Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The letter Cameron should have sent to Tory voters before the last election

Dear Fellow-Conservative,

The General Election of 2010 is fast approaching. It’s obvious to most people in Britain that there’s a desperate need for change. The country simply can’t take another five years of Labour’s disastrous policies – of punishing the thrifty and the hardworking, of kowtowing to Europe, of failing to punish criminals, of hobbling businesses with endless rules and regulations, of destroying an education system that was once the best in the world.

I’m sure you feel - as I and all my colleagues in the Shadow Cabinet feel - that it’s time to get our country back on the right track. And here’s how we’re going to do it:

We’re going to fail to win the election outright, so you’ll find yourselves being governed by the Lib-Dems, even after their share of the popular vote had dropped below 8%.

We will appoint a Lib-Dem Business Secretary who hates business, and who will do absolutely nothing to cut the red tape we’re always telling you is the real problem.

Although the majority of you realise that the whole Man-Made Climate Change argument is a pile of tendentious crap, we will appoint a particularly nasty and fanatical Lib-Dem as Energy Secretary, who’ll pursue ruinously expensive policies to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. As a result your energy bills will go through the roof – along with a lot of the energy you’re paying over the odds for. When you complain about this, we’ll pretend it has nothing to do with our carbon emissions policies – but will tell you it’s your fault for not spending every waking hour tracking down better deals amongst the 400 bewilderingly different and deliberately opaque tariffs which will be available to you. 

Meanwhile, we won’t be building any more nuclear power stations and when massive shale gas deposits are discovered in Lancashire – a real windfall – we’ll ignore them, because, you see, that isn’t renewable energy, and that doesn't give liberals like Chris Huhne and I a nice warm, glowy feeling inside.  As a result, this country will start running out of electricity in about ten years, so you won't be feeling a nice, warm, glowy feeling outside. But I’ll be off by then, so that’s okay.

Our current economic mess was caused by stupid, greedy bankers lending far too much money to people who didn’t have a hope in hell of ever paying it back. So we’re going to go on rewarding people who borrow money, while at the same time punishing those traditional Tory voters who’ve worked hard and scrimped  all their lives in order to save it. Yes, we’re going to reduce the interest payments on government debt by deliberately increasing inflation. We’ll do this by continuing to print money. This means that those in the public sector, whose wage increases are pegged to inflation, will benefit. Those of you in the private sector - especially those of you dumb enough to put a bit by for your old age - will find its value plummeting year on year. Eventually, you’ll begin to wonder whether it was worth making those sacrifices in the first place. (In case you're in any doubt, the answer is a resounding"No!".) And, by keeping official interest rates just above zero, we’ll make absolutely sure that you can’t beat inflation by shifting your dwindling cash reserves to a different account.

I’m sure you’ll agree this all makes sense.

As for that referendum on the Lisbon Treaty – forget it. When the Eurozone starts to go tits up we promise that – even though we aren’t part of it – we’ll make sure this country has to pay an absolute fortune to keep bone-idle foreigners solvent. As good Tories, I know you wouldn’t want it any other way.  

As for all those horrid criminals being released early, and as for Europe making it impossible for us to deport killers, drug dealers and rapists – well, we’ll soon put a stop to that! We pledge to appoint a soppingly wet liberal Justice Secretary who believes there be should be fewer criminals in prison, and who's convinced it’s the duty of every Briton to do whatever a bunch of unelected twats in Europe orders them to do!

As for the rampant dumbing down of the education system that we were once so rightly proud of – we’ll make sure that continues by trebling tuition fees for private school pupils who achieve decent A level results, while bribing universities to accept anyone, no matter how dreadful their exam results, as long as they don’t have a posh accent and their parents didn’t make any sort of sacrifice to send them to a decent school where they might have been in danger of learning something. That’s the traditional Tory way.

So, now you know what’s on offer, I’m sure you’ll be eager to get our there and help sell our message on the doorstep.

And that message is: Vote UKIP!

All the best,

Dave xxx

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