Saturday, 19 August 2017

Beards rated by trustworthiness - deigned by Matt McInerney of pixelspread.com

The first two, I agree with, especially as I'm a "Full Beard" man myself...

...and "The Philosopher" is fine by me, whether sported by a 25-year old Clerkenwell hipster or an octogenarian philosopher. But the Goatee & Moustache? Maybe it's acceptable in America, but I've always found them rather worrying - well, okay, downright poncey, unless they've been adopted in order to slim down a fat face rather than to imply that the wearer is a sensitive intellectual. 
Personally, I'd rate all of these as questionable. They're fine if worn by people of my age (64) or older, but certainly not by anyone below the age of 50. I suspect that the Burt Reynolds is thought of as The Peter Mandelson in the UK (with all that that implies), while The Chinstrap hasn't been a thing since Prog Rock flourished in the early '70s. Sideburns are fine for Mungo Jerry tribute acts, Elvis impersonators and Wolverine, but nobody else. Friendly Chops are pure Lemmy - and if you feel friendly vibes emanating from a leather-jacketed 6'5" bloke with a warty face producing violent, ear-splitting noise while off his tits on methamphetamine, there's something seriously wrong with you. The Billy Connolly could be added to the above list - it's sort of midway between the Goatee + Moustache and the Colonel Sanders, and (for him. at least) it works. 
The Amish and The Goatee - agreed. But The Handlebar can work if worn by hipsters - especially if accompanied by a full beard - or fat old men. What's missing here is The Osbert Lancaster - a large, square moustache brushed upwards - which I've always associated with apoplectic gin-drinkers.
All spot on - after all, why would you employ anyone sporting The Hogan - or, as I prefer to think of it, The Merv Hughes. Unless, of course, you were an Australian cricket selector. As for the Neck Beard, it is an inexplicable abomination: the fact that it can only be worn by someone who spends their life in T-shirts says it all.
Let's face it, you don't see many of these around - for obvious reasons.

Safer to stick with the full beard, I reckon. 

13 comments:

  1. Mrs Thatcher apparently never appointed a bearded person to any of her cabinets. She was on to something. I seem to recall that Frank Miles once sent one of your correspondents home from his English class for being unshaven.

    Two categories not covered here and equally deserving of opprobrium are the "can't be bothered to shave" and "the Topiarist". The former is popular with men in their 20s and consists of about 4 day's growth. It's odd how it's gone from association with binge drinking and rough sleepers to the height of cool simply because fashion so dictates. The Topiarist is the growth favoured by those who craft their beards into precise shapes, shaving some parts, trimming others, spending hours achieving perfect symmetry. And when they're asked why they have grown a beard they reply "I can't be bothered to shave", even though it is obvious that each morning they spend twice as long in front of the mirror than the quick whizz round the chops with the Wilkinson Sword that the rest of us go in for.

    So as a general rule, beards are best avoided. Have you thought about shaving yours off to expose the handsome visage that lurks beneath?

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    1. Handsome visage? Should have gone to SpecSavers.
      I disagree about beards and trustworthiness, obviously. Some men suit a beard - especially round-faced types like me. In fact, I suspect most men would look better with beards. I mostly agree about topiarists, but some forms of "shaping" are acceptable, especially for werewolves.

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  2. What I really hate are those bushy, untrimmed and unkempt beards, traditionally containing crumbs from previous meals, that simply say to women "Look at me. I can grow this, and you can't, so NER!" And with one voice women would be saying "We wouldn't want to, so NER!" But I have noticed that women have recently been retaliating with super-big aggressive eyebrows. Are we seeing the beginning of another war between the sexes, I wonder.
    I put bushy or Old Testament beards in with my other pet hates, so far including: designer stubble, tattoos, piercings (except ear lobes, but including earrings which enlarge great holes in your ear lobes. What will they do when the fashion changes?) and really baggy knee-length shorts, which probably have zips to enable trouser bits to be added.
    Sorry if I've offended anyone. This is just a personal view.

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    1. Nowadays, with a profusion of cheap, battery-powered beard-trimmers available, there's really no reason for anyone who isn't a wino or mentally impaired not to keep their beards relatively neat. It only takes me ten minutes once every ten days or so with a Remington beard-trimmer to keep myself looking respectable - and a quick go with a comb after messy meals is, of course, de rigueur. Obviously, I don't suffer from pogonophobia (a fear of beards), but I can understand it, because I have a horror of hairy ears and nostrils.

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  3. "...baggy knee-length shorts".
    Helen, I agree with you wholeheartedly and hope the author of this blog takes note finally that it is not a good look. He has embarrassed his family for years by wearing these ludicrous shorts.

    I am afraid this fashion was given the official seal of approval by the victory at El Alamein in 1942 where the commander of the 8th Army, Bernard Sir Marshall Fields, had allowed the official dress code to go to hell and all the "Desert Rats" were running around in this very unmilitary apparel. The Afrika Corps wore sensible long camouflage trousers, but were badly beaten. So it is a sort of desert warrior conceit, I suspect. The British lead the world in fine tailoring, but when it comes to "smart casual"....

    "...super-big aggressive eyebrows." I think Cara Delevigne is hugely attractive, but Frida Khalo gives me the screaming ab-dabs.As long as they avoid the "Thunderbirds are Go!" look.


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    1. If you've got great legs, flaunt them, I always say, SDG. Anyway, I've become addicted to the appreciative glances and the occasional wolf-whistles, so I will continue to don one of my many pairs of shorts whenever the temperature approaches 70°F. Besides, I wouldn't wish to disappoint my legion of local admirers.

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  4. Strange - my father was in the 8th Army (Royal Fusiliers) but spared us the sight of his knobbly knees as far as I can remember. Maybe it was this sight of knees that terrified the enemy. Useful on occasion, then.
    SDG you must be a Gronmark. I do hope Scott will forgive the insult to his shorts!

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  5. Men should never-ever pluck their eyebrows! Bar a bit of a trim to avoid that Archbishop of Canterbury look over-groomed brows are deeply suspect!

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    1. Trimming should be compulsory - I dislike Rowan Williams-style eyebrows as much as I do nasal hair and shaggy ears. I also think plucking or shaving is allowable for mono-brows.

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  6. At one time my late father began to sport eyebrows, each hair of which appeared to have made up its mind to explore the air in various directions all at once. The entire family protested, and my father admitted that this growth was achieved at the instigation of his barber. I am pleased to say that following our protests this practice was discontinued.
    Of course, those with beautiful legs (and I think that many men have beautiful legs) will continue to wear their shorts. Any chance of a photograph, Scott? And have you noticed that a new type of shorts has hit the streets, looking rather like knickerbockers? I thought they looked rather good.

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  7. Might I suggest that this proposition is best followed up offline?

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  8. I maintain a site on the Dark Web where photographs of my legs are available - but, I warn you, the cost is prohibitive.

    My favourite pair of shorts, passed on to me by a family member who abhors abbreviated trouserings, were Australian ones - khaki, astonishingly comfortable, boasting myriad pockets, they reached to just below the knee - very like the style you mention, Helen. I wore them eight months of the year for three years until they disintegrated during their nth wash. I miss them.

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  9. ZZ Top's Drummer1 September 2017 at 13:21

    Aside from the use as a surname, I dislike a Beard.

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