Sunday, 14 October 2012

The current list of the top 30 things I'd like to see banned

Any further mention of the Hillsboro disaster.

Films featuring sexually active old people. (I mean - why?)

Leaving flowers at the scene of tragedies.

Footballers emerging onto the pitch at the start of internationals hand-in-hand with children.

Actors presenting lavish television travelogue series. (They’re never that bright and have absolutely nothing to say, apart from “Wow, look at those mountains!” or “Hey, this tastes awesome!”).

Politicians appearing on any radio or television entertainment programme and trying to be funny (with the exception of Boris Johnson and William Hague, who are funny).

Give it a rest, love
Any professional singer embarrassing the hell out of everyone by melismatically warbling the national anthem (yes, I mean you Lesley Garrett - and why Americans have for so long put up with Aretha Franklin regularly massacring "The Star-Spangled Banner" is anybody's guess).

Baby on Board car stickers. (They're pointless and they cause accidents as the driver behind tries to get close enough to read the sticker.)

The use of one’s Christian name by medical staff whose people one doesn’t know. Frightfully impertinent.

Paul McCartney performing at any televised event.

Grown men with spiky hair-dos.

The use of the word dividend to mean anything but a payment to shareholders.

Book jackets featuring a lone, indistinct figure trudging through a bleak, snowy landscape.

The use of the phrase to die for (unless the speaker actually wants to die for it).

Interviews with tennis players as they’re about to step onto the court (monosyllabic), or with footballers after a match (incomprehensible).

Rock stars pretending to recognise members of the audience by pointing at them and grinning.

Dressing up in any form of costume to run marathons for charity.

Any film or TV drama featuring swearing children.

The Notting Hill Carnival. (We've put up with this annual crimefest long enough.)

Vox pops on television news.

Body piercings, apart from the ear-lobes of women, pirates and gypsies.

Halloween (in Britain). (What was wrong with Guy Fawkes Night?)

Visible tattoos, especially on the neck, which invariably make the wearer look like a burns victim.

Mascots for major sports events (I mean, Wenlock?)

Scripted banter at awards ceremonies.

Awards ceremonies.

Politicians who have served time in prison campaigning for prisoners’ rights.
The religion of peace

The phrase “religion of peace”.

BBC news reports about education featuring classrooms where there isn’t a single white face to be seen. (In case there’s any doubt, this is neither particularly reassuring nor heart-warming).

The word legacy to mean anything apart from something mentioned in a will.


  1. Live music that isn't.

    Features on Princess Di, especially involving those involving the expression 'It's what she would have wanted.'

    TV tributes to great artists involving those who aren't. 'Peter Cook would have loved my work if he'd not been dead' says TV Mr Comedy Michael McIntyre. 'James Brown the influence behind I want you back' says X- Factor's Gary Baldrick.

    The view that history began at about the time that the commentator was born.

    Err...posts by old farts saying what they don't much like about the modern world. No. Obviously not that!

  2. New Orleans will be filing an exemption for the costume marathons. They claim that they are the exception that proves the rule (if you can't pull it off as they shouldn't do it)...they real drag-queens and liquor stops.

    I'd like to add "teachable moment" to the list please...and the wearing of pink by (American) football players in October.

  3. Jose Manuel Barroso. Has he been chemically castrated?

    Photographs of gob-sheit politicians in class-rooms, in hospital wards or kicking a football around.

    Any future reference to Scottish Independence [excuse me, Devo Max] as it ain't going to happen so why doesn't somebody make an adult decision now and save the taxpayer millions. Give Salmond some kind of title or medal instead to keep him quiet.]

    Stop giving the slightest bit of notice to Moody's or Standard&Poor or to anybody in the economic forecasting business like the OECD, the IMF etc etc.

    The Norwegian Nobel Committee that awarded the Peace Prize to the EU should be disbanded.

    The BBC should not make funds available to Andrew Marr to make silly documentaries.

  4. Nothing I'd disagree with in any of these lists (apart from the one about moaning old farts, of course.)

    Yes, hefty sportsmen supporting causes is hard to take - the problem I have with it is that it's so easy to do and all the message boils down to is "Gosh, aren't we nice!" I'd be more impressed if they all appeared wearing "NO MORE TAX HIKES" slogans.

    Actually, the next pop artist who tells us that The Beatles were a great influence on their work should be hung, drawn and quartered. Odd how they never namecheck Pickettywitch or Herman's Hermits.

    And a big yes to banning politicians and public sector photo-ops, organisations issuing economic forecasts, disbanding the Nobel Committee and Andrew Marr from making any more history series for TV (or writing books or appearing on radio or being photographed late at night fondling TV producers' bums - I know the midwife battered him with the ugly stick, but that's really no excuse.

    If I haven't already aired my view that Barroso and Van Rompuy are the result of
    a genetic experiments that went hideously wrong, let me do so now.