There are two kinds of “guilty pleasure” movies: the ones where you know why you can’t resist therm, and the ones where you can’t figure out how they manage to cast such a powerful spell.My absolute favourite, a cinematic flame that attract this moth every time it’s shown on TV, is 1991’s The Last Boy Scout, which, on the surface, has all the elements of a tedious, standard-issue American cop move – washed-up ex-policeman private eye, unlikely partners bonding, foul language, extreme violence, unpleasant, sleazy milieu, clichéd characters, a silly plot and a sentimental, feel-good ending - there’s even a camp, sadistic psychopath. (The only obvious mark of originality is the theme song - Pat Boone’s terminally unhip 1961 hit, Moody River.)
Bruce Willis plays Joe Hallenbeck, the private eye with an unfaithful wife, a potty-mouthed teenaged daughter and a drinking problem, who gets embroiled in a murder case involving American Football, bribery and corrupt politicians (or something - it really doesn’t matter). His temporary sidekick (whose “exotic dancer” girlfriend is killed near the start) is Jimmy Dix, a coke-snorting ex-pro footballer, played by tall black comedian Damon Wayans, who is good with a funny line but can’t do drama.
On paper, this looks like an instantly forgettable car-crash of a film. But Iknow why I can never switch it off: it’s a comic masterpiece, thanks to a razor-sharp, albeit relentlessly foul-mouthed, script by Shane Black. For instance:
Joe Hallenbeck: Leather pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run?
Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty.
Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars?
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them?
Jimmy Dix: YES.
Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?
Jimmy Dix: Nope.
Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old.
Or this, when Hallenbeck discovers a former colleague has been sleeping with his wife:
Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe. It...
Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."
…
Mike Mathews: Joe, how long have we been friends?
Joe Hallenbeck: I'd say roughly until you started banging my wife.
Not exactly Oscar Wilde, in terms of grace and charm, I grant you – but a lot funnier!
The scriptwriter excels at original threats:
Jimmy Dix: [laughs] I'm really good, man. Maybe I could take your daughter out. What's she like?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's like thirteen years old, and if you even look at her funny, I'm gonna stick an umbrella up your ass and open it.
And he’s good with insults, too:
Joe Hallenbeck: Oh, if it isn't Shelly Marcone himself.
Sheldon “Shelly” Marcone: Careful, son. Just my friends call me Shelly.
Joe Hallenbeck: You got friends? When did this happen?
(I honestly don’t know why, but that last line makes me howl ever time.)
As we all know, most American comedies (or, in this case, a comedy thriller) have just enough funny lines to (almost) fill a trailer: not here - there are dozens of them, most of which can be found here.
To top it all (and I am genuinely ashamed of how much I enjoy this scene) it contains a classic example of a male revenge fantasy moment.
The last time I happened to catch The Last Boy Scout on TV must have been my tenth or eleventh viewing: I know it won’t be the last.
My guilty pleasure is not a specific film [alright, Top Gun. Iceman: "You can be my wingman any time." Maverick: "No, you can be my wingman." Mav and Ice bang chests. This is on the same level as "These Odoureaters really are odour eaters!"], but a specific type of film - the great Hollywood assault on Ancient History and the Bible, culminating in the recent trio of hugely expensive flops of Alexander, Troy and Kingdom of Heaven [OK, the last one is a category stretch]. They all cost millions to make and in most cases made their money back and they are gloriously bad and highly addictive.
ReplyDeleteBritish actors were heavily involved because they could talk "posh" [Victor Mature wasn't too good at this - see The Egyptian and Samson and Delilah. Hedy Lamarr "I don't like being in films where the leading man has bigger tits than me"], but you have to feel for people like Burton [The Robe, Alexander], Jack Hawkins [The Pharaos], Ralph Richardson [300 Spartans], Ustinov [Quo Vadis, Jesus of Nazareth], Charles Laughton [Salome - Herod:"Where's John the Baptist?" "He's on the balcony, Sire, exposing himself to 10,000 Israelites."] And Finlay Curry in everything. And poor old Greg Peck in David and Bathsheba and von Sydow serving up Antonius Bloch warmed up in The Greatest Story ever Told. And Burt in Lew Grade's Moses. A rich mine indeed and I suppose Ben Hur and Spartacus escape censure.
