Junk food, hard drugs and left-liberal beliefs - addictive because they provide instant gratification

I love junk food. Were it not for the civilising influence of my family I’d probably long since have expired from a diet of Big Macs, kebabs, pizza, KFC, Angel Delight, Almond Magnums, Lion Bars and every other form of calorific crack. As it is, I feel so guilty about eating any of these things that I only “score” from “the man” down on the High Street about once every couple of months.

P.J. O’Rourke reports that the one time he took crack cocaine, he felt so absolutely, immediately blissed out that he realised, instantly, that he must never, ever take it again, because he didn’t possess sufficient will-power to regard it as an occasional treat.

Liberal ideas work on a similar principle to junk food and crack. Thinking something like “Poor people suffer because of spending cuts – let’s just take more money from the rich and not have any of those nasty old cuts!” is the equivalent of snorting two lines of premium-grade cocaine: wait a few seconds, and you’ll feel fantastically good. In fact, the addictive qualities of liberal thinking are exponentially heightened by the fact that what your psyche has just ingested actually makes you feel morally superior to anyone who doesn’t think like you. Let’s face it, all drug addicts – alcoholics, nicotine fiends, junkies, whatever – experience self-loathing in between highs. Liberal thinking represents a far more dangerous form of addiction, because it provides an utterly guilt-free thrill – each time an addict indulges, their sense of self-worth actually grows.

No wonder it’s so hard to resist. Imagine, you’re sitting in the office mid-morning, the coffee and croissant sugar high has worn off, lunch is two hours away, and your spirits are sagging. You sigh and glance out the window. Away in the distance you spy a wind turbine or a poster extolling the benefits of “clean energy” on a passing bus. You search you memory banks instantly kick in with the required liberal response: “Nuclear power – boo! Green energy – yeah!” Affirmation of your own enlightened benignity makes you experience a warm glow of self-approval (in technical parlance, your smugathon count has been boosted), and suddenly you have sufficient energy to get through to that lunchtime tofu-burger. And all without having to spend any money or make any mental effort whatsoever!

No wonder liberal thinking has taken over from nicotine as the most common addiction of our times. Unlike cigarettes, there are no restrictions whatsoever, and an almost endless supply of “triggers” encouraging you to indulge: any mention or even a glimpse of the Daily Mail; any hint that the EU isn’t working out that well; any comment that even vaguely implies that multiculturalism and mass immigration aren’t necessarily that great a thing for Britain; the mildest suggestion that the best way to deal with criminals is to lock them up for long periods – in fact, any remark implying patriotism, or pride in the military, or enjoyment of a foreign enemy’s reverses, or admiration for any right-wing politician can do the trick.

The mere mention of certain key phrases, concepts and names presses a psychic button which releases a pre-formed liberal thought and results in the ego being flooded with smugathons which leave the liberal glowing with self-righteousness: Palestine, Lenin, Che Guevara, Castro, gay marriage, paternity leave, intifada, counselling, publicly-funded, public sector pension, immigrant, single mother, abortion, tax, black, ethnic, wind, green, march, freedom-fighter, struggle, community, inclusive, social, studies, renewable, quotas, tribunal, affirmative action, protest, student… the list is endless. 

If any of the above words or phrases made you feel good – you know, warm inside, pleased with yourself, superior to any person not experiencing the same reaction – you’re either already on the road to addiction, or you’re doomed to end your days shouting incredibly stupid slogans at protest rallies, reading the Guardian,  and nodding approvingly while listening to the Today Programme. If you need help recognising a Liberal thought, it’s simple (in all ways) – it invariably takes the “Boo! Yeah!” form, as in “Israel, boo! Palestinians, yeah!”, “Straight, boo! Gay, yeah!” etc. (The “boo” part always comes first, because liberals always need some group – bankers, businessmen, Tories, nuclear power companies, working-class white people – to whom they can feel morally superior.)

I realise that we on the Right have our own positive “triggers” (enterprise, hard work, profits, monarchy, army, crackdown, moral, prison, spending cuts, self-reliance, duty, honour, Churchill, Thatcher etc) which certainly make us feel good - but fortunately they don’t make us feel good about ourselves. The thoughts they engender don’t make us feel in the least bit morally superior: we don’t automatically assume that those who don’t agree with us are selfish, evil swine. The other main difference between right-wing and liberal thinking is that, if you live in a city, the former will not generally make you popular – voicing pro-American, pro-Israeli, pro-cuts sentiments will, I assure you, not make your life easier, whereas voicing liberal sentiments will identify you as a worthy member of the enlightened elite.

The real danger with liberal thinking, as with drugs and junk food, is that, because it provides such easy and instant gratification, it obviates the need for mental effort – that’s a major element in its attraction. Once you’re hooked, it’s almost impossible to restart one’s rational, critical faculties and apply them to your beliefs. And because those thoughts have nothing whatsoever to do with reality – it’s all to do with how they make you feel about yourself – no amount of evidence to the contrary can dislodge them.

Just say no to liberal thoughts. You really can’t handle them!