That Clegg-Cameron post election discussion in full

NICK: Hi, Dave! Got a moment to run through these House of Lords reform proposals? I think my team has just about perfected them.

DAVE: Jeez, numbnuts. What planet are you from?

NICK: I’m sorry?

DAVE: Look, all that crap’s toast, right? I mean, how badly do we have to do before you get it?

NICK: Well, yes, the election results were a bit saddening…

DAVE: Saddening? SADDENING? They were a cast-iron *@!$ing catastrophe. You and I are up crap creek on a surfboard with a frigging great hole in it! And no surf!

NICK: Oh come on, Dave – mid-term blues and all that. It’s inevitable when you’ve got an exciting, radical, reforming political experiment like the Coalition in train. I don’t think we should allow a small set-back to stop us from achieving the things you and I and Francis Maude so passionately believe in – Parliamentary Reform, gay marriage, cutting CO2 emissions, a High Speed Rail link…

DAVE: Let’s get this straight, you stupid tit – that’s all bollocks! Maude’s focus groups told us people didn’t mind all that rubbish, but turns out they'd prefer economic growth and jobs and sound defence and a strong police force.

NICK: Look, Dave – I didn’t come into politics just to…

DAVE: You didn’t come into politics at all, Clegg – you joined the LibDems. And it’s Mr Cameron from now on.

NICK: My party won’t take kindly to…

DAVE: What party? You just destroyed it! You’re just a pathetic handful of losers everyone hates. You even hate each other!

NICK: Vince isn’t a loser! Vince is popular!

DAVE: Vince is a wanker! A joke! An idiot! Last year you and that miserable old git stopped all our business reforms in their tracks. Nobody’s hiring anybody because they can’t fire anybody – thanks to you blithering idiots. And I’m a blithering idiot for letting you get away with it. What was I thinking? My backbenchers want to string me up by the gonads because of all the stupid LibDem ideas I’ve agreed to adopt. 

NICK: But climate change…

DAVE: IT’S A FANTASY, YOU MORON! Nobody in my party believes in it. Not even me! And I’ve got a frigging wind-turbine on my frigging roof. It was just a ruse to make us look caring… and nice. It’s only you dickheads who actually believe in that bullshit!

There’s a knock at the door, which opens to reveal Francis Maude.

MAUDE: Hi Dave, Nick. Sorry to interr…

Cameron picks up a large lead-crystal paperweight and hurls it at the intruder. It dislodges a portrait of Ted Heath from the wall next to the door. Maude beats a hasty retreat.

NICK: Well, if that’s you attitude, David... sorry, Mr. Cameron... you leave us no alternative buy to withdraw from the Coalition and offer our support to the Labour Party.

DAVE: (laughs cynically) Better take a look at these first. 

Cameron tosses a bulky A4 envelope across the desk. Hesitantly, Clegg picks it up and opens the flap. Inside are several sets of photographs. After studying them briefly, Clegg reaches for the nearest wastepaper bin and throws up.

DAVE: That’d keep the Murdoch story off the front pages for a few weeks, I reckon. ‘Course, it’ll bring down the government – but it’d be worth it just to see you and your little band of tossers being torn apart by the media.

NICK: (in a semi-whisper) What do you want?

DAVE: I want you and Cable and Danny Alexander and the rest of you over-represented dorks to keep your bleeding traps shut while me and George do exactly what our backbenchers are demanding of us.

NICK: But you can face them down. You’re good when you get all stern.

DAVE: With Boris waiting in the wings? Don’t be a twat all your life. Gay marriage – gone. House of Lords reform – gone. Climate change – forget it: we’re closing the Environment Department as of this evening. It’ll be nuclear power all the way from now on. We’re deregulating business – they can fire who they bloody want. No more money for the EU, and an immediate referendum on membership. Foreign Aid’s out the window. Top rate of tax 40%. Everyone now on 40% on 30% from tonight. No High Speed Rail Link. Public Sector employment halved by 2015. No more subsidies to Scotland and Wales – they don’t vote for us, so they can go and boil their heads. Defence spending to rise by 50%. We’re building more prisons and increasing police numbers. Oh, and every terrorist suspect wanted abroad should be on a plane by now…

NICK: But that’ll be a disaster!

DAVE: Like you don’t think we’ve got one already?

Clegg’s shoulders slump. The folder of lurid photographs falls from his limp hands.

DAVE: That’s right, Clegg. No more Mr Nice Guy. The only way I’m going to save myself is to save Britain from idiots like you. Now, get out! I’ve got a country to run.  Take the wastepaper bin with you, and send in that nice Nigel Farage. He and I have grown-up business to discuss.