Vince Cable takes over from Gordy as the scourge of Middle England

So now we know who the most horrible politician in the new government is likely to be – Vince Cable. I think most bets were on Chris Huhne, and, of course, when he starts spending yet more billions of our tax money on a problem that simply doesn’t exist (Climate Change, in case there’s any doubt) while failing to address the question of just where we’re supposed to get electricity from without nuclear power stations, he may very well capture the top spot.

But until then it’s that bundle of fun, Cable, who is behaving like the miserable, mean-spirited, vengeful old lefty he truly is by insisting that the middle classes (who pay the lion’s share of taxes anyway) should be further punished. 

Laughing Boy wants to increase Capital Gains Tax when Mr. & Mrs. Prudent sell any shares they may have been foolish enough to obtain in the hope of making a modest profit, or the second home they may have bought to provide or supplement a pension (taking their cue from their elected representatives, one presumes – dead keen on second homes, our MPs are). 

What a brilliant way of attacking thrift, enterprise and forward-planning. 

Of course, Gordon Brown spent thirteen years undermining the private pension system in this country – once the envy of the rest of the world. As a result, many people “of means” (bastards!) decided property was a better bet when it came to funding their old age. Now, St. Vince is going to maker sure there’s no chance of those in the private sector who aren’t super-rich, but nevertheless don’t want to end up eating dog food in order to survive, enjoying a comfortable retirement - unlike those whose salaries are paid for by our taxes, who’ll continue to receive gold-plated, index-linked pensions, naturally.  

Vince’s approach has the added bonus (as far as he and his daffy but really rather unpleasant little party are concerned) of kneeing traditional Tory supporters in their collective groin. Besides, as he himself explained, working class people don’t own sufficient assets to be troubled by CGT. As we know, as long as the working classes and the public sector aren’t affected, fill yer boots, my son!

Let’s not forget that when Cable recently came up with a populist “bash the rich” strategy for his party – the proposal for an extra annual tax on everyone whose house is worth more than a million pounds – he made a right prat of himself. A few questions from the media, and it turned out to be pure “back of a fag packet” saloon bar nonsense which he hadn’t thought through at all: little old ladies who were property rich but cash poor would have been forced to sell houses they might have lived in their whole lives to fill Vince’s swag-bag. 

Andrew Neil did us all a great favour during the run-up to the election when he exposed Vince’s ineptness on TV by pointing out his endless changes of position on major economic questions, ending with the question: “Isn’t the biggest myth of this election your reputation?” If you’re in a sadistic mood,take a look.

The right-wing of the Tory Party (i.e. the wing occupied by actual Tories) has chosen CGT as its line-in-the-sand issue – and that strikes me as sensible, especially as the American experience has demonstrated pretty conclusively that raising CGT lowers tax revenues. Mind you, that won’t matter to a miserable old Socialist scrote like Vince – he just wants to demonstrate his credentials as a sour-faced leveller determined to complete the destruction of Middle England begun by his soul-mate, Gordy No Mates. 

What a vicious old creep!

(And in case this sounds like sour grapes, I’ve never been sufficiently thrifty or lucky to have any fear of becoming liable for CGT – but I know that many of those Cable is gunning for aren’t rich, and they certainly haven’t done anything wrong. Unless, of course, making provision for your retirement is now a crime: if it isn’t already, I bet Vince will have made it so by the time he’s finished).

On an unrelated matter, I’m not a huge fan of Ken Clarke, our new Lord Chancellor – not because he’s made a lot of money selling fags to Third Worlders, you understand, but because there’s barely a Rizla’s worth of distance between his views and the Euromaniac Lib-Dems. But I did enjoy the sight of this bluff old cove dressed up in his official togs at the State Opening of Parliament. At last, we have a Lord Chancellor who wouldn’t look out of place in a Hogarth print or a Cruikshank cartoon. Unlike that ghastly little onanist, Bercow, who wouldn’t

even deign to cover up his silly Beatles’ hair-do with a traditional ceremonial wig.

Speaking of MPs, let’s turn to Diane Abbott (a phrase which it’s hard to conceive of anyone employing while managing to keep a straight face). We know many things about her. She is a woman (yup). She is black (definitely). She went to Cambridge (!). She is an MP (!!). She is very left-wing (yawn). She is a massive hypocrite (she sends her son to a private school because she evidently doesn’t want him rubbing shoulders with the frightful oiks who frequent schools in her ‘Ackney Norf constituency). She has received support from precisely one MP so far in her bid to become Labour Party Leader (stop laughing at the back!). She has never been known to utter anything whatsoever  bearing even the remotest resemblance to an insight into Britain or its politics.

But what I want to know about her is this: is she deaf? Because her speech is as breathy and indistinct and blurry at the edges as that of a profoundly deaf person: in other words, she sounds as if she can’t actually hear what she’s saying. I’m not making fun of deaf people’s speech here. Neither am I attacking Diane Abbott just because so much of what she says is witless or pedestrian: I’m just wondering why she speaks in that odd, woofly way. For a deaf person to speak comprehensibly represents a triumph of the human spirit (the deaf Labour MP Jack Ashley always spoke with impressive clarity): in Diane Abbott’s case it may just mirror the vaporous indistinctness of the “thoughts” which pass randomly through her consciousness.

Funny how far a total lack of awareness of one’s own failings can sometimes get you.