Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Could Tristram Crap be the first British Men’s Wimbledon winner since 1123?

Selections from the BBC radio commentary on the first round Wimbledon match between the wild card entrant, British No. 3, Tristram “First Round” Crap (world ranking: 17,238) and Rafael Nadal (world ranking: 1).

Presenter: “So, as they knock up, let’s look at Crap’s record. The Lawn Tennis Association earmarked him for their elite, fast-track ‘Futurestars’ programme 18 years ago, when he was seven. The LTA has spent some five and a half million pounds developing him since then, including paying for a year’s stay at Nick Bollettieri’s Las Vegas tennis academy, which resulted in a real breakthrough – by the time he left, Tristram had learnt to hold his racket at the right end. After spending the next year being intensively coached in Spain, his shorts stopped falling down every time he served.

“In an unfortunate incident at his first Junior Wimbledon when he was 15, Crap was beaten ahead of his first round match by a ball girl he’d asked to lob him a few balls before his official opponent turned up. Despite the fact she didn’t have a racket, she slaughtered him. The following year, Tristram’s shorts fell down as he was walking onto court, and he tripped over and sprained his nipples. This kept him out of tennis for six months. In his final appearance at the tournament the following year, Tristram withdrew during the match when a stiff breeze threatened to ruin his hair-style. In a tearful interview afterwards Crap said, ‘I guess this just isn’t my tournament.’ Unfortunately, the same has proved true of every tournament Tristram has ever ‘competed’ in.

“In an attempt to help Tristram ‘get the winning habit’, the LTA entered him in the Blind Tennis Tournament in Monte Carlo (in reality the Monte Carlo Club in Droitwich, but, well, you know…). Unfortunately this coincided with the return of an old problem, when he reverted to holding the racket the wrong way round. He lost to an eight year-old in the first round (6-0, 6-0). Afterwards, he blamed his loss of form on someone in the crowd looking at him ‘in, like, a really threatening way, yeah?’ 

“Last year, the LTA threatened to remove Crap’s support, but reconsidered their decision after he claimed not wearing it would make him walk funny. His mother complained to the press: “It’s not Tristram’s fault he’s totally useless. It’s the weight of unreasonable expectation from the press and the public. They need to understand what it’s like to be showered with money for doing something you’re no good at. Besides, he’s been in twelve tournaments this year, and he’s won three. That’s a record anyone should be proud of.” (Mrs Crap later clarified her remarks by admitting that her son had actually won a total of three points rather than three tournaments. They all resulted from bored opponents double-faulting.)

“Asked why the LTA has gone on funding Crap’s career for 17 years despite his complete lack of achievement, their Player Development Director, Jack Prozac, denied that their faith in the man they call ‘First Round’ (and ‘That Wanker’) had been misplaced. ‘If you think Tristram’s bad, you should see the rest of the losers I have to waste Wimbledon profits on! They make Tristram look like Federer and Djokovic combined!’

“As for Nadal, well, we know all about him – he’s Spanish and he wins stuff. So, as the match is about to start, I’ll hand you over to our commentators, Andrew Castle and John Lloyd.

Castle: “So, Tristram won the toss, which bodes well for British prospects. As does the fact that his trousers stayed up throughout the knock-up. John, could we be looking at the first Briton to win Wimbledon since Baron Fred de Perrée in 1123?”

Lloyd: “No.” 

Castle: “Tristram gets ready to deliver his trademark under-arm serve. He’s been criticised for it, certainly – but it’s definitely deceptive, mainly because it sometimes looks like it’s actually going to get over the net.Game on! He serves and…well, that’s just unlucky.”

Lloyd: “That’s really unfair. Poor Tristram. Looks like the ball skidded off his racket and landed on his foot. No wonder he’s writhing around on the ground, screaming in agony. They’re bringing a stretcher. And that very much looks like the end of yet another unsuccessful Wimbledon campaign for Tristram ‘First Round’ Crap…”


  1. Your post reminded me about "Buster" Mottram. Was he not educated at KCS? Or was he a member of some fascist organisation? I get confused.
    Thursday, June 23, 2011 - 09:39 AM

  2. Buster Mottram – who managed to get to No. 15 in the world rankings - was indeed at KCS. And, yes, he was a supporter of the National Front. He tried to become a Conservative candidate five times. He was expelled from UKIP as recently as 2008 for trying to broker an electoral pact with the BNP (BNP to fight seats in the North, UKIP in the South) – BNP fancied it, apparently, but Nigel Farage, sensibly, went tonto when the idea was mooted. If only Mottram’s extremist views had been left wing – SWP, for instance – he would probably have been lionized as an interesting character by the media, and would have ended up as a Labour MP with a bit of a wayward past. Funny – he seemed such a nice young chap at the time!
    Sunday, June 26, 2011 - 05:27 PM