Thursday, 7 March 2013

The Vicky Pryce verdict: the people's poet Benjamin Zephyr Zodiac comforts a shocked nation

The A 11 to Tragedy
De camera flashed on de A 11,
Fe to capture da image of a speedin' BMW 7,
And bruddas, when de evidence came to light
De photo not gwan show who was drivin' dat night.

An' dat simple Code SP 30 misdemeanour under de 1988 Road Traffic Act
Seem to have gwan cracked
A massive marriage schism,
An a maelstrom of loathin' an' mutual criticism
Which probably now gwan lead to prison.
An' which set in train
A concatanashan
Of events dat shook de nashun
To its foundashun.
An' t'ing.

Now Vicki, yo' self-esteem must have took a punctcha
When yo' man decide to leave you for an odd-looking rug muncha
An' mebbe that prompt events which lead you an' Paul-Huhne,
Real soon,
To accusashun,
A Babylon investigashun,
Prosecushan file,
An' a show trial.

Cos bruddas, dis is a story tragical of Shakespearian proportion
Even wivout all dat t'ing about him fe to mek her have abortion
Which be agains' de will of Ja, as I n' I would say
Cos chilldrin be a blessing from Haile each an' every day
As dis Rasta say to me childs Shanneele and Duwayne,
An' de other 7 an' dey 4 muvvas of which I hav' forgot de name.

For de blessings of Ja be upon procreashun
Fe to give genetic regenerashun
Unto Ja's mighty nashun,
Til de end of civilisashun,
Fe dis Rasta gwan tek advantage of dat situashun,
Wiv any luck.

Sistas, to fight fe yo' rights is not a disgrace,
As long as you first gwan put de clean pots an' pans back in de rightful place,
But dat mean you must now an' den put yo' name
To de form which proclaim
"Was you doin' an excessive speed in de A 11 overtakin' lane?"

An' Paul-Huhne.
Yo' gwan have de leisure,
At Her Maj's pleasure,
To realise you gwan made a wrongful choice.
Fe to give yo' woman an independent voice,

Fe' even mo' tings she might gwan reveal
That you might wan' fe to conceal
In de unlikely event
Dat dis case ever went,
Anywhere near de Court of Appeal

Yo' better defence
Base on common sense,
Would have been to admit yo always gwan drive an' speed like a bumpa claat
Cos you is a Liberal Democrat an' therefore a twat.

An' Pryce,
Yo' defence of marital coershun
Against a charge of justice pervershun
After him desershun
Gwan gone an' worsen
De chance dat de jury gwan believ yo' version.

So bruddas! Don' bovva to rise up.
But heed this tragic tale,
Of a heavy foot on de pedal as we follow a trail,
Down da A 11 of ambition
Via de speed trap of public derision,
An' de falsely claimed licence points of restitushan
To de liberally run gaol of retribushan.

Justice bruddas! Such is de will of righteous mighty Ja,
So I n' I would say.

Raas Claat.
An' t'ing.

BZZ March 2013


  1. I'm sure BZZ will be just as outraged as the rest of us by Alison Pearson's appalling comments about Chris Huhne's lovely, pouting ladyfriend in the Telegraph:

    "Looking at photographs of the Bernard Bresslaw-lookalike Carina Trimingham, one might have thought that Pryce’s best hope of revenge on her husband was to let him keep her. But hell hath no fury like a woman whose man leaves her for a lesbian twice her size."

  2. Tooting come in me head
    'bout what him BZZ said.
    Fasting, da femaelstrom demand equality
    after years of oppreshun by maelstrom society.
    Uvverting, when back down Ja's A 11 you go,
    at joncshon 6 you namecheck Constance Briscoe.
    Dread, blood, 'bout da criminality –
    make sure her case not still Sub Judasy.

  3. Thank you, BZZ. May your expression "an odd-looking rug muncha" live for ever. Wonderful piece.

  4. As I have been congratulated on my genius as a writer of parodic poetry, I must make it absolutely clear that I AM NOT BENJAMIN ZEPHYR ZODIAC! As a poet, I make William McGonagall look good. I'm just very honoured that the great man considers The Grønmark Blog a fitting platform for his latest poetic effusions.

    Happy to clear that one up!