Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Tories to become the party of anal sex, honour killings and inner city gangstas

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“Ee, luv, I wouldn’t vote for them bloody Tories if this were a one-party state.”

“But, pet, didn’t you hear the new about that posh moderniser, Francis Maude?”


“’E may very well be, Arkwright, but it says ‘ere ‘e’s ‘the most important Tory of his generation’”

“So bloody what?”

“Well, ‘e’s giving a speech this evening telling t’other Tories that the only way they’ll win t’next election is by supporting gay marriage and Britain’s ethnic minorities and people in t’cities.”

“Oh, ‘ell-fire! Labour’ll never get back in now – even if they get rid of that twat Miliband.” Sighs. “I’m the fifth generation of Arkwrights to vote Labour. But now Francis Maude has transformed his party, ‘appen I’ll ‘ave to vote for his toffee-nosed lot next time round. Reckon it’ll prove an unstoppable rainbow coalition of special interest groups. Playing Labour at their own game. He’s a cunnin’ devil, that Maude bloke.”

“Aye, well ‘e did engineer the Tories stunning success at t’last election, after all. If it weren’t for Francis Maude, t’Tories might still be Tories, and they’d have ‘ad an overall majority.”

“Aye, what a disaster that would have been. Imagine this government without all that Lib-Dem talent to call on!" Shivers. "Doesn’t bear thinking’ about.”

“Shall I call Wayne and his new friend Abdul down and give them the news? I must say, they seem to be getting on ever so well. Ee, they’ll be thrilled!”

“You better ‘ad, luv.” Glances up at the ceiling. “Are those two mending furniture up there, or what? All that shouting and panting and rhythmic banging. Never ‘eard such a racket!”


  1. There's an excellent post by Ed West on Maude's incomprehensible decision to lose yet more core Tory supporters by backing social liberalism at a time when the majority of electors are getting thoroughly sick of having the urban media elite's obsessions foisted on them. West predicts the Tories will lose the next election, and he may very well be right.

  2. Lesbians refused a rose on Valentine's Day because they 'weren't a proper couple'

    How can this be allowed in a modern society? Mr Maude has much work to do.

    And that poor girl who was sent to prison the other day for 30 months for pretending to be a man so that she could get to know a couple of girls better. Just exactly what is she supposed to be guilty of?

    If it's against the law to pretend to be a man when actually you're not, Cabinet meetings will soon have to be conducted in prison.

  3. Thanks, Mr Moss - your last paragraph made me laugh.