So how’s all that “capturing the middle ground” stuff working out fer ya, Dave?

Gosh, what a very satisfying set of results! To fail to gain an outright victory over the worst Prime Minister in British history by pursuing liberal, modernising policies, Mr. Cameron, may be regarded as a misfortune; to get trounced two years later by a Labour leader from the Planet Zog looks like carelessness.


The only pity is that YouTube has cracked down on those Downfall parodies.

The increased share of the vote for Ukip proves that Cameron’s desertion of traditional Tory policies was about as sensible as giving a laxative to someone with diarrhoea. Okay, some deserters may return to the fold for the general election – but only if the Tories start turning back into Tories, and that would require the immediate defenestration of Francis Maude and the rest of the party’s collaborationist tendency.

Ed Miliband is now entrenched as Labour leader – which is great news for those of us who loathe Labour: the party may very well regain power in 2015, but only by a margin no larger than John Prescott’s chippolata. Imagine how well Miliband’s party would be doing if they had someone who looked and sounded like a normal human being leading them?

The Lib-Dems have had their silly bottoms massively spanked yet again (by voters rather than… well, you know what the Lib-Dems are like.)

The lack of support for city mayors and the low turn-out demonstrate that voters have twigged that the EU-loving left-liberal oligarchy which controls this country doesn’t really give a toss what it thinks about anything – as in the rest of the EU, the electorate has become irrelevant.

And, amusingly, it looks as if we in London are going to re-elect a Tory mayor who is an actual Conservative rather than a confused, spineless shapeshifting liberal. (Unless, of course, a million postal votes emanating from Tower Hamlets suddenly materialise at the last minute.)

Central Office has no doubt gone into meltdown and sent the whips running around desperately trying to stop backbenchers and ministers demanding more right-wing policies. Instead, they should simply email these comments posted by Tory MEP Dan Hannan on in his Live Electoral blog for the Telegraph at 7:30 this morning (he’s still going strong as I write – the lad’s thin, but he has stamina):

Memo to fellow Conservatives. Here are some things which yesterday's vote wasn't about: Internet porn; gay marriage; House of Lords reform. There may be perfectly good arguments for and against all these things, but please don't try to press the results into your existing campaigns on these issues. The one new factor is the rise of UKIP at non-European elections. In general, though, it's about the economy. Any government at a time of austerity has to exude competence. People will put up with a great deal provided they sense that their leaders know what they're doing. Going without jam today is fine if we can credibly expect a recovery. When the suspicion arises that the government is headline-driven, at the mercy of events or – worst of all – simply inept, the goodwill disappears. Put bluntly, voters need to see that the deficit is falling, prices stabilising and growth returning.

That’s almost enough to make me forgive Hannan for supporting Obama in 2008 and being nice about Nick Clegg before the 2010 election.

Anything this abysmal government does from now on that isn’t aimed at either reviving the economy or reducing the deficit or shrinking the state (all the same thing really) is an almost inconceivably stupid waste of time. But then they’ve done many almost inconceivably stupid things recently.

The time for caution and “fiscally neutral” budgets and dishing out loans to the IMF and wasting money on foreign aid has passed. It’s time for that traditional army wake-up call: “Hands off cocks, on socks” (I’m in a crude mood – there’s more crudity coming up).

The Tories haven’t got a hope in hell of gaining an outright victory in 2015 (unless Boris Johnson has become party leader by then). They might as well try to leave something for whichever sorry mob of liberal-left social engineers takes over from them to squander.

I’ll leave you with one question and one slogan:

Baroness Warsi – I mean, is someone taking the piss?

And I thought of a good slogan after watching a replay of an Ed Balls comment while he was campaigning for Ken Livingstone – “If you want to vote for a clown, vote for Boris Johnson.”

Here’s mine: “If you want to vote for a c***, vote for Ed Balls.”