"Thank you for calling 999. Please choose one of the following options..."

...If someone has written something hurty about you on social media, or you've read something hurty about Islam, Muslims, blacks, gays, women, transexuals, transvestites, lesbians, or the disabled,  or you're a member of a left-liberal pet victim group and you think someone might have looked at you in a funny way on the tube, or you got drunk last night and had sex with some bloke but now feel embarrassed about it and would like to take it out on him by accusing him of rape and ruining his life, press '1'...

 Your call will be answered instantly by a Detective Chief Superintendent, who will immediately dispatch a crack SWAT team of credulous social justice warrior pseudo-cops to your home, office, or wherever you're chilling with your pals. They will take every word you say as the gospel truth, and will move heaven and earth to catch the vicious, unfairly privileged heterosexual white man who has caused you such unbelievable distress.

If you're a criminal who has suffered an unprovoked attack by a member of the non-criminal community while you were attempting to commit a crime against them, press '2'. Be assured - we'll come down on your attacker like a ton of bricks.

If you've somehow got it into your head that you have been or are being mugged, burgled, beaten up or actually, genuinely, raped, or if you wish to report a shoplifting offence by some disadvantaged victim of a cruel, uncaring society, please press '3'. Your call won't be answered, so you'd be better off contacting us via Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat at #wellwhatdoyouexpectustodoaboutit, and we'll ignore it until such time as the media get hold of the story.

Thank you for contacting the police. Despite all appearances to the contrary, your call is important to us, mainly because the accumulated anger of you and all the other law-abiding citizens who've been shafted by the criminal justice system they pay for will allow us - and virtue-signalling opposition politicians - to complain endlessly about Tory cuts.

Mind how you go. No, seriously, mind how you go - because you're on your own, sunshine!"