The Liberal Democrats are a bunch of wankers - let me explain...

I had foresworn gloating rights after the massacre suffered by the Lib Dems in last week’s local elections and the AV referendum. But their spitting fury in the wake of a truly abject humiliation has made it irresistible:

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Okay, I think that’s out of my system.

Ever since they got their bottoms spanked last Thursday, they’ve been behaving like black gang members after someone popped a cap in their leader’s ass (as I believe the vernacular has it): all hate-filled gibberish and swearing furious vengeance whilst waving guns around, trying to mask the fact that they’re utterly terrified.

Chris Huhne got in before the result, entering last week’s cabinet meeting with the back of his jeans hanging down around his knees, pointing his automatic at David Cameron and George Osborne cos they’d, like, not shown his main man no Respec’, right?

Then Clegg manfully responded to his party’s drubbing by blaming Mrs. Thatcher. (Apparently, Lib Dem supporters - all eight of them - believe that she’s only pretending to be a sick old lady and will turn up again any day now, Terminator style,  to terrorise useless people by forcing them to earn their own living or starve).

Then we had Vince Cable – the Gollum of modern British politics – throwing a hissy fit about Tory ruthlessness and shrieking about how the Lib Dems need to take credit for all the wasteful, stupid policies they’ve forced the Tories to adopt and now – this is truly beyond belief – threatening to resuscitate his astonishingly ill-conceived plan for a mansion tax, which had us all rolling about laughing hysterically before the General Election.

Cameron’s last great test of character was in May 2010 when he had the choice of taking power without a clear majority, or of allowing Labour and the Lib Dems to form their own coalition. There would have been another election by now, which (especially with Ed Milliband in charge) would have been easily won by the Tories. Instead, so hungry for power was our Dave, and so afraid his own party would kick him out because of his pathetic failure to win the election outright, he climbed into bed with the sleazeball Lib Dems (an activity of which the latter seem inordinately fond – unless, of course, it’s with their long-term partners). Our reward has been a complete failure to implement any vaguely right-wing policies, especially on higher education, the criminal justice system, Europe, energy, the NHS and the size and shape of the public sector in general. Meanwhile the “cuts” have been so weedy and gutless, it’s surprising we bothered.

Last week’s local election results demonstrated that (a) the Lib Dems can’t harm the Tories (b) Labour haven’t even begun to recover, and (c) electors will stick with a party at least willing to look like they’re doing something about Britain’s economic woes (apart, of course, from robbing savers blind by letting inflation rip). 

Now – right now – is the time for Cameron to tell Clegg and the assorted collection of inadequate shags in his repellent little excuse for a political party that enough is bloody well enough. Bog off. Get lost. It’s over. 

And don’t forget to take your mistresses and boyfriends with you. 

The idea that the Lib Dems should be given more control over Coalition policies is too farcical to contemplate. The voters just kneed them in the groin and this bunch of delusional losers have nowhere to go but utter political oblivion. In fact, Cameron should order Clegg into his office and tell him that, unless the Lib Dems shut their mouths, he’s dissolving the Coalition and calling a General Election immediately. Clegg would collapse in a whimpering heap on the carpet and beg to be allowed to stay – this wretched man’s only hope of political survival (and even this probably wouldn’t save him) is if the Coalition government turns the economy around.

Chris Huhne has to go, obviously, because he’s proved himself to be a something with a small “c” - and it isn’t “conservative”. Cable can stay, but only because every time he opens his mouth, the less likely it becomes that the LibDems will return a single MP to parliament at the next election, thus making the Tories even stronger in the South and South-West.

I applied a crude epithet to the Lib Dems in the headline to this piece. But I feel it’s justified. Every policy these vicious dimwits put forward is designed not to make anybody’s life better, but to make themselves feel morally superior to everyone else. 

Keeping the 50% tax rate on the highest earners is, we know, insane, because it will result in diminished tax revenues and will pointlessly irritate the very segment of society that already contributes 75% of our taxes. The proposed back-of-a-fag-packet mansion tax on £2m properties is so flawed and unfair and ludicrously arbitrary, I won’t insult you by going into details. Ditto Cable’s scheme to destroy higher education standards (besides, I’ve already banged on about this enough in the past). The NHS desperately needs reform – so Clegg has reversed his previous support for Lansley’s proposals and is now desperate to stop them going through. Four out of five of us want the criminal justice system toughened up – so these smug gits want it further enfeebled. We all agree immigration stopped being A Good Thing many, many years ago  (if it ever was) – so these political pimples want the sluice-gates widened. Spending almost £100 million of our money on the AV referendum (sorry, I’ve just got to – HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) represents the ultimate act of political masturbation: we were never going to vote for it, but we had to go through all that nonsense just to confirm that Clegg had wrung concessions from those unspeakable Tories. That was our money, you selfish bastard!

None of these policies is designed to improve lives – they’re designed to make the proposer feel good about himself by yet further inflating his already swollen, empurpled ego. If proposing them isn’t the act of a genuine wanker, I don’t know what is.