Tories to become the party of anal sex, honour killings and inner city gangstas

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“Ee, luv, I wouldn’t vote for them bloody Tories if this were a one-party state.”

“But, pet, didn’t you hear the new about that posh moderniser, Francis Maude?”

“Tosser!”

“’E may very well be, Arkwright, but it says ‘ere ‘e’s ‘the most important Tory of his generation’”

“So bloody what?”

“Well, ‘e’s giving a speech this evening telling t’other Tories that the only way they’ll win t’next election is by supporting gay marriage and Britain’s ethnic minorities and people in t’cities.”

“Oh, ‘ell-fire! Labour’ll never get back in now – even if they get rid of that twat Miliband.” Sighs. “I’m the fifth generation of Arkwrights to vote Labour. But now Francis Maude has transformed his party, ‘appen I’ll ‘ave to vote for his toffee-nosed lot next time round. Reckon it’ll prove an unstoppable rainbow coalition of special interest groups. Playing Labour at their own game. He’s a cunnin’ devil, that Maude bloke.”

“Aye, well ‘e did engineer the Tories stunning success at t’last election, after all. If it weren’t for Francis Maude, t’Tories might still be Tories, and they’d have ‘ad an overall majority.”

“Aye, what a disaster that would have been. Imagine this government without all that Lib-Dem talent to call on!" Shivers. "Doesn’t bear thinking’ about.”

“Shall I call Wayne and his new friend Abdul down and give them the news? I must say, they seem to be getting on ever so well. Ee, they’ll be thrilled!”

“You better ‘ad, luv.” Glances up at the ceiling. “Are those two mending furniture up there, or what? All that shouting and panting and rhythmic banging. Never ‘eard such a racket!”