Have you ever been with people you know when a record comes on which you love, but which you can’t admit to loving because it would result in everyone rolling around, pointing at you, and hooting with laughter? Have guests ever flicked through your CD or record collection and said “Good God, you don’t actually like this, do you?”
I have at least a dozen CDs or records like that, and at least 50 tracks which make my cheeks go red, but which I can’t resist. Today - because I’m sick of politics for the moment - I’m going to share some of my guilty pleasures with you. Now, I know many of these records are unworthy, or exploitative, or just plain silly – but they all do it for me. They are almost all from the 1970s, inevitably.
“Forever and Ever”, Slik – Midge Ure! I know, I know, but it’s just wonderfully weird - stylistically all over the place. It could only work with a Scottish accent.
“Radancer”, The Marmalade – Scottish pop single.Of course I’ve sought help! Don’t you think I’ve fought against these urges? (By the way “Radancer” is the phonetic version of how a Glaswegian pronounces “The Dancer”.)
“Popcorn”, Hot Butter – The ultimate teenybopper electronic pop instrumental aimed at 10-year olds, utterly without merit, and it’s brilliant! I heard this everywhere during a week in Venice when it was first released, so I could pretend it brings back happy memories. It doesn’t: I simply love it. (Father forgive me…)
“All Night Long by Rainbow” – There are about ten heavy metal tracks I can bear to listen to, and this is my favourite: heroically moronic, sexist lyrics (“don’t know about your brain, but you look all right” – silver-tongued devil!), one of those infuriating Richie Blackmore licks that instantly staple themselves to your brain and, mercifully, a singer not sporting a frizzy perm. It rocks.
“Don’t Bring Me Down”, Electric Light Orchestra – Talking of frizzy perms... The endlessly-repeated four note descending run has been sampled to death by rap and hip hop “artists”, but that’s no excuse for loving Jeff Lynn’s band of Beatles rip-off merchants: and yet I do!
"Wild Love", Mungo Jerry – Ray Dorset, the songwriter and lead singer, had more hair in his sideburns than most of us can boast on our entire body. Actually, I feel less guilty about this choice than some: Dorset was a bit of a genius, and his group produced at least five cracking singles in the early 1970s, including a couple of No. 1s. They’re not the world’s greatest musical ensemble, but clever production meant that, on record, they were infinitely greater than the sum of their parts. Almost everything about this record’s content would now be unacceptabe, including the line “I was Humbert, and she was Lolita”!
“White Wedding”, Billy Idol – 1980s superprat cuts a brilliant record! This should be awful – but it’s great: I have no idea why. I recommend you listen to this without watching the accompanying video, or you’ll be distracted by a powerful desire to hunt him down and bitch-slap that silly sneer off his face.
“The Beatles Mix”, Stars on 45 – I’m not sure this doesn’t constitute a crime against humanity. A bunch of Germans do a Beatles medley set to a disco beat. Why don’t I hate it? (Don’t answer that!)
“One Night in Bangkok”, Murray Head – A collaboration between the Abba boys, Tim Rice, and the less than stellar Mr. Head (looking at the video, one can guess his nick-name). As if all that didn’t guarantee it’s awfulness, the musical genre is disco, and it was written for a stage musical. About chess. Despite everything, it’s excellent. Worth it for the lyrics alone: “One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble” stands out, as it were, and “Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham Suite” deserves some sort of award.
“Double Vision”, Foreigner – Ultra-Soft Metal yanks of incredible tossiness, and yet this is irresistible.
“Convoy”, C.W. McCall – American DJ exploits the 1970s’ craze for CB radio. The male chorus trying to sound to like girl singers is fabulously inappropriate. And yet, when C.W. growls “So we crashed the gate, doing ninety-eight/ I said ‘Let them truckers roll, Ten Four!’” you can’t help cheering them on. (The video’s worth a look for the pictures of American trucks - no, honestly!)
“Dog Eat Dog”, Adam Ant – Contumely, opprobrium, contempt – all of these had been heaped on young Ant when, having been sacked by Malcolm McLaren from Bow-Wow-Wow, he promptly decamped with all the musical ideas that were supposed to make that group an international sensation, and proceeded to produce a string of genius singles which eschewed Punk’s snarling unpleasantness, added African drums and Duane Eddy-style guitars, and cheered us all up.
“The Witch’s Promise”, Jethro Tull – Yes, songwriter, singer and flautist Ian Anderson is undoubtedly one of the most pompous tossers popular music has produced (and, goodness, it’s an oversubscribed category). This, nevertheless, was a superb single, unlike anything that had gone before. As with the Billy idol track, I recommend listening rather than watching, unless you actually feel like shouting insults at your PC monitor. (A history teacher once held up the cover of the first Tull album and told us that these young men were undoubtedly all drug addicts. I’m not saying he was wrong, but Ian Anderson is now a bald businessman with an MBE.)
“99 Red Balloons”, Nena – German GlamRock superhit. I’m convinced this was a UK smash mainly because of (a) Nena’s undoubtedly appealing physical presence, and (b) her Marlene Dietrich-style approach to English pronunciation: “Wuwwy, wuwwy, super-scuwwy, call the twoops out in a huwwy”. Still a great little wecord.
“Egyptian Reggae”, Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers – Acoustic instrumental by a genuine nutcase. Many popular music performers have expended a lot of energy trying to convince us that they’re mad, they are. But Richman has always been the real deal. This single should - at best - have sold about 20 copies to the band’s most loyal relatives. Instead, it reached No. 5. Because – bizarrely – it works. (Do check out the extremely tasteful Top of the Pops video featuring Pan’s People– the snake-charming sequence is oddly disturbing, but the camel is the outstanding feature).
There, I’m feeling better now. Before you throw stones, just remember that I know what some of you listen to in the privacy of your own homes.
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