I try not to delight in the misfortune of others (well, not more than three or four times a day), but Chris Huhne is evidently such an unmitigated shit, and his energy policies are doing such untold damage to this country, that it would have required a better man than I not to roar with approval on hearing that this utter blister has been forced to resign from the Cabinet. I will spend the rest of the day walking with the extra spring in one’s step that betokens cheefulness.Cheerfulness is my favourite upbeat emotional state. Happiness and contentment are difficult to recognise and slightly dangerous, because the obverse states – being unhappy or discontented – are awful. Besides, the moment you say "I'm really happy", your subconscious will start looking for reasons not to be. Joy's good, of course, but tends to be short-lived because of its very intensity. Cheerfulness is less complex: you can’t help knowing when you’re cheerful, recognising you are doesn't alter the fact, and merely not being cheerful isn’t that hard to take.
Like most of us, I’m prone to bouts of free-floating cheerfulness, but, just as often, something happens which allows one’s cheerfulness to surface. Here are some of my own, very personal, reasons to be cheerful (Part One):
1. Some deeply unpleasant turd getting their comeuppance (see above)
2. Completing a financial task – any financial task – without having screwed anything up
3. Your car passing its MOT without a glitch
4. Remembering there’s a really good programme to watch that night on television
5. Hearing a friend has recovered from a serious illness
6. A shop assistant, receptionist or call-centre operative being unwontedly helpful and pleasant
7. Reading a great poem or novel by someone you hadn’t previously heard of, and realising there's lots more of their stuff to enjoy
8. Admitting you’re never going to get through some damn great thick slab of a stunningly dull tome – and turning with relief to a book you know you’ll enjoy
9. Completing the recording of a new song and thinking “that’s really not bad!”
10. Being around family members when they’re absorbed in something they love doing and are really good at – it creates a sort of hum of rightness
11. Hearing that an event you really didn’t want to attend has been cancelled
12. Watching annoying neighbours fill up their car with lots of luggage for a long holiday
13. Waking up to bright sunshine on a freezing cold day
14. Realising you haven’t been aware of doing the ironing for the past half hour because of a rivetting drama on Radio 4 Extra
15. Watching a favourite sportsman on top form doing what only they can do
16. Hearing that the tube system or the M4 has ground to a halt on a day you don’t have to go anywhere
17. Finding out that the boiler/freezer/dishwasher that stopped working can be fixed for under £100
18. Watching the insane joy of dogs at play
19. Turning up somewhere and realising that people are genuinely pleased to see you
20. Discovering that definitive evidence proves that something you’ve believed for years is incontestably true
21. Hearing that some repellent criminal has had their appeal turned down or their sentence increased
22. Realising that there are no workmen operating within hearing distance of your house
23. Opening a letter from the Inland Revenue to discover that it’s just pointless bumf rather than something scary
24. Discovering that the deadline for completing some horrible task is a month further off than you’d thought (or, even better, that it doesn't need to be done at all!)
25. Someone complimenting your offspring – and knowing they deserve it
26. Discovering your partner actually doesn’t want to attend an event you were only going to go to because you thought they were keen
27. Realising there aren’t any distracting children anywhere near you in church, so you might be able to concentrate on the service
28. Reaching the destination you’ve driven to precisely on time
29. Waking up to a day entirely bereft of necessary tasks
30. Finding that switching your computer on and off has cured the problem
There are, of course, hundreds of other reasons to be cheerful, but I'm feeling cheerful enough already, so I'll stop there.
Of course, reading or hearing anything genuinely funny is the surest route to cheerfulness. With that in mind, I’ll end on James Delingpole’s list of the people who will be delighted to get rid of Chris Huhne from the Cabinet:
David Cameron
Everyone in the Cabinet, even including Michael Gove who likes – and is liked by – almost everybody in Parliament.
Everyone in the Conservative party
Everyone in the Labour party
Everyone in UKIP
Pretty much everyone in the Lib Dems.
His ex-wife.
Every newspaper including the Daily Mirror – which really ought to like him given how pathologically left-wing he is but has happily made an exception owing to the man's unremitting, weapons-grade vileness.
Everyone who was at Westminster with him. (In his Chris Paul-Huhne days.)
Everyone who ever worked with him at the Guardian, the Independent, the Economist and the Liverpool Echo.
Everyone who lives anywhere near one of his wretched ruddy wind farms (with the possible exception of rent-seeking beneficiaries thereof, such as Sir Reginald Sheffield Bt).
Everyone whose electricity bills – ie all of us – have been artificially inflated by his pointless green tariffs
Everyone who worked with him when he was an MEP
Everyone who worked with him at Fitch
Everyone who knew him at Oxford or the Sorbonne.
Pretty much everyone else we haven't mentioned already.
Presumably because of an excess of cheerfulness – as determined by the International Cheerfulness Organisation – the Telegraph has had to close comments on Mr Delingpole's post.
ReplyDeleteAs predicted on Andrew Neil's The Week last night – which culminated with the surreal vision of Ruby Wax dancing while Alastair Campbell played the bagpipes – Mr Huhne has been replaced by Ed Davey.
Who?
All is revealed here.