A larger-scale TV version of radio's The News Quiz. A crop of BBC’s Leftie “comedians” would gather in front of an audience of humourless Guardian and New Statesman-reading socialists to make sneering, morally preening remarks about Ukippers, Climate Change deniers, Eurosceptics, anyone who questions the benefits of mass immigration, fools who don’t necessarily believe that Islam is the “religion of peace”, bastards who’ve been to private school (apart from the presenters and audience members, most of whom will have benefitted from an expensive education paid for by their parents), those racists who don’t accept that the sun shines out of Obama’s freckle, anyone who doesn't simply adore wind-farms, and, obviously, planet-destroying car enthusiasts. The audience will be encouraged to make ugly, mirthless, baying noises when any person or group they find morally abhorrent is mentioned.
There won’t actually be many blacks on the programme (apart, of course, from BBC favourites Lenny Henry, Stephen K. Amos and Reginald D. Hunter), but it will mercilessly attack racists, i.e. any white person who votes Tory or UKIP. The main presenter would, obviously, be Marcus Brigstocke, who the BBC evidently believes is a great favourite of licence-fee payers. Alternatively – in order to “up the fanny count” as it used to be known in my days at the BBC – it could be that hilarious Mistess of Merriment, Sandi Toksvig, who would also be suitable for a lead role on the next programme on our list.
A celebration of Britain’s sizeable LGBT community, fronted by a team of four regular presenters (ideally one of each). Set to be based on one of those 1970s pre-AIDS New York “bath-houses”, mixed with some Studio 54-style décor. The main aim of the programme would be to convince us that gays and lesbians are still being victimised, despite representing two of the most economically and creatively successful sections of society, while also questioning the outmoded concept of binary sexual identity. The word queer in the title would be in quotation marks to underline that its use is reserved for members of the LGBT community, and that anyone else using it in a non-ironical context will be prosecuted for hate-crime. Each programme will shudder to a climax with the presentation of the weekly "Alan Turing Award for Being Gay" to some notable guest (a sort of "Star in a Reasonably-Priced Bar" slot). As QI is looking decidedly senescent these days, Stephen Fry might be available as the main presenter – although Graham Norton might be a better choice, as he is worryingly underused by the BBC. The vertically-challenged dancer Louis Spence could play the Richard Hammond role of chirpy short-arse, while Claire Balding could replace the sensible, stolid James May.
Top Fear
Left-wing journalists, left-wing academics, left-wing heads of left-wing pressure groups and left-wing actors convene once a week to lend credence to the most ludicrous left-wing “fear” stories currently being hyped in the media. Possible themes could include the three millions jobs that would be lost if Britain left the EU; how the Himalayas will be under water and polar bears will be extinct by 2035 thanks to global warming; how eating anything that tastes good is dangerous; how non-toxic e-cigarette vapour will fatally poison any child within a ten-mile radius; how a Conservative government would round up every non-higher rate tax-payer and place them in concentration camps run by psychotic Sandhurst graduates; how a UKIP government would sent out military death-squads to murder anyone with a dark skin or a Polish accent; how everyone north of Watford is dying of starvation because of non-existent government “cuts”. The team of presenters would include Owen Jones, Laurie Penny and BBC News Home Editor, Mark Easton.
Top Smear
Left-wing journalists and MPs gather weekly to make up smear stories about right-wing politicians and businessman, the military, the Royal Family, private schools - in fact, anyone with a bit of cash who doesn’t toe the left-liberal line. Hysterical smear stories would include the allegation that all Tory politicians under Mrs. Thatcher were part of an enormous paedophile ring, that only the Murdoch press routinely engaged in phone-hacking, and any story involving Arab terrorists accusing British soldiers of denying them their human rights by deliberately burning their toast or boiling their breakfast egg for too long, or which involve the families of drug-dealing, gun-toting black gangsters claiming the police shot their angelic relative just because he was black. There is only one possible main presenter for this show – step forward, Piers Morgan!
Top Tear
Highly-paid heads of politically-motivated charities get together every Sunday evening to entertain us with ludicrously-inflated sob stories involving members of their favourite victim groups. ("18-stone alcoholic Shawneesa Slattersby has eight children, all by different fathers, is about to give birth to sextuplets, has never worked a day in her life, and yet the government expects her to live on benefits of just £24,000 a year, and is threatening to move her out of the 12-room Hampstead mansion where she and her family have been living for the last six years at the ratepayers' expense.") The audience will be selected on the basis of their ability to cry copiously at the mere sound of Fergal Keane's voice, and the presenters will try to outdo each other in emoting very loudly and sounding aggrieved and resentful but infinitely caring, while making sure that we all get their central messages, i.e. give us even more of your money to be compassionate with, and, of course, VOTE LABOUR! and HATE AMERICA!
Following the disastrous performance of his extraordinarily patronising ebola-inspired remake of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”, Bob Geldof probably has a lot of time on his hands, but actor Michael Sheen might prove a more popular main presenter with viewers under 60.
ElReg have seen a different leaked TV schedule including Strictly Come Dogging designed to achieve digital absolution for the Corporation where everything else has failed.
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