How do you become an England international without being able to pass the ball?

I know we should be rallying round an England team that might actually manage to make it to the quarter-finals of the European Championships. As we’re all too well aware, far more talented national line-ups have failed to do so. But, following England's first two matches, can there be any observer who hasn’t asked themselves the question posed in the headline above? Forget internationals – how do you get to be a first-team player in what’s supposed to be the best national league in the world without the ability to make the ball travel in the direction you intended? 

In an intriguing Guardian article, Daniel Taylor used some shocking Uefa statistics on England's woeful passing abilities following the France v. England match to ask the same question:

Uefa's statisticians leave no hiding place sometimes and in the pass-completion percentage Milner's was 48%, Young 47% and Oxlade-Chamberlain 46%. England's most accurate players, in fact, were all defenders, starting with John Terry (78%) then Glen Johnson (77%), Ashley Cole (74%) and Joleon Lescott (73%). After that it went Scott Parker (70%), Danny Welbeck (67%) and Steven Gerrard (66%). 

The difference with the France players is stark, beginning with Florent Malouda (87%) then Patrice Evra and Adil Ramil (86%), Yohan Cabaye (85%), Philippe Mexès (84%), Alou Diarra (82%), Karim Benzema (80%), Samir Nasri (79%), Mathieu Debuchy (78%) and Franck Ribéry (70%). 

The French average, 82%, was higher than any of the English players.

The ghastliest statistic quoted by Taylor is that Manchester United forward Ashley Young managed just seven passes in 94 minutes. That's one every thriteen and a bit - count 'em - minutes! With Wellbeck and Young on board, no wonder United failed to win the Premiership last season.

I don’t have the statistics for the Sweden match, but I suspect they were even worse, despite Sweden's evident deficiencies.

I know very little about football, and I’m aware questions have been asked for decades about England players’ lack of technical ability compared with their continental equivalents – but what’s mystifying is how players who ensure that their team loses the ball more often than it keeps it are picked up by some of the richest football clubs in the first place. What exactly does the scout say to the manager: “Boss, this lad’s a real prospect – almost half of his passes reach the player they were aimed at. Magic in his boots! Straight up, he’s another Messi.” Or maybe they don’t bother rating football skills any more: “Great taste in cars boss. He’s only fifteen and he knows exactly where to pick up the tastiest hookers. Badgers the ref something brilliant, and his goal celebration’s memorable – we gotta sign him.”

Part of the problem appears to be the standard English fear of the ball – from the eagerness of some of the players to keep as far away from it as possible - and to get rid of it asap when they can't get out of the way of the damned thing - you’d have thought it was coated with Kryptonite.

Yes, forwards’ pass completion statistics are bound to be poorer than defenders’ – but under 50%???

Interestingly, research in January – half-way through last season – which combined statistics on Premiership clubs’ final-third and full-pitch passing accuracy predicted the position of the top five teams at the end of the season. Spooky! (Read all about it here.)

Look, I wish the England team well, and I’ll try to watch the Ukraine game (albeit through splayed fingers from behind the sofa) – but will someone please teach these overpaid wankers how to pass a sodding football, because, right now, the level of technical ineptness is on a par with women’s tennis.