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| Aquaman |
I didn’t sleep well last night. Partly it was the heat, partly it was weighing up the question of whether bankers or dentists are the greediest bastards on the planet, and partly because my son was facing his heaviest day of A-level exams. Whatever, when I started reading the paper this morning I seriously wondered whether I was still asleep as I read a brace of stories that couldn’t possibly be true.
First there was a review of a new TV series,
Hit & Miss, which premiered on Sky last night. The hero(ine) is a transsexual hit (wo)man who started off as male but who has decided he/she would prefer to be female. When the reviewer mentioned a prosthetic penis, I decided I’d probably give the series a miss (or should that be a mister?
Boom! Boom!).
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| Ahh! Bless! |
The next surreal item was a comic-book drawing of two men holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. Evidently, Northstar, an openly gay Canadian superhero who features in Marvel Comics’
Astonishing X-Men, is to “marry” his long-time boyfriend in issue No. 50.
Can’t wait!
It was when I read that Marvel Comics’ great rival, DC, the publishers of
Superman,
Wonder Woman and
Green Lantern, are preparing to “out” one of their heroes as gay that I put down the newspaper and rubbed my eyes with trembling hands, just to make sure the Queen wasn’t about to appear at our front door demanding the return of her aardvark.
No,
wide awake!
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| Tranny? |
Given that most superheroes live double lives in any case, and tend to wear the sort of costumes that wouldn’t look out of place on a Gay Pride march, I suppose the plan makes some kind of sense. But if DC Comics really feel they need to ape Marvel, I’d prefer they created a gay superhero from scratch rather than have one of my childhood heroes suddenly burst out of the cupboard in full regalia shrieking “
Surprise!”
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| Oops! |
The big question now is – who’s going to be revealed as having lived a lie for decades? I used to be great fan of DC Comics, between the ages of eight and eleven (I always thought Marvel heroes were rubbish), but I’ll admit I haven’t glanced at one for decades. A quick check online has revealed that most of my old favourites now resemble “friends of Dorothy” fantasies, bulging out of their leotards and looking as butch as a pit-bull (but prettier): let’s face it, the old Justice League of America line up in their current incarnations would look like a Village People revival act (apart from Wonder Woman, who may, of course, be revealed to be a tranny).
It can’t be Batman, because one shudders to think of the interpretations that might be placed on Bruce Wayne’s long-term “relationship” with under-age “ward”, Robin (about which there’s been a lot of unpleasant whispering over the years).
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| Flash aka Barry Allen |
And it can’t be the Man of Steel, because it makes a nonsense of Clark Kent lusting after Lois Lane (not to mention rival, Lana Lang) for over 70 years. To discover now that Superman had all the while been dreaming of whisking cute, freckled cub reporter Jimmy Olsen away to the Fortress of Solitude for a bit of how's-your-father would be traumatic for me and millions of other current and erstwhile fans.
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| Flash, aka Jay Garrick |
The Flash (aka The Scarlet Speedster, aka Barry Allen) might be a candidate for outing, given that he’s the coolest of all superheroes, in a hip, urban, chillaxing, West Coast sort of way (he used to bear a strong resemblance to Steve McQueen in
Bullitt) – but there’s something so pronouncedly gay about the costume worn by his 1940s predecessor, Jay Garrick (
dig those bootees!), that it would have to be him – and he’s long gone.
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| Green Lantern |
As for Wonder Woman, well, hell, those of us who used to guiltily ogle the splendidly-constructed Lynda Carter when she played the Amazonian whip-lady on TV back in the ‘70s would be outraged!
They could pick Aquaman – I could never be bothered with him, and he must have come across a lot of seamen in his line of work. But I suspect they might go with Green Lantern. After all, he has one hell of a six-pack – and his ring is the most powerful weapon in the universe (I expect he spends quite a bit of time polishing it).
But I'd probably put a bet on another masked superhero - Green Arrow.
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| Hmm |
I mean,
really!
It's not just comic book superheroes. I always had doubts about Bicycle Repair Man myself. He just seemed that little bit too confident in the way he handled his pump. As for the Four Just Men, well the title makes it clear they were only just men. Three Men in a Boat? A bit dodgy. Sailors probably. The Third Man? God. Isn't two enough? Obviously a precursor to the sorts of things that used to go on at Studio 54.
ReplyDeleteYou've done a public service in exposing this torrential hurricane of unpleasantness.