Tuesday, 21 May 2013

That Cameron email to Tory Party members - including the bits he deleted before hitting "send"

Dear Swivel-Eyed Loon,

After the news this weekend, I wanted to write a personal note to members of our Party (despite the fact that you’re all absolutely ghastly).

I’ve been a member of the Conservative Party for 25 years (it feels more like 125, thanks to you lot). Some time after I joined I became Chairman of my local branch and was one of the volunteers dedicated to getting Conservatives elected to the local council (what a bunch of small-time losers). Since then I have met thousands and thousands of party members (pray for my soul). We’ve pounded pavements together, canvassed together and sat in make-shift campaign headquarters together, from village halls to (nasty little) front rooms (with revolting furniture and disgusting wallpaper).

We have been together through good times and bad. This is more than a working relationship; it is a deep and lasting friendship (well, not really – obviously I don’t wish to hear about your dreary lives in Nowheresville, or have you round for dinner or anything like that, and, of course, it would be too embarrassing to introduce you to my real friends).

Ours is a companionship underpinned by what we believe: that everyone should be able to get on in life if they’re willing to work hard (and have the right parents and went to the right school and know the right people); that we look after those who cannot help themselves (i.e. the Lib Dems); that it’s family and community and country that matter (which is why we’re destroying the centuries-old concept of marriage, driving a ludicrously expensive and utterly unnecessary high speed rail-link through as many communities as possible, and are absolutely determined to remain within the EU, which has done so much to reduce our country to the status of an off-shore region of a left-wing superstate); that a dose of common sense is worth more than a ton of dry political theory (you remember common sense – like not forcing through gay marriage and not putting a rabid liberal like Ken Clarke in charge of the criminal justice system and not taking money away from our military and handing it to foreign countries in the vain hope that it will make them like us and not militating to get ourselves involved in civil wars in countries that have nothing to do with us and not peppering the countryside with ugly, useless and eye-wateringly expensice wind farms); that Britain is a great and proud nation that can be greater still (as long as I’m not in charge, of course).

Above all, we Conservatives believe you change things not by criticising from your armchair but by getting out and doing (i.e. by promoting policies you weren't consulted about and which you believe will actually harm Britain). Across the country, at charity events and voluntary organisations, you will find people from our Party quietly doing their bit (although I have no idea why). Time and again, Conservative activists like you stand for duty, decency and civic pride (in return for which I and my liberal metropolitan clique will insult you behind your backs, introduce legislation you don’t want, and block those things you believe the country desperately needs).

That’s why I am proud (i.e. expect it as my due) to lead this party. I am proud of what you do (which is why I have spent the last seven years violently dragging the party in the very direction you don’t want it to go and insulting you by introducing legislation that flies in the face of everything you believe in). And I would never have around me those who sneered or thought otherwise (well, not more than a few hundred of my jolly important chums who all think that way). We are a team, from the parish council to the local association to Parliament (in the way that Queen’s Park Rangers is a close-knit, successful team), and I never forget it (although, believe me, I try my hardest to).

Does that mean we will agree on everything? Of course not (mainly because I am a left-leaning social democrat and you are a Conservative). The Conservative Party has always been a broad church – one which contains different views and opinions – and we must remain so today (or else I wouldn’t have any support whatsoever within it).

But there is also much we must do together. We can shout from the roof-tops about how far we’ve already come (about 200 yards in three years). The deficit has been cut by a third (while the national debt continues to rocket upwards at an astronomic rate because I haven’t got the guts to stand up to the Lib Dems and get government spending under control). We’ve seen 1.25 million new jobs created in our private sector (despite our best efforts not to give the small and medium-sized businesses that our economy relies on any help whatsoever). 24 million working people have had their income tax cut (despite the fact we can ill afford it – still, I needed to buy off the Lib Dems and I’m told that plebs are just as keen on a free ride as my chums are).

And we can be clear about where we are going, too (i.e. nowhere). We are engaged in a great fight to rebalance our economy (by piling up more debt – still, our kids can pay that off: well, mine will be able to - they'll be loaded), to bring excellence back to our schools (thank God for Michael Gove – albeit he’s appallingly right-wing and I hear he even went to a state school!), to fix the welfare system (ditto IDS - swine!). And yes, we have a policy on Europe that is right for our country (if you think foreign socialists are better placed to run Britain that the politicians you elected). Amid all the debate, remember this: it is our Party that has committed to an in-out referendum on Europe by the end of 2017 (because my hand was forced by those UKIP stinkers - political parties full of Tories really do make me sick). Not Labour, not the Liberal Democrats, but the Conservatives who are committed to giving the British people their say (I say committed, but I’ve had some wildly expensive lawyer chappies word the bill so that there’s more chance of England winning the World Cup than of you actually voting on leaving the EU).

So to those reading this, here is my message: there will always be criticism from the sidelines (yes that’s right – a group comprising 76% of the electorate, practically the whole of the media and at least a third of my own MPs constitutes “the sidelines”). But we must remember what this Party has always been about: acting in the national interest (apart from the time Ted Heath was in charge – and, of course, now). Our task today is to clear up Labour’s mess and (make one of our own) make Britain stand tall again (look, I have no idea what I mean by this – maybe we should make that ‘be unthreateningly medium-sized again’ in case the phrase “standing tall” annoys Barroso or Van Rompuy, who’re both a tad vertically challenged).

We have a job to do for our country (although I haven’t a clue what that job is) – and we must do it together (i.e. it’s time for you oiks to buckle down and do what you’re bloody well told for a change – now, iron my copy of The Times, get a fire started, put the kettle on and start toasting the crumpets: then make yourself scarce – my dear friend Lord Feldman’s due here any minute, and he simply can’t abide proles).

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