Friday, 27 March 2015

An utterly tasteless Twitter feed from "David Attenborough" which will make insensitive brutes laugh out loud

I keep trying to convince technophic readers that using Twitter doesn't mean you're inundated with messages from nonentities telling you what they've had for breakfast or that they're really puffed-out because they've just had to run for a bus or that they hope Katie Hopkins dies in agony because she's so horrible. There's tons of that stuff, of course, but the beauty of Twitter is that, apart from the occasional annoying advert, you don't have to receive tweets from anyone who doesn't interest you, you can check what sort of stuff people tweet before you "follow" them, and you can "unfollow" anyone who turns out to be boring or unpleasant with one click - I regularly change my roster.

Most of the feeds I've opted for are political: I've chosen the pick of right-wing, conservative and libertarian tweeters on both sides of the Atlantic (Guido Fawkes is both amusing and lightning-fast at posting breaking stories); a few sports stars and commentaors (Gary Lineker is genuinely witty); some political magazines (Standpoint, The Salisbury Review, The Spectator, The imaginative Conservative etc.); some professional loudmouths like Jeremy Clarkson and Katie Hopkins (who is laugh-out-loud funny much of the time); some straightforward news media sources (the BBC, obviously); a handful of picture sites (Classic Pics, History in Pictures, Brilliant Maps); and some straight comedy stuff.

My favourite comedy feed is from someone masquerading as Sir David Attenborough. His speciality is posting pictures of animals, who, he (it could only be a bloke) assures us will attack your private parts at the drop of a hat. It's extremely adolescent and smutty - in fact, it reminds me of Viz (which I also follow, naturally) at its juvenile best , and it rarely fails to make me howl. Along with Bad Record Covers and GalacticKeegan (more of which anon), it genuinely brightens up my day: there's something about jokes popping up unexpectedly which is far more rewarding than deliberately seeking them out on websites.

If you're on Twitter, just search for "David Attenborough" and it's the first feed you'll be offered, or go straight there by clicking here and join the man's 25,000 other followers.

I wonder what Sir David makes of it all. Perhaps he has decided not to hound his impersonator after reading the chap's Twitter profile:
During My 5 Decades Of Traveling The Planet I've Put Together A List Of Animals That Could Have A Man's Cock Off....I Am NOT David Attenborough This Is A PARODY
The Real David Is A Legend


  1. David Attenborough is my all-time, tip-top hero (along with Spike Milligan, Carole King and James Taylor in harmony, Caravaggio, Picasso, some of the Pre-Raphaelites, A P McCoy P G Wodehouse, Stephanie Flanders and her father and Donald Swan, Honor Blackman, John Steinbeck, Victor Borge, Clive James, Simon and Garfarkle, bits of Monty Python, all of Dad's Army, Rodin, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Douglas Adams, David Gower, .....and many, many more) and I am sure he will be most amused by the sparkling parody - marvellous.
    Actually, I think he may have presented me with a book at a school prize-giving in the early sixties. I think his brother, Dear, Dear, Darling Dickie Darling's son was a contemporary at King's.

    1. I had to look up A.P.McCoy, not being a horse-racing man. And I'd be interested to hear how Stephanie Flanders got onto the list, as she dated Ed Miliband and Ed Balls (though not at the same time), the thought of which tends to make my flesh creep. Nice to see a mention of Victor Borge - I used to know his "Caught in the Act" LP by heart. And for Clive James, whose TV reviews in the '70s were so splendid and who is very, very ill. Anyway, it's not my place to "mark" you choices - but I found your list fascinating.

      Like you, I'm pretty sure the old boy would find it funny. Now, if we could just persuade him to stop whanging on about Climate Change...

    2. Stephanie Flanders does have that unfortunate past in the two Eds but she is the new 'Thinking Man's Crumpet'.
      I should also add Frank Sinatra and that Harvard Maths prof who played the piano and wrote witty songs like Poisoning Pigeons in the Park whose name now escapes me.....aaaah, just got it: Tom Lehrer.
      and Douglas Adams.

    3. Unfortunately her taste in men seemed to encompass their deranged economic theories.

      The new official Thinking Man's Crumpet is undoubtedly Sky News political correspondent, Sophy Ridge:

    4. sorry - Sophy Ridge, I take issue. I am not a fan of the pelmet and curtains hair style.

    5. Don't worry - she changes her hairstyle every few months.

  2. First your blog told me that Joanna Lumley used to date Rod Stewart. Then it said that former MP and trough-feeder, the gorgeous Julie Kirkbride, was engaged to citrus fruit enthusiast Stephen Milligan. And now we have the allegation that Ms Flanders, an attractive and highly intelligent women, has been romantically involved with Miliband and Balls [whenever I see Yvette Cooper in the news - another attractive woman until she opens her mouth - I am reminded that she has to wake up with Balls every morning. Can you imagine? He has the glassy look of the permanently flatulent. Why would Ms Flanders even think about it?]. How impeccable are your sources on these matters of the heart?

    1. Well, you migh start with a 2013 article in The Independent headlined: "I did go out with BBC economics editor Stephanie Flanders, admits Ed Miliband... and so does Ed Balls", which can be found here:

      Or an article in The Telegraph, headlined: "Ed Miliband admits he and Ed Balls dated same journalist",here:

      As Ms Flanders didn't sue Miliband, I presume he was telling the truth.

      Of course, far be it from me to imply that Ms Flanders was a Labour supporter whose reporting for the BBC was politically biased in any way, shape or form, but this opening paragraph from a 2011 Telegraph article rather suggests otherwise:

      "'It has been mildly nauseating the last few days the way the Chancellor has sort of crowed here about how we are a safe haven and no one is worried about our commitment to cutting the deficit.' One would expect a Labour politician to say such a thing on Newsnight, but not Stephanie Flanders, its presenter, who is supposed to pay lip service, at least, to the BBC's obligation to be impartial."

      I apologise for quoting the phrase "lip service" in a discussion which includes a reference to Ms. Flanders dating Ed Balls. Can't be helped.