Mitt Romney killed and ate one of his 17 Mormon wives - and other CRAP stories

CAMPAIGN TO RE-ELECT AMERICA’S PRESIDENT

From: Mohammed Brunchburger Jnr, Communications Director, CRAP

To: Justin Heartbleed, Head of BBC News

Date: 05/20/12

Yo, Justin, 

Howzit hangin’, dude?

Here’s that list I promised you of the Mitt Romney stories we’ll be releasing between now and election day. Two stories a month for five months. Your man Mardell’s already bought into the package (natch – boy, does he love Barry!). Sky and C4 are on board too. Only those assholes at ITV are presently resistant (that’s the problem when you employ real journalists) – we foresee some visa problems for their guys if they keep this up.

There’s absolutely no need to waste time checking these stories – they’re halal, know what I mean? I got my secretary to check ‘em out on the web and they’re solid. Just in case you’re nervous, I’ve included sources so you can respond to right-wingers who criticise you for swallowing any old bullshit the Obama camp shoots your way.

Together we can defeat these evil, racist, fascist Republican jackals - and their sickening brand of mud-slinging personal attack politics.

June:

Romney killed and ate one of his 17 Mormon wives – Democrats call for death penalty (this one’s from the highly respected, government-funded Christianity is Evil, Islam is Nice campaign group)

Mitt Romney called blacked-up class-mates the “N” word in High School – “Worse than Hitler” say Democrats (he was appearing in a stage production of Uncle Tom’s Cabin at the time – but I'm guessing you won't need to foreground that detail)

July: 

Romney used workers fired by Bain Capital for target practice at drug orgies (can’t remember where I saw this one, but my instincts tell me it’s on the level - at the very least, it contains a "wider truth")

Romney slams women in hate rant – Women Against Penises demand castration (he actually suggested men were taller than women, on average – what a dinosaur!)

August: 

Romney laughed as he gave paraplegic Hispanic child “wedgie” (guy in a bar told this to a friend of my wife’s cousin only last month)

Romney set to name Bernie Madoff as Vice-Presidential running mate – “Insult to poor people” says Obama (this comes from a dream I had last night - my great grandpaw was Sioux, and I have inherited the gift of second sight from him)

September: 

Romney tampered with Kennedy brakes before Chappaquiddick – church to canonize Ted Kennedy (cited as incontrovertible fact – or pretty damn close to it – in a case study on a website about paranoid schizophrenia: we’re not sure about the canonization bit, but it could happen if our plans to replace that old Nazi Ratzinger with a liberal bear fruit)

Romney to use chemical weapons on black ghettoes if elected (this came from the homeless drunk guy who hangs around outside our office building – and I have no reason to doubt him)

October:  

Romney and Saddam Hussein “long-time lovers”: raped whole Iraq football team (okay, this one came from a Democratic Party press officer friend who’s been having a few problems with crack recently – but I think we get too judgmental about addicts: we're thinking of replacing the word "addict" with "enthusiast" after the election)

Romney to abolish tax on whites earning over $150,000 – everyone else charged 85% (well, something like that – we’re still trying to stand this one up, but pencil it in meanwhile)

Next week I’ll mail you the stories we’ll definitely be running  on our guy , but here are the current front-runners:

Obama discovers cure for cancer

Obama guarantees economy will grow if we all join hands, close eyes, and wish real hard

Obama to grant all Blacks, Hispanics, LGBTs Harvard doctorates in Resentment Studies at 16

Leper cured, legless man breakdances after touching hem of Obama’s jacket

Obama unveils plan to abolish tax for all but top 1% of earners: new top rate of 125%

Obama slams Romney as a “demonic, war-mongering, white supremacist nutjob” - while calling for an end to divisive politics

Remember, Justin - YES, WE CAN!