Saturday, 7 April 2018

"Thank you for calling 999. Please choose one of the following options..."

...If someone has written something hurty about you on social media, or you've read something hurty about Islam, Muslims, blacks, gays, women, transexuals, transvestites, lesbians, or the disabled,  or you're a member of a left-liberal pet victim group and you think someone might have looked at you in a funny way on the tube, or you got drunk last night and had sex with some bloke but now feel embarrassed about it and would like to take it out on him by accusing him of rape and ruining his life, press '1'...

 Your call will be answered instantly by a Detective Chief Superintendent, who will immediately dispatch a crack SWAT team of credulous social justice warrior pseudo-cops to your home, office, or wherever you're chilling with your pals. They will take every word you say as the gospel truth, and will move heaven and earth to catch the vicious, unfairly privileged heterosexual white man who has caused you such unbelievable distress.

If you're a criminal who has suffered an unprovoked attack by a member of the non-criminal community while you were attempting to commit a crime against them, press '2'. Be assured - we'll come down on your attacker like a ton of bricks.

If you've somehow got it into your head that you have been or are being mugged, burgled, beaten up or actually, genuinely, raped, or if you wish to report a shoplifting offence by some disadvantaged victim of a cruel, uncaring society, please press '3'. Your call won't be answered, so you'd be better off contacting us via Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat at #wellwhatdoyouexpectustodoaboutit, and we'll ignore it until such time as the media get hold of the story.

Thank you for contacting the police. Despite all appearances to the contrary, your call is important to us, mainly because the accumulated anger of you and all the other law-abiding citizens who've been shafted by the criminal justice system they pay for will allow us - and virtue-signalling opposition politicians - to complain endlessly about Tory cuts.

Mind how you go. No, seriously, mind how you go - because you're on your own, sunshine!"


  1. Seeing dear old Jack Warner reminds me of the famous outtake of Victor Maddern trying to say "Dock Green nick". I wonder if Cressida Dick has seen it?

    1. Thanks SDG. I had somehow missed the very funny Victor Maddern outtake, which has now been viewed repeatedly to make up for lost time.

    2. In case anyone is wondering what SDG and Ex-KCS are talking about, it's this:

  2. It seems like our police have been transformed into a branch of the social-services. Although the soft touch is sometimes preferable to the brutality of America (which is often necessary considering.. America 2018) I wonder how much more time the police could capitalize on if they didn't have to process paperwork and minor racial disputes.

    I did laugh at the penultimate paragraph!

    I recently saw a "UK Cops" style video in which a fay/fey policeman in North England with an "Adopt A Greyhound" mug ended up sentencing a white-van owner for beating a thief with a crowbar for breaking into his van. I do understand we live in a civilized society, but seeing the way he talked about the "crime", I realized: the issue isn't just laws, it's weak, weak men in positions of power.

    ** If I can find video I'll post it here, but I don't want to upset the sound of mind.

    Anyway, fab article as per!

    1. Thanks, Anonymous! What puzzles me is why anyone in their right mind would want to join the police these days, when so much of their work seems to involve filling in forms, investigating trumped-up hate crimes, protecting the guilty, and being lead by brainwashed, politically-correct, Common Purpose brown-nosers. What does the average police officer think about all this? (I would ask one, but I haven't seen any around here for at least five years).

      This satirical video just about sums it up: