Saturday, 12 December 2015

Aided by So.Much.Guardian, I have decided to become an agony aunt for Guardian writers

My favourite Twitter feed at the moment is So.Much.Guardian, which, by publishing the newspaper's online article headings, allows you to "read" the paper without actually having to read it, or to visit its website - the headline and the sub-heading tell you everything you need to know about the article that follows. (I've already celebrated this wonderful site, here.) In Two Cultures? The Significance of C.P. Snow (1962), F.R. Leavis wondered whether Snow's novels were created by feeding chapter headings into a computer: I've often suspected The Guardian of doing something similar:

As the lawyer played by Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar shouts at one of his sleazebucket clients who asks for his advice after being arrested yet again: "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!"

Stop reading your emails?

Perhaps the civil service shouldn't hire so many black and minority ethnic, disabled and older staff. It isn't a job creation scheme (well, it is, but you know what I mean.)

Contact the police, obviously.

I suggest you secure a better-paid job, R.L. Stephens II. 

Because Paris is a lot nearer, we share a lot of history, and most of us have been there? Apart from that, you're right - it's a puzzle.

Plus, of course, the worry that you might suffer the indignity of being blown out of the sky by someone who worships the same deity as you.

I think we probably already knew that.

That, and just another brand of, you know, Deathophobia.

Says the newspaper group which lost over £19m last year.

Yes, I've always found my incredible good looks a drawback.

Sad? I'd be devastated!

And, of course, doing so might give Jeremy Corbyn a boost in the polls.

We so can't wait to hear!

Thank you for that message from the Planet Zog.

Why is this even a problem? Are hordes of common, black women desperate to get into publishing? And would the people who buy books want to buy the books they'd want to publish?

If students aren't babies who can't handle life, why do they need trigger warnings?

Print them out or put them on a memory-stick. Sorted!


Nope. Next!

There, in one neat package, you have the Guardian worldview - Britain "deserves" a vicious, murdering bully as its national bird.

Go away.

I thought it already was! After all, it's run by a bunch of... well, you know.

The excellent So.Much.Guardian Twitter feed is available here.


  1. I know that the Guardian is written by illiterates but 'For those who fly while Muslim' - what does that mean? I tend to board a plane as, rather than while, a member of the Church of England and land in the same state. It's not a condition at the mercy of events, such as, for example, being constipated, or subject to the convenience of choice, such as being drunk.

    I find it insulting to Muslims or indeed those of other faiths to imply that their religion is something that might be switched off for the entirety of a plane journey in order to avoid additional aviation-related inconvenience. As a result, and with a reluctance that I am sure you can imagine, I have decided to boycott the Guardian until further notice.

    1. You can only be one thing at a time. If you are a Muslim, or gay, or a woman, or a Tory, you belong to that group 24/7, whether you want to be seen that way or not. Obviously, the Guardian will decide what you - as a member of the relevant group - think and feel about anything, so there's no point in being a pro-Western, reforming, liberal Muslim or an anti-gay marriage gay, or a woman who'd prefer to stay at home and bring up her family, or a cuddly anti-war, One Nation Tory - as far as the Guardian is concerned, apostates of that sort simply don't exist (or, if they do, they really shouldn't).

      I realise that giving up the Guardian would be an almost unimaginable sacrifice, ex-KCS - but you can still keep up to date with what the enemy within is plotting for us by watching Newsnight on a regular basis (well, until it's totally screwed by the BBC extending the Ten O'Clock News by ten minutes).

  2. Patricia Crone's Ghost19 December 2015 at 04:11

    The "flying while Muslim" nonsense refers, of course, to the Prophet Mohammed's solo trip to Arab Heaven on a Flying Horse.

    The serious side of this pre - Islamic, Persian - derived mythology is that the Prophet began his flight from the Al Aqsa Mosque in what is now Jerusalem, so ergo that city is, politically, a non- negotiable part of the Middle East quagmire.