Monday, 9 May 2011

The Liberal Democrats are a bunch of wankers - let me explain...

I had foresworn gloating rights after the massacre suffered by the Lib Dems in last week’s local elections and the AV referendum. But their spitting fury in the wake of a truly abject humiliation has made it irresistible:


Okay, I think that’s out of my system.

Ever since they got their bottoms spanked last Thursday, they’ve been behaving like black gang members after someone popped a cap in their leader’s ass (as I believe the vernacular has it): all hate-filled gibberish and swearing furious vengeance whilst waving guns around, trying to mask the fact that they’re utterly terrified.

Chris Huhne got in before the result, entering last week’s cabinet meeting with the back of his jeans hanging down around his knees, pointing his automatic at David Cameron and George Osborne cos they’d, like, not shown his main man no Respec’, right?

Then Clegg manfully responded to his party’s drubbing by blaming Mrs. Thatcher. (Apparently, Lib Dem supporters - all eight of them - believe that she’s only pretending to be a sick old lady and will turn up again any day now, Terminator style,  to terrorise useless people by forcing them to earn their own living or starve).

Then we had Vince Cable – the Gollum of modern British politics – throwing a hissy fit about Tory ruthlessness and shrieking about how the Lib Dems need to take credit for all the wasteful, stupid policies they’ve forced the Tories to adopt and now – this is truly beyond belief – threatening to resuscitate his astonishingly ill-conceived plan for a mansion tax, which had us all rolling about laughing hysterically before the General Election.

Cameron’s last great test of character was in May 2010 when he had the choice of taking power without a clear majority, or of allowing Labour and the Lib Dems to form their own coalition. There would have been another election by now, which (especially with Ed Milliband in charge) would have been easily won by the Tories. Instead, so hungry for power was our Dave, and so afraid his own party would kick him out because of his pathetic failure to win the election outright, he climbed into bed with the sleazeball Lib Dems (an activity of which the latter seem inordinately fond – unless, of course, it’s with their long-term partners). Our reward has been a complete failure to implement any vaguely right-wing policies, especially on higher education, the criminal justice system, Europe, energy, the NHS and the size and shape of the public sector in general. Meanwhile the “cuts” have been so weedy and gutless, it’s surprising we bothered.

Last week’s local election results demonstrated that (a) the Lib Dems can’t harm the Tories (b) Labour haven’t even begun to recover, and (c) electors will stick with a party at least willing to look like they’re doing something about Britain’s economic woes (apart, of course, from robbing savers blind by letting inflation rip). 

Now – right now – is the time for Cameron to tell Clegg and the assorted collection of inadequate shags in his repellent little excuse for a political party that enough is bloody well enough. Bog off. Get lost. It’s over. 

And don’t forget to take your mistresses and boyfriends with you. 

The idea that the Lib Dems should be given more control over Coalition policies is too farcical to contemplate. The voters just kneed them in the groin and this bunch of delusional losers have nowhere to go but utter political oblivion. In fact, Cameron should order Clegg into his office and tell him that, unless the Lib Dems shut their mouths, he’s dissolving the Coalition and calling a General Election immediately. Clegg would collapse in a whimpering heap on the carpet and beg to be allowed to stay – this wretched man’s only hope of political survival (and even this probably wouldn’t save him) is if the Coalition government turns the economy around.

Chris Huhne has to go, obviously, because he’s proved himself to be a something with a small “c” - and it isn’t “conservative”. Cable can stay, but only because every time he opens his mouth, the less likely it becomes that the LibDems will return a single MP to parliament at the next election, thus making the Tories even stronger in the South and South-West.

I applied a crude epithet to the Lib Dems in the headline to this piece. But I feel it’s justified. Every policy these vicious dimwits put forward is designed not to make anybody’s life better, but to make themselves feel morally superior to everyone else. 

