Sunday, 1 January 2017

New Year? New you! The Grønmark Blog's 2017 fashion tips for the hip, happening guy

If, like me, you're the owner of a six-pack, plenty of chest-hair, and get a kick out of being wolf-whistled by chicks - Lee Majors is definitely the dude to follow. But if you're slightly - ahem - larger than the Six Million Dollar Hunk, and want to emphasise your "contours", here's your style guru for 2017...

Steady, girls! Just check out this particular Kunta Kinte's impressive mandingo warrior!
Woof! Personally, I prefer to emphasise my svelteness with moderately high-waisted slacks. A 5" waistband ought to do the trick: 
I'm also partial to slightly larger-than normal shirt collars. I'm definitely tempted by this fetching little number:
Eleganza indeed! Like my chum Lee Majors, I like pants that really reflect those revolving disco glitter-balls:
Aviator shades all round! Of course, you may not be much of a dancer - in which case, you might try snaring a partner at the local golf club (or save money by just clasping a golf club at a bus stop while pointing at nothing in particular - like this bloke): 
Muscles help, I think, because it means you can dress like this chap and not have people laughing in your face (unless they're very drunk, or suicidal):
Hell, you could even get away with a jumpsuit!
Crikey - this "ah man" doesn't look particularly pleased with his purchase, I must say. Perhaps he should have taken a tip from this testosterone-charged trio of dangerous street thugs. Grrrr!
If you're not quite as robustly built as these chaps - or simply don't fancy being turned into a "stud" - you might consider leaving more to the onlooker's imagination by adopting somewhat looser clothing:
Caramba! While I admire bold choices when it comes to fashion, even I think this next fellow might have gone a tad too far:
Hmm. If all of the above strike you as a bit racy, you could always opt for some manly knitwear:
Cool! But be warned - knitwear doesn't suit all body types:
I really hope the NSPCC intervened. However, if you're seriously out of shape, just grab a fringed poncho - it seems to have helped this dude to "score":
Let's say your stylish outer garments have attracted a member of the opposite (or same) sex. You've persuaded them to accompany you back to your hip bachelor "pad", you've switched on the lava lamps, served up some Cinzano and lemonade, put some Barry White on the stereo, and things are getting... interesting. You don't want to risk spoiling the mood by revealing that you're sporting a pair of M&S Y-fronts. So think carefully about undergarments. These might do (but only if you have 12" hips and can figure out how to get rid of that disconcerting stain): 
Or the next item might do - because if she (or he) has been impressed by your shirt, your nether garments won't disappoint (though I'm not quite sure how you're supposed to have managed calls of nature earlier in the evening, especially with the end of that zip to negotiate) :
Oh, I almost forgot - don't forget a trip to the nearest unisex hair-dresser. I'd strongly recommend this attractive styling:
Gorgeous. But, okay, some of us are getting a bit long in the tooth, and we might find it difficult to carry off any of the above get-ups. Never fear - I reckon this could be the answer to our fashion conundrum: 
Sorted! Alternatively, as revolution is in the air, we chaps could simply start wearing proper clothes again:
They look pretty damned smart to me.


  1. Welcome to the world of Jason King. I wonder if many of these men are proud owners of the Black & Decker cordless drill and a suitable selection of drill-heads?

    1. Did you know that Peter Wyngarde is still with us? According to Wikipedia, he was either born with that name in Marseille 83 years ago - or as Cyril Goldbert in Singapore up to 90 years ago (the version favoured by the writer, J.G. Ballard). Whatever, I shall always be grateful to him because, while I was in the depths of despair in a Swiss hotel room in the middle of an assignment as a producer working with a particularly ghastly CAUC of a foreign correspondent, an ancient, dubbed episode of "Jason King" suddenly popped up on local TV, and I was immediately cheered up - especially when our hero pulled a pipe with an enormously long stem out of his knee-length leather boots.

  2. Jeans that turn a dude into a Stud...

    Swear the guy in the middle is Nick Nolte!


  3. Talk about demiurgic vanity.
    Sorry just read that in the National Review about the outgoing POTUS.
    I had to consult a dictionary.