Like any heterosexual, middle-aged, right-wing male, I have admired Joanna Lumley for many decades. She is physically stunning, her voice has a breathy quality that makes the hearer feel… well, fondled. She is Received Pronunciation personified, i.e. she talks proper, which is probably a turn-off in these egalitarian times, but which is more than fine by me.
She kicks the daylights out of every silly little Labour politician who crosses her path. She has battled like a tigress for the rights of the courageous Gurkhas who have fought gloriously alongside Britons for a century and a half, and for whom this country feels enormous affection, respect and gratitude. And her brisk, upbeat, no-nonsense common sense pronouncements would suggest that, whichever way she votes, she is conservative to the bone.
She kicks the daylights out of every silly little Labour politician who crosses her path. She has battled like a tigress for the rights of the courageous Gurkhas who have fought gloriously alongside Britons for a century and a half, and for whom this country feels enormous affection, respect and gratitude. And her brisk, upbeat, no-nonsense common sense pronouncements would suggest that, whichever way she votes, she is conservative to the bone.
Yesterday, in an interview in Saga Magazine, she blamed the decline of the British Empire for rising levels of violence amongst young people: “In the old days, because of empire, our young men were always going out to do something. And now they’re not. And now we’ve got those same boiling boys and we expect them to sit and watch X-Factor. Are we mad?”
There’s plenty more of this stirring stuff.
Many years ago, Ms. Lumley wrote a column for The Times and was a Booker judge, both of which caused Jeffrey Bernard to attack her relentlessly in hisSpectator “Low Life” column. I could never understand what his problem was – maybe he was too befuddled by vodka to see that she was in fact an interesting writer as well as being, in general, a Very Good Thing. (Once dating Rod Stewart represents a rare fall from grace).
Anyway, if Lord Snooty fails to oust the OESC (figure it out for yourselves) on 6th May, it behooves the greasy old eminences of the Tory Party to hotfoot it to Chez Lumley, get down on their knees (steady!) and beg the SGLE (Second Greatest Living Englishwoman) to become their leader. She wouldn’t accept of course, but my God it wouldn’t half be heart-warming to see her sending old misery-guts howling over the edge with a few well-aimed blows to the groin.
Gawd Bless ‘Er!
Now, from the sublime to the ridiculous: Gerald Kaufman. (And, yes, I do realize that the very mention of his name tends to have the same effect on many people as the Norovirus.) Well, Kaufman has accused the Tories of being funded by Jews. “Just as Lord Ashcroft owns most of the Conservative Party, right-wing Jewish millionaires own the rest”. (Another Labour MP, Martin Linton, chair of Labour Friends of Palestine, told a meeting at the House of Commons that, “There are long tentacles of Israel in this country who are funding election campaigns…” – but let’s leave this deranged “Zionist conspiracy” theorist parked in the sidings - it’s Kaufman I want to zero in on.)
Kaufman, let us not forget, after years spent zealously attacking the BBC for extravagantly wasting license-payers’ money, tried to get the tax-payer to stump up £8,865 for a Bang & Olufsen Beovision 40” LCD TV set for his personal use.
So, let’s get this straight: a Labour MP who did his very best to smear the BBC as a greedy, big-spending organization living high on the hog off the backs of hard-working Britons, expected the taxpayer to pay nearly nine thousand pounds so he could enjoy one of the most expensive television sets in the world. By the way, he also expected us to pay £250 for a Viceroy Barley pen. My money! Your money! £250. For a bloody pen! Not forgetting £220 for a pair of Waterford Crystal grapefruit bowls. (You’d need to eat one hell of a lot of grapefruit to justify that sort of expenditure. Mind you, if you’re not paying for it, why not?)
Afterwards, according to the Independent, Kaufman blamed a self-diagnosed “obsessive compulsive disorder” for his behaviour. Oh, I see – you were mentally ill! Would you like us to pay for the years of therapy to help you battle the compulsion to make extravagant and wholly unjustified claims on our taxes?
And while your therapist listens to your tale of woe. Gerry – about how your appalling behaviour was no doubt caused by the delusion that everyone thinks you’re a revolting, greedy, hypocritical little creep – perhaps it will dawn on you that your irrational hatred of the BBC and Israel stem from the same “obsessive compulsive disorder”.
Failing that, maybe – along with many of your parliamentary colleagues - you should consider the traditional, albeit currently unfashionable, response of those caught doing something dishonourable while their salaries are being funded from the public purse: namely, crawl off in shame, and keep your mouth shut.
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