Thursday 29 March 2012

The Titanic is really getting on my wick



I suspect we all harbour a desire to go back in time and alter the course of history. Killing Hitler in the 1930s is a popular one. I rather fancy the thought of Lenin meeting with a nasty accident on his way back to Russia in 1917. I’m sure many Americans fantasise about averting Abraham Lincoln’s assassination, or even JFK’s. I’m beginning to wish I could go back in time and send a telegram to the captain of the Titanic – “HUMUNGOUS ICEBERG AHEAD – ALTER COURSE NOW, NUMBNUTS, OR WE’RE GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS WHANGING ON ABOUT YOUR SODDING BOAT!”

Whatever direction you head in these days, you’re in danger of colliding with the Titanic. It’s everywhere: TV, radio, newspapers, museums… you name it! There’s an advert in this morning’s paper for Titanic Belfast, an exhibition housed in a building shaped like the ship: “…inside, the state-of-the-art exhibits make you think you’re part of the maiden voyage. Don’t panic. You aren’t.” Very tasteful.

I’ve been half-wondering why someone doesn’t bring out a really expensive new brand of enormous cigarettes called Titanic – “Enjoy the ultimate in smoking luxury for a bit – then die!” (The slogan might obviate the need for a government health warning on the pack.)

It’s the centenary of the sinking, and I wouldn’t begrudge some interest in the event every twenty five years or so – but it has become a ludicrously OTT media obsession. For instance, I could see the point of interviewing survivors, and there may have been an excuse for interviewing the relatives of those who died – as long as those relatives were actually alive in 1912. But the descendants of the relatives of those who died or – even more pointless – the relatives of those who merely survived?

What have they got to do with anything?

Good Lord, there was even a story the other day about the descendants of passengers complaining that when articles are retrieved from the wreck, they’re to be sold as a job lot rather than split up and handed over to them. Maybe I should turn up at the Jorvik Viking Centre, inform them that I’m a descendant of Nogbad the Bad or Harald Hardfarter or whoever, burst into tears, and demand they hand over a helmet or two so I can achieve closure.

When we visited the National Archives at Kew this week, the Titanic was everywhere. There was even a display containing copies of the Titanic Newsletter, which you can sign up to online. (I should have thought “A big boat sank in 1912 – quite a lot of people died” would just about cover it, actually.)

Okay, I’ll admit that my interest in the Titanic peaked while watching A Night to Remember on TV circa 1962. Since then I have managed never to read a single newspaper item about it, let alone a book, or watched a TV programme on the subject, or sat through a TV or radio news item without picking up a paper or magazine to divert my attention, or watched a film about it all the way through. The 20 minutes I caught of James Cameron’s movie were more than enough to confirm that it was a spectacular stinker. In fact, any drama in which it’s announced that someone is about to sail on the Titanic, or has died on the Titanic, or has survived the sinking of the Titanic annoys the hell out of me.

When, the other night, I caught a glimpse of the new ITV production, Titanic, I had to stifle a cry of panic. I feel as if I’m drowning in a flood of crud about that ruddy ship.

I need rescuing – fast!

1915 marks the centenary of the sinking of the Lusitania, which has always struck me as a far more interesting and significant event, because the sinking was deliberate. Unfortunately, for reasons that escape me, what happened to the Lusitania has rarely piqued the interest of film-makers. I was fascinated to find an animated film about it made in 1918 (you can see it here). The BBC showed a 90-minute docudrama about the event in 2007, which appeared to suggest that Winston Churchill was the captain of the U-boat which torpedoed the vessel. Or something. The whole thing’s available on YouTube, but I won’t link to it, because it’s a disgrace.

Given that a proper Hollywood Titanic-style blockbuster  would no doubt conclude that it was all somehow America’s fault, the best we can hope for is a cheap but intelligent BBC 4 dramatisation of the Board of Trade inquiry which took place a few months after the outrage. I’d happily settle for that - if the makers promised not to mention the RMS Titanic.

4 comments:

  1. M. Moore, Hollywood29 March 2012 at 14:49

    Of course it was all a plot. Everyone knows that the CIA had been experimenting for years with the creation of gigantic artificial icebergs containing state of the art comms intercept equipment. The path of the Titanic was deliberately diverted by British Fascists to destroy the iceberg with the so-called unsinkable ship, for the sole purpose of rendering German maritime communications unbreakable in the forthcoming two world wars, which were even then being meticulously planned by the worldwide industrial military conspiracy, the Masons and Opus Dei. What is more it was all revealed in the personal diaries of King George V. Why else do you imagine that they are kept in a secure, guarded vault in the Bank of England, sealed for 500 years. I intend to reveal all this and more in my film Fahrenheit Titanic, which calls for a full public enquiry with the power to call witnesses. It's time to rip off the Nijab of secrecy from the Burka which covers the face of British aristocratic and imperialist complacency.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well said.

    In cinematic terms, the other great bore is the Gunfight at the OK Corral. How many times has that been filmed? And why?

    The Titanic went down with 1515 souls. In 1915, the Lusitania went down with with 1198 souls [German torpedo]. In June 1940 the Lancastria went down with 5,000 -7,000 souls [German torpedo]. In January 1945 the Wilhelm Gustloff went down with another 5,000 souls [Soviet torpedo]. And then there are the Estonia and Herald of Free Enterprise disasters [852 and 193 souls]. I guess these disasters are not sexy enough for the film industry.

    A very old "Titanic" joke. Drunk standing at the bar about to take a sip of Scotch when the ice-berg crashes through the bulk-head. "I know I ordered a lot of ice, but this is ridiculous."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, Mike - we've all been wondering which aspect of Western imperialism your next film would be a searing indiuctment of. I think you should go to the former home of the Titanic's captain, ring the bell a lot, and accuse him of hiding from you.

    Yes, SDG - I notice Hollywood shies away from covering the Gunfight at the Gayboy Corral.

    13 major Gunfight at the OK Corral movies and numerous other lesser ones. God knows how mant there would have been if Western hadn't died the death at the box office.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I detect an anti-"Western" sentiment in the previous post.Just remember that without this category of film Hollywood would not have taken off in the way that it did.

    ReplyDelete