Monday, 19 September 2011

The headlines I want to read on a Monday morning

Since I retired, Monday mornings have become occasions for joy and smugness. But today I am feeling crapulous. First, there’s a boil on my bum, which means I’m not able to head into town to see an art exhibition I’d been planning to catch.

Second, I’m coming to grips with the realisation that, sometime during the next few months, I’m going to have to find a new way of creating and publishing this blog (more of which in another post). Third, the morning paper is crammed with stories guaranteed to deflate a crusty old right-winger.

Now, I realise that in the general scheme of things, these trifles may not at first glance appear to constitute grounds for accidie: after all, I’m not a Pakistani flood victim, I’m not working for a company that’s going under, and I’m not Ed Miliband. But last week was jam-packed with delights, and I suppose I’m just suffering a bit of an emotional hangover. Having admitted that, the news has been particularly grim of late. It reminds me of a meeting at the BBC: some bigwig had taken us through the details of the latest restructure plans and budget cuts, when an executive who’d recently joined us from the real world asked a pertinent question: is thereever any good news? Hysterical  laughter ensued as it dawned on all of us what a truly rotten few months we’d been through. 

The same question went through my mind this morning as I leafed dyspeptically through the Daily Telegraph. First, there was a story about Tory MPs demanding a referendum on Europe (forget it, chaps –  Cameron is the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain). Then there was the President of the Lib-Dems telling his members that his party is the “guarantor of fairness” in the Coalition government – when, of course, it’s actually the guarantor of failure. A highly-paid female software executive has been awarded a million pounds on the grounds of sexism (“Be a dear and make us a cup of tea, love”). The Chairman of the BBC says there should be more women on the air (er… why?). The executive producer of Songs of Praise (a Sikh, naturally) has floated the idea of representing other faiths in the programme (“Now let us sing Hymn 354, ‘Cut off the heads of the infidel pigs and murder your daughter for dating an unbeliever’”). A report says that one in five British pupils learn nothing after the age of eleven. And, at the time of his death, police wanted to question an SAS hero about downloading child pornography. 

When I reached the story about a Manchester businessman being arrested after allegedly stabbing to death one of two intruders in his own home, and read that the relatives of the “victim” had placed flowers outside the house where he died, I flung the paper aside.

So I decided to make up some of the  headlines that would once again make Monday mornings a cause for celebration.

Cameron tells Lib-Dems ‘Fit In or Fuck Off’

Date for Lisbon Treaty referendum announced

Piers Morgan CNN show axed: presenter flees to N Korea

Leading climate change scientists arrested for long-term conspiracy to commit fraud

‘He deserved to die’ police say after householder kills burglar

Warren Buffet bankruptcy shock

Obama will not contest next election: admits ‘I’m useless, me’

Three strikes and you’re out rule introduced for criminals: new Home Secretary says ‘Go ahead – make my day!’

Judges who free criminals to commit more crimes will be fined and sacked

Charles Moore appointed new BBC DG: makes Simon Heffer Political Editor

Gordon Brown and Ed Balls arrested on charges of wantonly destroying UK economy

Chancellor announces massive tax cuts to stimulate economy

Defence spending to double

Universities ordered to offer places purely on merit: all students to pay fees

Foreign aid budget abolished

Wind Turbines: new Climate Secretary James Delingpole orders “Take ‘em down and pay the money back, you bastards.”

New Foreign Secretary Nigel Farage to ECHR: ‘Go do one!”

BBC4 budget trebled: BBC3 abolished

Lenny Henry, Marcus Brigstocke, Mark Steel and Jeremy Hardy banned from BBC for life after new Head of Comedy says; “The audience can’t stand them!”

Tennis: Women’s prize money cut by 90%. Billie Jean King says “We’re just not worth it!”

There, I’m feeling better already!

1 comment:

  1. Very amusing post. Well done. Some modest contributions:

    - Germany quits EU. Back to Plan "A".

    - Berlusconi dead. Body suspended outside petrol station together with corpses of Bunga-Bunga girls.

    - It's official. Eminent Think Tank says Prescott is a CAUC.

    - Chakrabarti forgives Shipman and West. "Liberty" goes into administration.

    - Englishman pays for lunch. America in shock.

    - BBC withdraws all comedy shows on Radio 4.

    - Jonathon Ross swallows tongue and chokes to death.

    - Simon Hughes checks into A&E with a badger lodged up his bottom.

    - Fabio Capello deported. Compensation claim rejected.

    - Toby Young sacked by Barclay brothers. The circulation of the Spectator soars.

    -- Kate Winslett sectioned due to emotional incontinence.

    - Putin attends Village People concert dressed in motor-cycle leathers.

    - Elderly London cabbie confirms that Henrik Ibsen was "game for a laugh". Edvard Munch too. Stereotypes destroyed.
    Wednesday, September 21, 2011 - 06:29 PM