Keeping the 50% tax rate on the highest earners is, we know, insane, because it will result in diminished tax revenues and will pointlessly irritate the very segment of society that already contributes 75% of our taxes. The proposed back-of-a-fag-packet mansion tax on £2m properties is so flawed and unfair and ludicrously arbitrary, I won’t insult you by going into details. Ditto Cable’s scheme to destroy higher education standards (besides, I’ve already banged on about this enough in the past). The NHS desperately needs reform – so Clegg has reversed his previous support for Lansley’s proposals and is now desperate to stop them going through. Four out of five of us want the criminal justice system toughened up – so these smug gits want it further enfeebled. We all agree immigration stopped being A Good Thing many, many years ago  (if it ever was) – so these political pimples want the sluice-gates widened. Spending almost £100 million of our money on the AV referendum (sorry, I’ve just got to – HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) represents the ultimate act of political masturbation: we were never going to vote for it, but we had to go through all that nonsense just to confirm that Clegg had wrung concessions from those unspeakable Tories. That was our money, you selfish bastard!

None of these policies is designed to improve lives – they’re designed to make the proposer feel good about himself by yet further inflating his already swollen, empurpled ego. If proposing them isn’t the act of a genuine wanker, I don’t know what is.


  1. Clegg has taken the heat off the Tories by allowing traditional supporters like you to blame him for every piece of unpopular, progressive legislation the Coalition comes up with. In the process he has destroyed his own political career and a party you hate. Shouldn’t you be thanking him for being such an excellent dupe? As a socialist myself, I’m appalled that Clegg has shored up Tory support and made the left a laughing-stock. You should be jumping for joy.

    Your criticism of liberal policies is simply wrong. In return for charging maximum fees universities will be forced to accept more students from disadvantaged backgrounds so it’ll make a genuine difference to them, at least. Forcing changes to the NHS proposals might affect a huge number of people, no doubt to their benefit. Allowing people to earn £10,000 before they have to pay tax will also benefit many low-paid workers. Describing this as masturbation smacks of, well, masturbation.
    Tuesday, May 10, 2011 - 04:48 PM

  2. I think Clegg had already destroyed his career by polling a smaller percentage of the vote and actually losing seats at the last election. And he hasn’t shored up Tory support at all – I’m sure they’d have done even better at the local elections against the ridiculous Ed Miliband if Clegg and the Lib Dem blisters in the cabinet hadn’t stopped them from enacting a fair policy over tuition fees, toughening up the Justice system, sticking two fingers up to European interference in UK law, really getting to grips with the public sector, renewing Trident etc. etc. (If only the Tories had made a pre-election pact with UKIP, they’d have won the election outright - the figures tell the tale - and they’d be implementing proper right-wing policies. Or as close to them as a pinko centrist like Cameron could stomach.) I am so jumping for joy, I’m now supporting UKIP as the only genuinely right-wing party in the UK.

    As for all the beneficiaries of Lib Dem policies – you may be over-stating your case. Students who didn’t do well enough in the exams to justify a place at a top university won’t enjoy their time there in the least, and many of them will drop out, disappointed. How does that help them? Yes, scrapping the NHS proposals will affect lots of people – but the less reactionary, less left-wing parts of the NHS think they’ll be adversely affected. Just because the usual suspects throw a hissy fit about changes to a system that rewards them handsomely for rotten results, does that mean those changes are wrong? Of course not! As for more and more people not paying any tax – well, bully for them! Who’s going to pay that tax instead – because it certainly won’t be the rich, who pay more than their fair share already. It’ll be me and millions like me – the poor sods who represent the squeezed middle.

