of my own country. But, as I’m a guest here, and this is not a political event (and because I don't hail from some corrupt Third World toilet), that would be a grotesquely selfish and unmannerly thing to do. You didn’t come here to be hectored about my country’s problems: what you really want to do is hector me about yours. (Yes, I know - those Republicans are so mean to immigrants!)

So, as I’m not a self-obsessed, morally preening airhead, and as I had a decent education, read lots of books, and try to think for myself, I’ll just say “thank you, thank you, thank you” and, smiling broadly, walk off the stage - and get ready to party.