The Kindle's great – but I asked Santa for a whole lot more!

Here’s the email I sent to Santa at his North Pole address at the start of the month. As he came up trumps regarding the first thing on the list, he might very well get round to delivering the rest - in which case 2012 could just be the best year ever!

Dear Santa,

I know you pretty much always give me what I want for Christmas, so, apart from a Kindle (price: £89 from Amazon), I’ve decided to take a chance and concentrate this year on presents you can’t deliver at Christmas, but which you could get round to in your – let’s face it – rather lengthy off season.

First, I’d like a new Archbishop of Canterbury, who believes in God, has a clear head, and possesses genuine moral authority. Best of all would be someone who understands that, in order to be forgiven, a sinner must repent of their sins and renounce the way of life that led them to sin in the first place, and that spreading the word of the Lord does not consist of demanding high taxes and a redistribution of wealth – only a blithering idiot of an atheist would waste their time on such nonsense. Also, while you’re at it, could we have a new Bishop of London to replace Richard Chartres, who has called for the erection of a  memorial to the Occupy St Paul’s protesters? The memorial could be inserted up Dr Chartres’s fundament, as, apart from the screams, this would lead to a period of silence from the flatulent fool, given that the orifice which he normally used to communicate what he imagines to be "ideas" would be well and truly blocked. 

Finally, could the new A of C be someone who thinks that calling for a halt to the slaughter of Christians by Muslims in failed states around the world would be a more appropriate use of his time than endlessly banging on out about rich bankers?

I’d be ever so grateful.

Second, could you organise it so that Nick Clegg, Chris Huhne, Danny Alexander, Vince Cable, Simon Hughes and all the rest of them simply, well…. disappear? I don’t particularly mind how this is achieved. It's just that we've had over eighteen months of these tossers, and the joke's wearing a bit thin. That would mean the Conservatives having to call a snap election, which they would win handsomely (if you make Francis Maude and Ken Clarke disappear at the same time as their Lib-Dem soul-mates), and which would see an even greater number of frothing Eurosceptics in parliament breathing on David Cameron’s rapidly expanding bald patch.

When it comes to the new Global Warming religion – if its High Priests hold another summit meeting in some agreeable part of the world, could you arrange for a tsunami to engulf the luxury hotel they’ll no doubt be staying at? Hundreds of millions of poor people across the globe would be heartened at the prospect of not being kept deliberately in poverty in order that Western AGW enthusiasts can feel good about themselves. And Westerners whose economies are busily disappearing down the toilet would be relieved that (a) their money was no longer being wasted on this ridiculous bollocks, and (b) there was a faint chance there'd be enough electricity to go round by the end of the decade.

Do you think you could persuade our rulers that, on the whole, most of us in this country feel that we probably have enough Somalis and Albanians and Moroccans and Algerians and Bulgarians etc. to be getting on with, and that we don’t really feel a pressing need for any more?  After all, you can have too much of a good thing, and I’m sure the current population can produce enough gangsters, religious lunatics and welfare scroungers to satisfy our EU quota requirements in these areas.

Would it be too much to ask that you could prevail upon the BBC to stop pumping out raw propaganda on behalf of every cause I don’t believe in? After all, the majority of  licence fee payers would like to leave the EU, don’t believe in Climate Change, reject multiculturalism, are proud of this country’s history, despise left-wing comedians, don’t want to hear foul language on air, blame Labour for our economic woes, want the police out on the streets, want criminals to actually serve the sentences they’ve been given, think the Lib-Dems are a pathetic joke, don’t see why people who refuse to work for a living shouldn’t be allowed to starve to death, and realise only too well that the state of our national finances means that the government needs to stop pissing our money away on foreigners and useless people. If that's too big an ask, could you just make John Humphrys retire?

I realise that asking you to intervene in American politics is a bit of a stretch, but could you possibly see your way to finding a sensible, articulate, right-wing Republican to run against Obama? Ideally he or she wouldn’t believe in AGW or Big Government or in an amnesty for illegal aliens or that 9/11 was America’s fault, and they wouldn’t have a history of sexually harassing every woman who comes within their orbit, and they’d know where Libya was, and basic stuff like that. Would that really be too much to ask? After all, if we have another four years of what Sarah Palin described as "all that hopey-changey stuff", the West really will be in intensive care.

If you could manage all that – and if you could throw in a series of really horrible plagues to make the lives of striking tube drivers an absolute misery - I promise not to ask for anything whatsoever next Christmas.

Best wishes,

Scott xxx