Years from now, when someone asks me where I was when I heard that the FBI had arrested a bunch of FIFA officials, I'll be able to say that I was standing in my dressing gown in our kitchen clutching my hip and whining about the pain I was in. (I think I've definitely established that doing back-strengthening exercises just before going to bed is a massively bad idea.) My wife told me what had happened, the pain instantly evaporated, and I raced next door to grab the iPad and switch on the TV in order to gorge myself on all the joyous news.
Really - it's hard to think of another news story that would make so many people ecstatically happy and so few people sad. Sky and the BBC kept switching to the Queen's Speech, but you knew their hearts weren't really in it - there was only one thing they and the rest of us wanted to hear about.
It was like being informed that an American medical team had unexpectedly flown in to operate on an old friend whose tumour had been adjudged inoperable by all the top surgeons in Europe - and that the operation was already underway. It felt that good.
The fact that it's the FBI makes it all the more delightful. I keep dreaming of a bunch of heavily-armed, soberly-suited agents kicking open the door to Sepp Blatter's office, and him cringeing behind his desk, hands raised, shouting, 'Don't shoot, G-men! DON'T SHOOT, G-MEN!"
Hasn't happened yet, but one... one day...
Best moment yet was FIFA spokesman Walter De Gregorio at a press conference this morning telling the assembled journalists, "This is a good day for FIFA," which left the BBC reporter on the spot wondering what a bad day for FIFA would look like.
I have always been completely, absolutely and utterly certain that the 2022 World Cup will not take place in Qatar. All power to the Swiss authorities who today announced a separate criminal "probe" (as newsmen say) into the bid process for 2018 and 2022. The results of their enquiries should be quite interesting.
You will remember that, during that bid process, Britain, having been promised a number of votes by scum-sucking FIFA delegates, ended up with just one, prompting David Beckham - a key member of the British bid team, which included Prince William - to utter the following wonderfully British sentence: "I can cope with being lied to, but I can’t cope with people lying to the Prime Minister and the future king." He might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I reckon this quietly-spoken, decent, patriotic Englishman would make a splendid president of FIFA. Mind you, it's hard to think of anyone who wouldn't make a better president than Sepp Blatter.
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Man I don't know what happened but it's the one time all y'all, in all the various forms of social media, have ever been in agreement with one another...and tickled.
ReplyDeleteTonight, the FBI are official heroes all around the globe, wherever soccer is played (and yes, just this one time, I'll call it "soccer" in honour of US law enforcement officials - but it's back to "football" tomorrow). If the FBI wind up arresting, charging and convicting Blatter, they should be invited to do a lap of honour at the start of the 2018 World Cup Final- even if it stays in Russia. That'll be a global audience of around one billion.
DeleteHearing that the arrested FIFA officials were charged with "racketeering" was a special treat.
God Bless America!
As we have already established, I know nothing about football (and care even less) but I am bewildered by something. If FIFA is such a pile of crap (I insist on using the correct legal terminology) why don't the generally law abiding countries being afflicted by its malevolence (Brits, Germans, Dutch et al) simply walk away?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to be able to pretend that things are better organised in the more gentlemanly world of cricket. But, clearly, they aren't.
Practically every official sports body in the world is rubbish - for instance, it's just been revealed that Rafael Nadal has been allowed to veto an umpire who annoys him by regularly penalising him for his outrageous time-wasting tactics. Cricket, tennis, Football - the governing bodies are uniformly atrocious, but even in this dismal company FIFA stands out for its humungous levels of corruption. It's an utter cess-pit.
DeleteYour question is a good one. Essentially, Blatter and his sordid cronies are being kept in power by a bunch of Third World countries. It's the same as the UN, basically. I have no idea why the proper footballing nations - and England - didn't just turn round when Qatar got the nod for 2022 and say "Sod this for a game of soldiers - we're off". I suspect South America's the problem - after all, some of the FIFA officials charged today are from that neck of the woods, and a truly global football tournament without Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and Chile would be pointless - and Europe already has the European Championship every four years. Besides - even if all the proper football nations tried to give FIFA a body-swerve, what are the chances of France not stabbing everyone else in the back?
Justin Webb, writing in the Times:
ReplyDelete...one woman has done more this week to counter the mutterings of the global coalition of anti-Americans than the entire presidency of Barack Obama. Her name is Loretta Lynch.
That means something, given that Obama is a deity as far as the BBC's Justin Webb is concerned!
DeleteBlogmeister:
ReplyDeletePractically every official sports body in the world is rubbish
Think of boxing.
Hey - we could end up with two different world cups, just like boxing! Not a bad idea, actually - Europe and South America compete for one (oh, okay - with Australia and the USA), while the rest of the World - i.e. all the countries which have paid most of the bribes to FIFA officials - plus Russia, of course - could compete for the other, meaningless one!
Deletebugger, I've just lost in the interweb what I thought was a pithy comment...and it's too late to ask the brain cells to re-assemble...hey ho.
ReplyDeleteI might try again when I have rested.
ReplyDeleteHow much rest do you need, Riley??? We're on tenterhooks!
DeleteBad news story of the year - they left the head on the snake. Can't they do anything decent?
ReplyDeleteNo they can't - but it'll be fun watching the snake (and its head) writhing in agony for the next couple of years.
Deletemy apposite comments of yesterday have slipped into oblivion but despite the fact that I have no interest in soccer whatsoever I find this bizarre story quite tantalising. Surely a European-wide boycott will unfold ( I heard this from Greg Dyke) and will the rest of the world follow?
ReplyDeleteBlatter's election is another extraordinary episode in this mesmerising soap-opera.
How soon before his collar is felt? Place your bets.....
Apparently the French voted for Blatter (what a surprise!), as did Spain - I suspect the FBI or the Swiss authorities will have to arrest the nasty little gnome before Europe speaks with one voice. But all the signs are that warrants will eventually be issued. I suspect it's going to be a very entertaining few years.
Delete