What fascinates me most are two specific conventions that are always observed. Within half-an-hour there has to be an extended dancing scene involving dusky beauties in chiffon and large Nubian men nancying around and vaguely oriental cymbal music while evil generals lounge around on divans slugging wine out of preposterous drinking vessels. And then there is is the appearance of groups of men sporting outrageous head-gear which seem specifically designed to humiliate the wearer. The Pharisees always got to wear the silliest hats. But the greatest silly hat sequence appears at the beginning of The Decline of the Roman Empire where Marcus Aurelius [Alec Guiness] greets individually all the kings and leaders from the Empire [one of then is Omar Sharif] who approach him on their chariots. The hat designers had a field day and I suspect none of the designs matched historical reality. But wonderful nonsense.
There are two puzzles. Charlton Heston goes up the Mount to collect the commandments wearing his standard hair-piece, but when he comes back he has developed really big hair. What happened up there? Also, I have never seen Richard Gere in David which is meant to be really bad. What happened to it - it doesn't even appear on my Sky movie packages so it must be really worth seeing.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010 - 05:26 PM
Great post SDG. For the same reasons, I will always watch those Hollywood films of the 40s and 50s which educate us on English history. Essentially, the construct is the same as for your biblical epics, except with banquet scenes subbing for the Nubian slave girl moments and Felix Aylmer and Basil Rathbone instead of Finlay Currie and Charlton Heston. Enough here for all to enjoy - ill-fitting wigs, brightly coloured tights, the leap of imagination required to accept Tony Curtis as an English nobleman in the Black Shield of Falworth and the fun of calculating the size of fee required to persuade so many serious thespians to make such complete asses of themselves.
ReplyDeleteThursday, November 18, 2010 - 11:46 AM
Thanks for a good laugh, SDG. I've found it hard to watch any Biblical/Roman epic since Jonathan Miller (before he went mad) doing a parody of Roman epics on TV in the 1960s, poncing around in a toga with a smug sneer on his face. As for your medieval epics, EX-KCS, I suspect respected London stage actors had become quite used to flouncing around in costumes that made them look like utter prats - very few men back then had the legs for tights, but they all seemed to have to climb into a pair to do Shakespeare: the dialogue, of course, is another matter!
ReplyDeleteAs for Top Gun - I've never understood the appeal, but did enjoy Charlie Sheen as Topper Harley in Hot Shots.
Thursday, November 18, 2010 - 02:42 PM
Yes Scott, if there is one abiding KCS unifying principle, it's that the piss-take is as valid if not better than the original.
ReplyDeleteThursday, November 18, 2010 - 04:11 PM
Thank you, ex-KCS. I'd forgotten about this category. Three Hollywood actors seemed to bear the brunt of having to humiliate themselves in these slices of medieval English history: Tyrone Power [the Black Rose], Robert Taylor [Ivanhoe and the Adventures of Quintin Durward] and Alan Ladd [the Black Knight]. All made 1950-1955 and culminating in the glorious Court Jester with Danny Kaye which I saw as a boy and was close to hysteria. I've just watched a 10-minute clip of Giacomo and Sir Griswold preparing for their joust and going through their vessel with the pestle, chalice with the palace, flagon with the dragon routine. I now feel unwell and am glad I was unable to find a clip of Giacomo's initiation into the ranks of knights [Yea, verily, yea]].
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks for reminding me.
Thursday, November 18, 2010 - 07:49 PM
Yes, SDG. Isn't the essence of life a process of discovery as we blunder along looking for the brew that is true? Does it matter whether it is in the Flagon with the Dragon, on the one hand, or the Chalice from the Palace, on the other, let alone the Vessel with the Pestle?.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, WE ARE ALL GUILTY.
Thursday, November 18, 2010 - 09:30 PM