Potentially a great day for the Tories - if the LibDems say no!

Well, so far, this has been the most enjoyable day in politics for many a long year, mainly because all the people I despise most are more than living down to expectations. Gordon Brown, Alastair Campbell and “Lord” Mandelbum are behaving as despicably as one just knew they would. Nick Clegg is proving himself to be a dithering little twerp. 

The Liberal Democrats are demonstrating – once and for all – that they’re far more interested in politics than power. And those horrible old creeps, Vince Cable and Paddy Pantsdown are showing once and for all that their real reason for lugging their creaking old bones out of bed in the morning is to stick it to the Tories rather than to serve the British people (as if!). One unnamed Labour cabinet minister captured the moral grandeur of his party by telling a BBC political correspondent “I didn’t spend all my life hating the Tories to forego the chance of stuffing them now.”

Dignity, stability and the national interest.

Oh God, this is funny!

It’s not all perfect, of course. Ex-Labour ministers David Blunkett and John Reid have risen in our estimation by saying that Labour lost the election and that Gordon Brown should resign now and let Cameron take over as PM. Ex-Labour MP, Sion Simon, has said the same, and Labour MP Douglas Alexander (responsible for talking up an election in October 2007) has said it would be impossible to work with the SNP (i.e. who English voters get as PM will depend on how much various Scottish factions loathe each other – which seems fair enough).

But I hope – sincerely, truly hope – that Labour and the LibDems manage to cobble together a “rainbow” coalition of electoral losers.

Before this election I had reached the conclusion that Brown, Mandelson, Alastair Campbell, Balls and Cable were the most revolting people in British politics – between them they covered just about the whole spectrum of human failings: cruelty, bullying, lying, hypocrisy, selfishness, covetousness, sanctimoniousness, cowardice and pure evil. During the election campaign Nick Clegg joined the list. And now there they all are, right in the thick of it, the twisted Gollums of the new politics, a “rainbow” coalition representing all the colours of excreta, from urine yellow and puke green to blood red and the deepest, rankest Brown. 

If this odious collection of chancers manage to cobble together a majority, there would, of course, be unfortunate consequences: the pound would be worth about as much as the Ethiopian Birr, and our national debt would grow by a few noughts. But look ahead six months to the next election (called after the SAS had fought its way into Downing Street to remove a gibbering Scotsman) – Cameron puts a Lisbon Treaty referendum back in his manifesto, offers the Socialist Republic of Scotland full independence at their earliest convenience, having announced that the English are no longer prepared to subsidise legions of Caledonian giro-junkies (please say yes, Jock!), the Tories are returned with an enormous majority, the LibDems disappear up their own backsides as the whole of the South-West turns blue, and “progressive” politics is destroyed for a generation. Maybe two.

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

To ensure this scenario, all Cameron has to do is announce that he is so disgusted by LibDem duplicity that his original offer is permanently rescinded.

Please, Dave – get something right for once and just do it.