    Today, Clegg suggested his own party should “blow its own trumpet”. See? Onanism, pure and simple.
    Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 06:48 PM

  3. I find all this talk about self-abuse at the centre of a political debate offensive. As they say in the military, one has to respect the uniform if not the man. Our current politicians may be of the lowest calibre, but they deserve some deference. I think the best thing for Mr. Clegg to do is to climb up into one of these crenellated turrets on top of the Palace of Westminster and toss himself off. And then they can bring back Mr. Laws when he gets out of Wormwood Scrubs.
    Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 09:27 AM

  4. ONAN THE BARBARIAN16 October 2011 at 16:03

    In the unlikely event that Mr. Laws is jailed for fiddling his expenses, they might have a problem convincing him to leave. As Homer Simpson’s boss, Mr. Burns remarks when his adoring amanuensis, Smithers, is jailed on an opium smuggling charge – “I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly”.

    While I couldn’t agree more that deference should be shown to our elected representatives, I nevertheless think it’s time for Nick Clegg to drag the whole thing out into the open so that we can all engage in a wider discussion, a sort of national conversation or, if you prefer, a mass… no, I’m sorry, the word I’m looking for simply won’t come!
    Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 11:04 AM

  5. “You’re a grown-up now”, I told myself, “you must put childish things behind you” but it’s no use, sorry, I’m about to do it again.

    Talk about Whitehall.

    The opinions of N Clegg Esq have got about as much to do with anything as the conclusions of Dr Kriss Kezie Uche Chukwu Duru Akabusi MBE’s PhD thesis on the alternative vote and anyone who bothers to discuss those opinions is saluting the wrong uniform, pointing his guns in the wrong direction and spilling his seed on stony ground.

    It’s all a question of power. Mr Marx and I are agreed there. Clegg doesn’t have any. Very few politicians do. Power is vested in Whitehall and in the European Commission. Just get used to it.

    While Clegg cries to the evening music and Vince Cable transmogrifies self-immolation into farce, Whitehall are getting on with it.

    Two examples. They’re unutterably boring to read. You couldn’t engage anyone at even the direst dinner in conversation on these subjects. And they make it clear how irrelevant Clegg is to determining our future.

    1. Tony Collins. Please read him on what is happening about the NHS’s computerisation programme, the National Programme for IT. He and Richard Bacon MP seem to be the only heroes standing in the way of a software house called CSC (Computer Sciences Corporation) and a cheque for £3 billion for doing nothing useful:

    • ‘National Audit Office will report on the NPfIT next week’,

    • ‘Prime Minister to be questioned next week on CSC's NHS IT deal’,

    • ‘MP to fight expedited signing of CSC NPfIT deal’,

    2. Mark Ballard. Please read him on the Cabinet Office’s delusional plans to spend billions so that they can deliver all public services via a new cloud computing web architecture, despite the fact that 30% of claimants aren’t even on the web, despite the fact that we already have a way to interact with the government (= Whitehall) over the web called the UK Government Gateway,, despite the fact that Francis maude can’t have a clue what they’re talking about and despite the fact that Ian Watmore, the permanent secretary at the Cabinet Office, has a string of failures behind him that would make Gordon brown weep with envy:

    • ‘Universal Credit possible if politicians don't interfere, says IT chief’,

    Grow up, is my advice to myself, and get out there and make love to a real woman, starting if you must in the red light district of W1 -- Whitehall,

    Either that, or fantasise about Nick Clegg.
    Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 01:28 PM

  6. Simon Jenkins, writing in today's Guardian, avoiding use of the word "wanker", but only just, :

    "The current difficulties of the Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg were predictable, inevitable but unimportant. From the moment in 2010 that parliament was "hung", he had few options and soon had none. He has not put a foot wrong, but footwork is immaterial when you are wearing concrete shoes. Lib Dems have always thought a hung parliament would be their day of glory, which shows what fools they are. They get one day of glory and a parliament of slavery. Cameron's deal with Clegg was like an ayatollah promising his warriors a thousand virgins when they die ...

    "The likelihood must be that at some point in the next two years Lib Dem discipline will crack and an anti-coalition (and pro-suicide) faction emerge. The leftwing dream of a "progressive Lib-Lab majority" has dazzled commentators for half a century, but ..."
    Friday, May 13, 2011 - 11:00 AM