Wednesday 19 March 2014

I can’t concentrate on a word Ed Balls says for wondering why he isn’t in prison

In fact, I can’t even look at Ed Balls without wondering why he isn’t banged up in a cell with some sex-crazed seven-foot tall bodybuilding chubby-chaser who likes to make his victims squeal like pigs. Why is the man who did so much to help destroy the British economy even allowed to comment on the efforts made by others to put the damn thing right (no matter how incompetent and half-hearted their feeble efforts might be)?

When Balls last week declared (yet again) that Britain’s economic collapse in 2008 had absolutely nothing to do with the deranged tax-and-spend policies of which he was a key architect and tireless proponent - the most grotesquely feckless and unnecessary squandering of the public’s money since King John was on the throne – I was half-listening out for the sound of police car sirens as squads of heavily-armed officers descended on the site of his interview. Where were the shouts of “Freeze!”, “Hands above your head!”, and “On the ground, fatso – now!”? Perhaps they were otherwise engaged arresting tweeters for posting comments deemed to be insufficiently multicultural.

And yet there he was in the Commons again this afternoon mouthing idiotically childish playground comments at his opposite number as Ed Miliband “responded” (i.e. desperately flannelled like a sixth-former who had forgotten to prepare for the school debate) to the Chancellor’s Budget statement. And then Balls had the temerity to get up and attack the same statement without (as far as I could tell) mentioning anything that had actually been announced in it. Even if you can wilfully destroy your country’s economy with impunity, surely the sort of lying, blustering, flatulent, incompetent performance Balls delivered today must contravene some law or other.

Obviously I live in hope that Gordon “Bugsy” Brown will eventually face charges for so moronically wrecking our finances, but at least he’s had the decency to slink off into obscurity (albeit while still drawing his salary as a Member of Parliament, which must surely constitute fraud of some description). But Balls is still there! Is it because Miliband reckons the Labour Party won’t defenestrate him in case it ends up with Bollocks as its new leader? Or do senior Labour politicians actually want to spend another term in opposition so that the Conservatives can get the economy fully back on course, allowing them to come back in and unpick it all again – the only thing socialist appear to be any good at?

Obviously the country is disappointed with the performance of the Crown Prosecution Service (or Can’t Prosecute Service, as it’s more generally known) and that of a police force seemingly obsessed with political correctness and the rights of minorities – but if only the CPS were to file charges against Ed Balls and the police were to arrest him on camera in a very public and humiliating fashion (possibly in his underpants), we’d all be militating on their behalf for higher salaries, even more generous index-linked pensions, and knighthoods all round.

8 comments:

  1. What is it with Balls? Could his unfortunate name have set him on the path toward masochism all those years ago? As his boss launched into his playground-bully, ranting 'response' to Osborne a few hours ago, did I detect a gusset-damping smile creep across his countenance? The two of them seem like boys in a world of men.
    That business with the piano' lessons last year. Yes, everybody would like to play the piano', and even in middle-age it's fine to give it a go - and if you quit (it's a bit like gym membership) after Grade 3, who cares? But to 'come out' and invite universal opprobrium well, it makes me worry about him. I know a good chap he could go and see - just to talk it through, and get to the bottom of it, the essence of it. It would just be an hour every week. If he doesn't do something, it might all end in tears. He wants to be the oil, but right now he looks like the oil-can. He can track me down on the web....

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    1. More of a sneer of contempt, rather than a smile, I think - and to earn contempt from a serial bungler like Balls you really do have to be spectacularly useless.

      I'm sure psychotherapy would help Balls (preferably a 5 year residential course in an institution for the criminally insane) but finding a psychiatrist who wouldn't slap his face within five minutes might prove difficult.

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  2. In all seriousness, I believe that some members of the previous government (notably, but not exclusively, Blair) should be put on trial. The charges would include corruption and treason. It would set a dangerous precedent and the political class would never allow it (on the grounds that it would inevitably be their turn next) but the deliberate damage they have done to this country was so great that it might never be undone. As, indeed, I believe one of the Eagle monsters actually boasted at the time.

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    1. Agree with every word. Labour's deliberate policy of flooding the country with immigrants in order to broaden their voting base and to undermine a sense of British identity was an act of unalloyed treason. But, as you say, the political class would never allow it. I think we should start with a law that every politician or commentator who calls for an increase in government expenditure (apart from on defence or the police) should pay more in tax - as they're so damned keen on the government spending even more of our money.

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  3. I learned recently that there is a name for this elemental adverse reaction to Ed Balls and some others – the "uncanny valley". Our ability to empathise with people and with things plummets, into a valley, when they don't behave in the natural way we expect them to and they become instead uncanny or creepy. The science doesn't look too serious but the phrase is useful.

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    1. Indeed - a fascinating issue, of particular importance in animated films where, if the your cute characters are made to look too human, they tend to stop looking cute and start giving viewers the creeps because they start to resemble animated corpses - i.e. the bodies are realistic, but their movements are slightly off-kilter and the eyes are always dead. With certain politicians, this unpleasant effect is enhanced by the weirdly inhuman way they speak - as if the words they're using don't mean the same to them as they do to real human beings.

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  4. "... who likes to make his victims squeal like pigs." Nye Bevan used to squeal [or shriek rather] like a stuck pig. It is a great mystery that so many post-war senior Labour politicians have had silly voices - George Brown, Clive Jenkins, Denis Healey, Tony Benn, Michael Foote, Kinnock, Gordon Brown, Miliband and, of course, Balls. Eric Joyce, Labour MP for Falkirk, has a great voice and they are going to turf him out because he is a little extrovert? Strange party.

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    1. Good point - then again, George Galloway has a good voice and is evidently either a very wicked man or a total fruit-loop. To borrow Martin Amis's comment about a certain darts referee, Miliband and Balls may not have the silliest politicians' voices ever, but they certainly have the silliest politicians' voices yet.

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