Monday, 8 June 2015

"The whole machine's going to blow up - and me with it." The new FIFA film, "United Passions", sounds ucannily prophetic

The line about the whole machine blowing up and him with it is delivered by Tim Roth playing Sepp Blatter in the FIFA-financed biopic, United Passions, which - with delicious irony - hit cinema screens this weekend. In the US, where it was released in ten cinemas, its total opening weekend gross was $607. It cost $25m to make. Judging by the trailer, it deserves to bomb - it really does look spectacularly dreadful, despite the presence of some fairly expensive actors. But it would be a shame not to relish dialogue, which, in the light of recent events, really does sound as if it has been ripped from today's headlines. Here are some particularly ripe examples:

"An institution like ours cannot run on good intentions alone." (Of course not - it'll need corruption on an unprecedented scale)

"You have everything you need to run our family... But, you know, the slightest error and you’re out." (Yes, Don Corleone - capisce!)

"I don’t know where the money’s gone. I mean, I have my suspicions." (So do we, Sepp - so do we)

Lawyer to Sepp Blatter: "You’ve been betrayed. You could go to prison." (Fingers crossed!)

"The whole machine’s going to blow up – and me with it." (Only if the FBI sticks its nose in, Sepp - and what are the chances of that happening?)

"Everything I’ve done up until this point, I’ve done for the good of football."

"Blatter is apparently good at finding money." (And then promply losing track of it)

"Our accounts are disastrous!" (Really? I find that hard to believe!)

I mean, Depardieu - okay. But Sam Neill? And Tim Roth? Were they really that hard up for cash?

I sincerely hope Sky or one of our other broadcasters has secured the rights to show this steaming pile of cinematic manure on television. If they have, we're evidently all in for a truly glorious treat.

As I've remarked before - isn't it great when bad things happen to bad people?


  1. you couldn't make it up...

  2. Mind you, Notorious B.I.G. as Sir Stanley Rous was an inspired piece of casting.

    1. Thought I seriously doubt whether Sir Stanley habitually referred to his successor, João Havelange, as a "jive-ass mother" as the film suggests.