Sunday, 11 December 2011

"Oi, Clegg! Get yer knickers on and make us a cup of tea!"

As a reward for his courageous display of loyalty to his partners in the coalition government, Nick Clegg has been allowed today to announce the introduction of a new bill to stop spouses behaving in a controlling manner towards their partners.

“Obviously the whole panoply of laws covering physical assault don’t have sufficient teeth to stop men from being jolly horrible to the Missus (or women being nasty to Hubby). From now on, any question or comment posed by a female which meets with a moody silence or a grunt or the phrase, “Whatever you say, dear” or, much worse, “Oh, for God’s sake, give it a rest!” - and I know this is happening up and down the length and breadth of the country, because it's what my wife says to me all the time - will result in the whole weight of the law crashing down on the head of the wrongdoer. Britain’s women (and men - when it comes to victimhood, we believe in absolute equality) have suffered this sort of vile treatment for far too long and I and my Liberal Democrat colleagues are determined to stamp out the curse of spousal taciturnity. It is a cancer. Unless, of course, Muslims behave in this way, in which case we’ll look the other way because it is a part of their culture, and we don’t wish to impose our silly, snobbish, culturally imperialistic Western values on people just because they happen to live here. Or the 'perp' is underprivileged - after all, nothing is ever their fault.”

A number of other activities will be covered by the new law, including snapping at your spouse when they gets the directions wrong when you’re driving and they're (mis)reading the map; hogging the TV remote control; showing signs of irritability when your partner crashes the computer for the tenth time this week; taking more than 50% of the duvet; and sighing loudly when you discover a new series of Downton Bloody Abbey is about to start that evening.

Over the next few weeks, the Liberal Democrat leader will be announcing a whole host of other new laws designed to give the British people the impression that he actually has some work to do other than publicly stabbing his coalition partners in the back at every opportunity. These include the following vital measures:

Law against turning the dessert spoon upside down as you remove it from your mouth – “It’s a frightfully plebeian habit,” said Mr. Clegg at this morning’s press conference, “and one that middle class Liberal Democrat activists throughout Britain (and all Lib-Dems are middle class) are demanding that we put a stop to. It is a cancer. We’ll also be seeking to ban the obscene practice of licking the underside of the foil lids of puddings sold in plastic tubs after they’ve been removed. We’re going to force manufacturers to coat their lids with a pungent emetic to help vulnerable consumers break this terrible, life-destroying addiction.”

Law to make lowering the toilet seat and lid after use compulsory - “And we’re thinking of forcing toilet manufacturers to add a device which squirts air-freshener into the atmosphere after every flush. When the air-freshener runs out, this will be automatically detected and the toilet seat will be locked in the ‘down’ position, rendering it unusable until more freshener – preferably lemon or bluebell scented – has been added. It is a cancer.”

Law to make it compulsory to praise other people’s babies when asked for an opinion (the so-called “Baby-Goggles" Law) - “It’s horrifying to think of how many lives have been ruined by cruel remarks made by people seeing an acquaintance’s baby for the first time – ‘Crikey, has the zoo noticed it’s missing?’, ‘It looks like Winston Churchill does – right now!’, ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll blossom’ and ‘Are you certain it’s normal?’ are just a few of the dreadful comments reported by Liberal Democrat activists up and down the length and breadth of this country. From now on, it is the official policy of my party that all babies are equally beautiful and intelligent – and, if they are from an underprivileged background, they will legally remain so throughout their lives. I am passionate about equality, and I didn’t come into politics not to take every opportunity to introduce ridiculous legislation covering activities already covered by existing laws, but which the police and the courts are too lazy or too spineless to enforce.”

Mr. Clegg added that he was thinking of extending the Baby Goggles Law to cover comments about people’s pets, new kitchens, carpets, choice of wallpaper, clothes, musical taste, lisps, cross-eyes and the inability to pronounce one’s “r”s.

In a surprise move, the Deputy Prime Minister also announced emergency legislation making it a punishable offence to suggest in any way that he is a useless, treacherous, craven, cowardly, disloyal, vacillating waste of space whose only achievement is guaranteeing that his ridiculous pimple of a party will poll less than 10% of the popular vote at the next election, thereby ensuring that no Liberal Democrat will ever again be allowed to exercise any meaningful power over our lives at national - and quite possibly local - level for at least another century.


  1. Don't worry about Clegg. I confidently predict that within twelve months or so he will be appearing on "Strictly Come Dancing" following in the footsteps of Widdicombe and Major's ex-"squeeze" [her name has gone]; or perhaps his former Estonian colleague will get him on the coach so he can re-discover his beloved Europe?

  2. I have just read in the Spectator's "Portrait of the Week" that the frozen cadaver of an Estonian has been found in a cardboard box in Dublin.

  3. I was amused to see from a photo of him in casual garb (in Sheffield at the weekend, one presumes, that Clegg's neat blue suit is hiding a burgeoning gut. I get this picture of him sitting in his lonely kitchen in the early hours, staring into space, stuffing his face with Mars Bars as tears of panic and self-pity course down his expanding cheeks. All very Alan Partidge. He'll probably end up hosting a TV series called "Crash! Bang! Wallop!" Or running the BBC Trust.

  4. No such luck. The Radio Times reveals that Lembit Opek appeared last night on "Celebrity Eggheads" [thank you BBC2]. He has now been re-assigned the title Reality TV Star and is no longer ex-Liberal Democrat MP.I know I am boringly obsessed with this person, but he is the walking definition of the Lib Dems. You mark my words. He will be back in Westminster. The Great Electorate love a TV star and he knows it. It just takes an election like last night with a 29% turn-out to throw up a freak result.

  5. Back in the days when Steve Martin was a genuinely funny stand-up comedian, he used to do a great bit about an imaginary panel show called "Celebrity Assholes". As all the channel commissioners have an average age of about 14, they won't have seen it, so maybe I should work up a treatment and try to sell it to them - with Dimwit Nosepick as the presenter.

    Because politicians get used to having their constituency associations, local dignitaries and the media dutifully laughing at their lame jokes, many of them end up imaging they're David Brent-style "entertainers". Following the expenses scandal, I imagines they'd all got over this delusion - but Opick appears not to have.

    I can assure you that anybody who suffers the abject humiliation of being dumped by a Cheeky Girl has effectively rendered themselves unelectable. Relax.