Monday, 3 June 2013

I don't wish to hear about Michael Douglas's penchant for oral sex life while I'm eating my breakfast

Look, the second last thing I want to hear about when half-way through my morning bowl of Golden Grahams is people talking about cancer: it’s like having your breakfast interrupted by the arrival of the Ghost of Christmas Future. But absolutely the last – I mean the very last - thing I want to hear while I’m tucking into my first cup of tea of the day is a bunch of "experts" talking about cancer and oral sex at the same time, especially when it involves a wrinkly old man I can put a face to. Yecchhh!

To be fair, the Today Programme did issue a warning before guests got their tongues wagging, but if you had kids in the room with you, you were probably running around getting them ready for school, and they’d undoubtedly have heard enough to provoke those awkward kid questions. All parents know that the little darlings unerringly zero in on anything they’re not meant to hear.

Some goofy female psychologist immediately assured us that Michael Douglas was being “incredibly brave” by publicly airing the fact that the throat cancer from which he has apparently recovered might have been caused by what the programme described as “giving oral sex”. Personally, I’d have preferred he kept that information to himself.

Hollywood stars displaying their bravery by telling the world they’ve had a double mastectomy or that they were once sex maniacs (or drug addicts or alcoholics) isn’t brave. Being brave is admitting to something that might lead to you being shunned by your peers, and the only thing guaranteed to get you ostracised in Hollywood is expressing a socially or economically conservative opinion. Hell, Roman Polanski drugged and sodomised a 13-year old girl in 1977, and his Pallywood chums have been falling over themselves for the last quarter century alternately heaping praise on the nasty little pervert and pleading with the authorities for leniency. Michael Douglas – already a self-identified “sex addict” - admitting to indulging in oral sex is about as daring as me admitting I used to be heavy smoker or that I eat too much. After all, barely any sex scene in a Hollywood movie (or, increasingly, on television) doesn’t involve fellatio or cunnilingus (mercifully just out of shot).

A movie star going on the record as not having had oral sex would be brave. They’d probably never work again.

Anyway, I now know more than I really wanted to about “barrier” contraception and HPV, and I never again want to hear people discussing penile cancer and genital warts before I’m fully awake. Doctors were on hand to dispense helpful advice along the lines of “always get yourself tested before you do anything involving bodily fluids” (and how are things on your planet, Doc?) and to assure us that they aren’t in the least bit fuddy-duddy about sex: “We certainly wouldn’t want to scare people off from enjoying themselves”.

Why not? The medical profession and a legion of "expert" hangers-on spend the whole time trying to scare the bejabers out of us about our eating, drinking, smoking and lack of exercise. Why is sex the only behavioural area where we’re not encouraged to practice self-restraint?

(By the way, in case my headline has occasioned any confusion, I don't mean that Michael Douglas enjoys oral sex while I'm eating my breakfast. He may very well do, but. if so, I'm unaware of it. Glad to clear that one up.)


  1. In Troilus and Cressida, Nestor utters the line:

    " Tell him from me
    I'll hide my silver beard in a gold beaver".

    In "La boheme" there is all that business about Marcello and Musetta "diving" into a basement shop to buy Mimi a muff because her "maninas" have gone all "gelida".

    Perhaps "The Son of the Viking" is a big fan of the Bard and Puccini?

    I eagerly await the next cringeworthy public pronouncement from some half-witted, current Hollywood nincompoop.

    1. I think it's time for you to cancel that Viz subscription, SDG.

  2. I have had to point out on at least one occasion your unfortunate choice of phrase: viz "fag packet" in your piece on same sex marriage. In the context of this latest post, "a wrinkly old man I can put a face to" and "a warning before guests got their tongues wagging" seem beyond infelicitous. Have you been spending too much time with Finbarr Saunders?

    1. To be fair, ex-KCS, I did replace the word "chap" with "man", realising that some of my dirty-minded readers might be tempted to go "Fnarr! Fnarr!", "Warf! Warf!", "Tsssk Tsssk", or "Chortle Chortle".

      The thought of Michael Douglas's "wrinkly old man" has made me feel distinctly unwell.

  3. 'Ere we go. Glenn Close now regrets making the film "Fatal Attraction" [co-incidentally starring one M. Douglas] because it feeds the stigma around mental illness ie not all violent acts are triggered by mental problems [?]. Actors, apparantly, have a "moral responsibilty" to explain the complexities of mental illness [??]. No, I don't really follow it either.

    Anyway, she has been off to the White House for a summit on the subject with Obama so I expect it will all get sorted. Thank you, Glenn, for taking such a close interest.

    1. I wonder if anyone has ever considered suggesting to Ms Close that the actor's job is to give the best performance they can manage and then to shut their silly mouths.

      I blame the communist infiltration of Hollywood in the 1930s for the bizarre belief prevalent among actors that they have anything to contribute other than their ability to act?