The government once more treats us like Big Babies

Two government initiatives are severely taxing my patience, especially as I find myself in a post-festive crapulous funk: the one whereby the public gets to vote for bits of legislation they want, and the plan to increase our philanthropy by allowing us to make charitable micro-donations every time we use a bank or  credit card.

In his very funny 2006 book, Big Babies, Michael Bywater argues that Britain has been infantilised by the nanny state and its cohorts in business and the media, who spend their time warning us not to do things any sentient adult would know to avoid, simultaneously promoting the idea that we never really have to grow up. Constant references to old people having an active sex life make me feel ill, local councils chopping down chestnut trees to protect us from falling conkers make me despair, and the sight of a grown man wearing a back-to-front baseball brings out my inner psychopath.  

On the one hand this silly coalition government tells us that health and safety regulations are a nonsense (doing sod all about them, however) while continuing to treat us as if the country were one vast kindergarten. (And now those two little pals, Elton and David, who are a bit, well,different, have been given a nice little dolly to play with – sweet!) 

The majority of UK voters are pretty clear about what they want from this government: fewer immigrants, tougher criminal justice, a referendum on whether to remain in Europe, a total halt to immigration, racial profiling in the fight against terrorism, imprisonment for all benefits scroungers, a halt to English subsidies for the Celtic fringe, a proper transport system and lower taxes – for a start. 

Now, the government could arrange all that, because, you see, it’s the government, and what do governments do, Alopecia? Well, yes, they do hand over other people’s money to your skiving slag of a mother, but they also… Anyone?... Yes, Peng Wei, they run the country. Well done! 

But because this government is a wishy-washy, left-of-centre car crash of different political parties, without a single political principle in its muddled little head - and because the former headteacher, Miss Prudence, overspent the school budget by a factor of 50 – some of the things we’d like them to do might prove a little, well, controversial. So, taking advantage of our utter inability to concentrate on anything for more than three seconds, they’ve asked the class to waste its time coming up with ideas which everyone will be able to vote on, and the winning ideas will be placed in teacher’s bottom drawer and instantly forgotten about.

What is an election manifesto if not a set of policies we get to vote for or against? (Yes, I know the answer – it’s a set of fantasy commitments which will be jettisoned the moment the lying toads are in power.)

And now that nice Mr. Francis Maude, the Cabinet Office minister, wants to make the UK more philanthropic by affording us the opportunity to give even more of the money the state has deigned to let us keep to deserving causes whenever we use a bank or credit card. 

Bless him – what an adorable chap! 

No matter that the UK is already the second most generous nation on earth (in terms of percentage of GDP) when it comes to charity (some way behind the USA, and just in front of Canada and Australia – I wonder what links these four countries?), Mr. Maude thinks we can do better (and of course, the government has led by example, actually increasing the amount of cash it hands over to Third World kleptocrats to help them bump up their retirement funds).

“If we can agree as a society the values that underpin helping each other,” Maude asserts, “we can unlock huge potential for a stronger, bigger society.”

Bunkum, balderdash, piffle and bollocks!

Nobody understands the Big Society concept, and Maude has been told to get weaving with the smoke and mirrors to provide “Call Me” Dave with a fig leaf.

Of course, there’ll a reward (apart from a smug inner glow) for the most generous givers – they’ll receive letters from government ministers, and, if they’ve been very good children, those letters will probably have gold stars on them, and a certificate stating that the giver is simply the most lovely, huggable person in the whole wide world.

You arrogant, silly, patronizing bastards!

Tell you what, Frank – stop handing out our money to people and causes we wouldn’t choose to give it to, use the savings to cut our taxes, and leave it to us to decide who and what to support. 

Or would that imply that you’re dealing with grown-ups?