Thursday, 22 August 2013

Diane Abbott is spot on – the real problem with this country is NOT ENOUGH IMMIGRANTS

Following Labour MP Diane Abbott’s call for Labour to campaign for more immigration (read all about it here), The Grønmark Blog has invited Bert Scroggins, a regular of Ye Olde Suicide Bomber pub in Hackney, to provide this week's guest post:

"I am so sick of moaning minnies banging on about how there are too many immigrants – when it’s obvious to any sensible person that there aren't enough of 'em.

Thank God someone’s had the bottle to speak up on behalf of good old traditional working-class Brits like me who’ve been crying out for more Somalis, Pakistanis, Poles, Afro-Caribbeans, Bangladeshis, Bulgarians, Romanians and, of course, Arabs – you can’t have too many Arabs -  to be let into this country. I travel around quite a bit, and let me tell you that up and down this great country of ours – this great diverse country of ours -  in places like Tower Hamlets and Leicester and Bradford and Lincolnshire and Stoke Newington, pubs like this one are heaving – heaving, mate -  with the likes of me complaining about how there just aren’t enough foreigners to go round.

For a start, our local hospitals are in danger of being closed down because there are too many nurses and doctors and just not enough patients to keep them all in work. And some of the doctors these days actually speak English, so you can understand what’s wrong with you – too much information, if you ask me. There’s a whole council estate down the road – nice one mind you, not a dump – that’s turning into a ghost town because they just can’t find enough non-English speakers to give the best flats to. It’s a disgrace. And the local council school may have to start holding lessons in English because so many of the kids actually speak the language these days. What’s that all about? And the local DSS people are going mad because they can’t find enough recent arrivals to give the money to. If this goes on, the government may end up having to spend less on welfare – and where’s that all going to end?

Only last week the missus was telling me how she’s really missing the sound of the local muezzin wailing his tits off at all hours of the day and night. It’s like we’re not living in London no more. And these days you can barely muster enough angry young unemployed religious nutters in white robes and straggly beards to hold a decent rally calling for death to murdering British soldiers. Do you know, I travelled five stops on the bus yesterday and I didn’t hear anyone speaking a foreign language. Not one. Mad or what! And there’s a rumour going round that there might be more children born to white Britons in this borough next year than to immigrants. Crazy! And the council’s only demanding that we celebrate “Christmas” this year instead of our traditional Winterval Festival. I ask you! If this goes on, we’ll be celebrating Easter instead of Diwali or Eid! Won't know whether we're coming or going, squire!

Next thing you know, they’ll be teaching our kids about Waterloo and Nelson and Elizabeth the First and the Armada, instead of slavery and colonial oppression and the Russian Revolution and Nelson Mandela. What next? Florence Nightingale instead of Mary Seacole? And the next time we have to organise a massive televised pageant celebrating our history, who’s going to play all those black Victorian industrialists – white people? Hah! As for what'll happen to Radio 4 drama - doesn't bear thinking about. Half them plays are about immigrants being treated like rubbish by vicious, narrow-minded bigots like me.

If this goes on, who’s going to daub insulting slogans on synagogues and attack orthodox Jews in the street? Or desecrate war memorials? Or beat up gays? And where, I should like to know, are we going to find gangs of sexual predators to groom underaged white girls? And who’se going to supply all the East European prostitutes? British gangsters? Don't make me laugh. And who’s going to make sure our kids get their supplies of Class A drugs? As for our prison service – they’ll be laying off half the screws. And what’ll all those poor human rights lawyers do for a living?

Listen, if we don't get a couple more million immigrants in here sharpish, there'll ne no one to pay our pensions, will there. Cos, as you know, all immigrants work really hard and they all pay their taxes and they refuse to accept benefits of any kind and they all bugger off home before they become eligible for pensions themselves. And it's not like we have a housing problem or too few school places or nothing like that. Plenty of room for everyone!

You know, I stopped voting Labour because they were so unwilling to open our borders to foreigners. What sort of Briton would want to spend their life being surrounded by white people all spouting English in traditional accents? It'd drive me bonkers, I can tell you! But if Labour got rid of that racist Ed Miliband and put Diane Abbot in charge, I’d start voting for them again like a shot! She’s one of us, she is. Gawd bless ‘er!"

Mind how you go, guv, and remember - our diversity is our strength. Straight up!"


  1. Great post. Worthy of "Cockney Wankah" from Viz. Now, about this 5th Test... [Ed.Dropped because it is very boring].

    1. I disagree - the 5th test was anything but boring.

      Now you've mentioned it, I may have to go out and buy Viz for the first time in years - I feel in need of some thoroughly smutty, juvenile humour.