New Year message to politicians - get out of our bloody way!

You’d think that a right-winger such as myself would be enjoying the fact that the leaders of our two main left-wing parties have proved themselves to be so cosmically useless as to practically ensure that – whatever happens between now and the next election – the Conservatives will be returned with a decent majority, and UKIP will supplant the Lib-Dems as Britain’s third most popular party (or third least unpopular party) in terms of share of the national vote.

I’ll admit that watching Nick Clegg sliding down the toilet bowl of political history is providing great entertainment, but somehow Ed Miliband’s slide – which should fill me with even greater glee – is just painfully embarrassing.  I’ve never felt like this before about a Labour leader in opposition. For instance, I loved it when that silly old ninny, Michael Foot, used to set off on one of his vacuous, meaningless, shouty rants, emphasing all THE wrong WORDS while his hair flopped down over his faux-prole NHS specs – it meant Mrs Thatcher was going to remain in power. Ditto whenever Kinnock turned his Welshometer up to 11. Ditto John Smith, who struck me as an annoyingly prissy little bureaucrat without an original thought in his head.

Having a crappy Prime Minister is always a source of shame, whatever their party. The potential pleasure of watching Gordon Brown’s mental disintegration was spoiled by knowing that foreigners were also watching this tragic, pitiful wreck of a human being dissolve into a puddle of paranoia, and were no doubt wondering how a once-great nation had managed to saddle itself with such a miserable weirdo as PM.  

But nobody outside the UK ever claps eyes on Miliband, and he’s only in power because the Unions voted for him – nothing to do with the rest of us, squire! (Well, neither was Gordon, but you get my drift.)  Ed is so spectacularly not up to the job, I actually want someone to step in and sort him out. Maybe they could start with a few basic instructions, namely don’t talk like that, don’t look like that, don’t think like that.

But why do I care? Why am I not enjoying the constant, abject humiliation of the sort of North London chattering-class, never-done-a-proper-day’s-work-in-their-life, left-liberal twerp I thoroughly despise?

Maybe it’s because I’m so out of sympathy with our dreadful, left-of-centre  coalition government that I feel it needs to have its hopelessly muddled thinking challenged. Because Miliband isn’t putting forward anything resembling coherent policies, it’s allowing Cameron and Osborne to wallow around in the indistinct middle, not doing enough of anything to make a real difference. Look at how well Cameron was forced to respond when Merkozy forced him into a political corner.

Unfortunately, Miliband’s New Year message proved that he’s never going to get it. Having failed to score any sort of policy hits during the past twelve months, he returned to the particularly silly theme which sank like a stone when he introduced it earlier this year:

My party's mission in 2012 is to show politics can make a difference. To demonstrate that optimism can defeat despair.

I normally try to avoid excessively bad language in this blog, but, I mean, really – for fuck’s sake!

We know that politics can make a difference: as Labour so conclusively demonstrated between 1997 and 2010, it can bring a country to its knees. 

When the credit crunch hit the UK, you fantastically stupid twat, we had nothing whatsoever to fall back on , because you and all the other morons on the Labour front bench and all the oleaginous suck-ups in the civil service  had spent all our money and borrowed a shedload more – all on the basis of your unscrupulous optimism!

Optimism – in the form of lending trillions of mortgage dollars to people who hadn’t got a hope in hell of every paying it back – is what got the world into its current economic mess, and the vilely stupid and immoral government you were a part of compounded the problem by wasting untold billions of pounds of our money on buying votes.

Listen, you ghastly, ignorant, geeky little twit, optimism – like compassion – is something that should be the preserve of individuals, not governments. What we want from governments, and from Prime Ministers in particular, is common sense, intelligence, courage, steadfastness, honesty, a sense of history, a belief in the ability of the common man to run his own affairs, and a healthy dollop of luck. What these traits have in common is that you don’t appear to possess any of them – neither did Gordon Brown, and neither does Nick Bleeding Clegg. Tony Blair possessed some of them – and so does Cameron.

Before Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan transformed the economies of their respective countries in the 1980s, they admitted how bloody terrible everything was. They then did their level best to get government out of the way of the private sector by cutting taxes and red tape and allowing the private sector to save the day. They both believed that government was the problem – not the solution. If I thought for one instant that you even began to understand that fundamental truth, I’d wish you well. As it is, your appeal to us to support you because you’re more optimistic than the government is disgusting, immoral and insulting – in order for things to improve, the key thing is for people like you to get out of our bloody way. Fast!